The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a few months since my A-BF broke up with me for what seems to be the 1000th time. I have gone through feelings of anxiety, saddness, betrayal, anger, and frustration. We broke up for a year and a half the first time. He was on his sixth step in AA when we got back together he had been sober from alcohol for about two years plus. He told me he messed up and for a while everything was perfect. But addiction took a new form in gambling. My ex-abf was always a functioning alcoholic. He never missed work and he paid his bills. He is a functioning gambling addict as well. As he became absorbed in addiction again the old him came back the sick him. Blindsided I didn't even realize I was being emotionally abused yet again. He would tell me things like one day he would be gone again because he wasn't sure I was the one and he needed breaks. He refused to take pictures with me. He stopped taking me out. He would pick fights with me about any little thing I did wrong. He wouldn't have sex with me. He would only let me "pleasure" him. He would put me down. He wouldn't comfort me when I was upset. The list went on and I didn't even say to myself....I don't deserve this. Instead I started lying about little things here and there. Then I started lying all the time. I was afraid that with one wrong move he would leave me. I was dying for attention as he gambled and threatened more and more. Then eventually he threw it in my face. He was done with me for now because I lied too much and he couldn't trust me.
So many nights I cried myself to sleep. So many times I let him come back for a few days or weeks thinking we were going to fix things only for him to not answer calls and ignore me as fast as he came back in to my life. More lies more tears more frustrations. I felt and sometimes still feel worthless, not good enough. After all he did tell me since I only met 98% of his requirements in a wife I would never earn that title. I started going to alanon and seeing a shrink. I accepted what I did wrong, why I reacted the way I did, and better ways to handle chaos in life. Because white lies are not the answer. I apologized to him for my part in the wrong doing, but also made a point in advising him why I reacted that way. Naturally he blew it all off and took no responsibility which I expected.
He now plays the victim he makes friends take sides. He has me uninvited to events. He tells people I stalk him. When I try to be the adult and discuss mutual friends events, how we will deal with them because he refuses to be where I am because I am crazy he ignores my emails. Yet he will go to friends and say things like she is great I just don't want to be official so I take breaks from her. Yes sometimes I still get upset, yes sometimes I think about how much I miss him, the good him. But I know that him is gone consumed not by drinking but his new addiction. I sometimes say I wish he was a cheater or it was about other women because I would have just left him. But instead I realized I am being emotionally abused. Because that is what it is. I am a person who's spirit was broken down to the point she lost sight of who she was. His lust for control even now when we aren't together disrupts my life on purpose because he knows I will feel embarassed. He doesn't want me right now but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. He wants to come and go as he pleases. He treats me like a doormat.
I am sharing this because I didn't know what it was like to be emotionally abused and I didn't realize that was what was happening to me. Based on all the postings maybe some of you have gone through the same things. But out of all this saddness there is a ray of hope. I know now and recognize what he was and is doing to me. I now can choose to heal and love from a distance. I can't change anything that happened in the past but I can prevent it from happening again in the future. I can stop the cycle because I can now read the signs.
It sounds like he has done you a favor. You know his real colors and you know the color doesn't fit you. Hugs, keep coming back it really makes a big difference!! You are worth the work!! ;)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are absolutely right. A hit is a hit, whether it's done with words or fists. Both hurt. Both can leave bruises. Both can leave scars.
I've asked myself many times these past couple weeks, "Why do *I* keep putting myself in such horrible situations?"
I'm finding some insight and answers in a book that was recommended to me, that I've grown to love:
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.
I pray you continue to find your happiness, Parfait, and suffer no more abuse. I share with you the same ray of hope. You are not alone, and you're in the right place. Please share more, as you see fit.
It's hard to recognize emotional abuse because you care so much and you want it to work. But what I had to understand was that my relationship was not normal because I was involved with someone who was an addict. An addict who wasn't working his program full circle. Just because one goes to AA to stop drinking doesn't make it ok to latch on to a new addiction and call themselves sober. Just like we have to keep sharing, keep coming back, and keep believing in ourselves for our program to work they have to do the same with theirs. Part of the addictive personality is selfish behavior and the reason they don't think they have done anything wrong or play the victim is because it's their world and we are just living in it. Matter of fact my ex-abf said that to me on many occassions it was his kingdom, he was king, and he could banish me whenever he wanted. Am I worth more then that? Of course I deserve the best because I am a loving person. Did I do wrong by lying? Yes but I was afraid and it could have been worse. I could have hurt myself, I could have turned to drugs, and the list goes on. One of the last things I said to him was we can't always choose who we fall in love with and if I could I would stop caring....but I can't. However, I have to love myself first, love him from a distance, pray for him, and carry on with my life. He was my best friend but I can't deal with the personality swap he has made going from mr. amazing to dr. evil. For now one day at a time. The universe has a plan I just have to trust in tomorrow. We all do :)
it's not always -your fault- -our fault- and sometimes our -crime- is we stay with people who are emotionally abusive, and we don't even realize it, there is this sense of growing unease, dis-ease, and discomfort, and we try harder and harder and harder to get the love we so desperately crave, to get the "good person" back, never realizing the "good person" was just a facade, a "drug addict" getting his "fix", which is to get us hooked on them, once we are "hooked" then something to be controlled and abused, if we leave, they come back with "the wall of seduction" to hook us back in, only to throw us under the bus again after we re-invest
my experience is they literally don't see it as abuse, that we -deserve- to be treated this way for X,Y and Z, and when we try to bring it to their attention, they spend 10% of the time denying it, and claiming we are delusional or "crazy", call us abusive for putting our foot down and saying F this and F you, I don't deserve this, and 90% of the time attacking us and explaining why we deserve to be treated this way
like my "exit interview" emails were "you are harming me, here's how, and I am ANGRY and I won't tolerate this any more" and her emails were A) you are delusional, "Attack the attacker", Justify, Argue, Defend, and explain" "here is why you deserved to be treated this way", while I was trying to communicate, her response was to try to hurt me as much as possible and explaining why I deserved to be treated this way,...it was mind boggling, like don't you see what you are writing, are you reading this? first you call me crazy and delusional for saying you are being abusive, then you explain why you treated me this way? like far out, be unhappy with things that take place in the relationship but no one deserves to be treated this way, learn to communicate and navigate emotional situations, not just take a hammer to your partners very soul...but they literally don't see it that way, they view themselves as so superior they don't feel we deserve to be treated with things like kindness or courtesy, it's all about them and what -they- can get out of the relationship while adding exactly -zero- to it, and STILL make you feel badly about yourself, it's....crazy
anyway, I keep this article on my computer now and read and re-read it whenever I even -think- about romanticising that relationship, what is truly mind boggling is after going on a few dates with someone else, like wait, you are treating me with common courtesy? you return my phone calls? you tell the truth? you actually want to participate in -my- life and don't just expect me to contort myself to fit all -your- criteria that I will never meet anyway since it's all just another way to put me down and make me feel "less then" so you can be superior, therefore treat me like s***?, it's...really strange to have someone treat us.....like...nice after being in an abusive relationship, like mind boggling
it takes what it takes, but...I can't convey the sense of freedom and well being that came over me almost immediately once I left the abusive relationship I was in, and it was a gesture in futility to try to explain, HEY, THESE ACTIONS ARE HARMFUL, YOU ARE BEING ABUSIVE", because all you get in return is....surprise surprise....more abuse
while selfishness is the characteristic of active addiction, abusive people are abusive people, they may be a "subset" of -any- group, I have known alcoholics, addicts, alanoners, CODA'ers, and SLAA'ers be abusive, and known people from -all- these programs that weren't abusive, selfish and unskilled is different then abusive and so deeply damaged they will probably never be able to have an intimate relationship without being abusive, that happens as a result of horrific childhood abuse, and is actually very sad, but not worth placing yourself in harm's way for, I have compassion for rabid dogs, but they still need to be put down ya know?
-- Edited by linbaba on Tuesday 16th of August 2011 10:39:37 PM
Linbaba......that article was right on the money! It is all true and that is exactly how I feel. It's funny that it's accurate to say that the first time you go out with someone and they treat you well it's like a light bulb goes off. Also how it's all about the game of tug of war for the addict.
Linbaba......that article was right on the money! It is all true and that is exactly how I feel. It's funny that it's accurate to say that the first time you go out with someone and they treat you well it's like a light bulb goes off. Also how it's all about the game of tug of war for the addict.
isn't it amazing? like, there this person is in every paragraph
Thing is, my "abusive qualifiers", one was CODA, the other Alanon with some alcoholic characteristics, hence my differentiating labeling these characteristics as a side effect of addiction/alcoholism, since the healthiest relationships I have ever had were with sober alcoholics, (well, and one alanoner tee hee) being in the program (AA) myself for 20 years
So I don't incude that level of abuse just because of addiction, like -this- is cancer, -this- is tuberculosis, they will both kill you just different symptoms
Aloha Parfait...the title to your post is right on. Simple and it begs a following question, Now what are you going to do? A definition of insanity that we learn in program is, "Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results." When I came to the realization that I was putting my life and happiness into the hands of an alcoholic addict I also had to realize that it wasn't even a sane decision. My sponsor told me that when I realized that I had made a poor or bad choice it was my ability and responsibility to go back and correct it. I did and no longer keep myself in unhealthy, dangerous conditions. ((((hugs))))
Dear Parfait, Linbaba pretty much covered what I would respond to you.
I have posted about my first marriage to a self-centered narcissist (not an alcoholic). Narcissistic personalities are, by definition, emotionally abusive. After 6yrs. and 3 children later I ended it----I couldn't face any more. I was 22yrs. old when we met--and I was quite naieve. As I had matured and gained self-esteem I had less tolerance for abusive behavior. That was decades ago and I hear that he hasn't changed one bit.
My main point that I wanted to tell you is that I didn't miss the relationship at all----it felt like walking out of a prison. Like Linbaba, I felt an incredible sense of lightness and freedom. My regret was that I stayed far too long.
Good morning. All I can say it WOWs me me when I hear someones else's story, and how their A had said the exact same things as mine...like do they read from the same book or what??? I mean the exact same things!!!! Amazing.
That little saying we learned as kids...sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but names can never hurt me.....must of been a A who made that up....lol
Choices and worth....my two favorite words of the past year....we all have these...just believe : )
My bf is not an A. I am not sure what he is. He has at least two different personalities -- one of them is Wonderful Adorable Thoughtful Kind, and the other is Rejecting,, Cold, Critical, Cruel. Mr. Wonderful is my best friend in the world and has been for many years. I love the way he talks, looks, touches me. He is talented, creative and intelligent. He is kind to my mother. He has given me many presents. He seems to really love me and need me.
Oh then there is Mr. Rejecting. He hangs up the phone if I am upset, walks away if I am crying. Ignores my phone calls. Tells me I should find another bf. Says we have no future, we have nothing in common. Doesn't seem interested in anything I want to do together.
Mr. Wonderful and Mr. Rejecting seem to alternate. If I give up calling, eventually Mr. Wonderful turns up. He seems to need me so much, he is so afraid I don't need him any more. So of course I am happy and relieved. I try to be perfect so I won't do all the bad things he accused me of that make him reject me. But as soon as I have needs or demands or complaints, Mr. Rejecting is back.
I think my bf is a co-dependent and/or acoa. He doesn't drink. But he has diabetes which I have heard can cause the same kind of mood swings as alcohol.
It's very easy for anyone to convince me I have done something wrong. I am very afraid of being rejected. As a result I tolerate his abuse. I always think well everyone gets nasty when they are angry and says things they don't mean. But I could NEVER be cold and rejecting towards him the way he can be towards me.
It takes a while to get over someone Parfait. Give it a little more time and you won't necessarily even think about "loving from a distance." You will just move on completely knowing you want completely different things in life than this guy can offer you.
Oh Parfait, how I relate to your posting. My self esteem was non existent most of my life. When I first moved out on my own, I used to go crazy trying to figure out what to do with myself, I figured I needed to learn to knit and would make me and my 2 kids full body snowsuits with all my anxious energy (kidding kind of). My head was spinning and I needed crisis to feel normal. Al-anon meetings, my sponsor and MIP have saved me from continueing on blindly in the misery and chaos of old. Thanks to a lot of great people reaching out from this program I have found myself, my likes, my dislikes, my boundaries, my smile, and mostly I am more comfortable in my own skin and can be alone and enjoy it for the first time ever. My attitude towards myself and others has improved greatly and it is all due to working a diligent recovery program.
Your awareness sounds great and I believe in this program and I know if it saved me it can save you! "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty and "Perfect Daughters for Adult Children" by Robert J. Ackerman PhD. All great reads for an Adult Child of Alcoholism and codependency. "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me even after I moved out to learn a bit about dettachment.
I am sending you love, strength, courage and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am so glad to hear encouraging words from everyone. Yes any relationship takes time to heal from and yes some day I will get over it. Ifa....the situations you mentioned sound exactly like mine. One day they love you the next day it's I think you should find someone else because I've never love you. Then when you finally feel like you are free, stop calling, stop caring....here comes mr. wonderful. You are right it does feel like they need you and can only let go for so long before they are back. Maybe we are an addiction as well.
The hardest thing I had to learn was it was "one package"
you don't get one without the other, I tried for -years-, I contorted myself into an unrecognizable (to my friends) person to try to make this person happy, to try to make them love me
It's bull,
you don't get mr(s) wonderful without getting mr(s) soul sucking vampire Mr(s) make you hate yourself and think you aren't good enough, and no one else will have me and blah blah blah
Mr(s) Wonderful is only the persona they use to hook you back into the relationship, it has no bearing on reality, it's not who they really are, well it is, when they need to "hook" you back in, when they "need" to have you around, when you are finally ready to leave
it doesn't have anything to do with who you actually are, it has to do with them fulfilling their own perverse needs, who you are as a human being never even enters the equation, except for what you can do for them and what they "get" out of the relationship, which is ultimately nothing, because you -can't- fix your insides with outside stuff, so after a short period of time they are back to feeling that self hatred and self loathing they take it out on you and blame you for it, hence the whole "you aren't good enough" attacks, when "called" on the behavior the lashback is incredibly abusive, and they literally don't see what they do as abuse, emotional abandonment, passive aggressive behaviors, constant little "digs", you "deserve" all of it because you failed to fulfill their needs and fix their wounds, threaten to leave or leave and eventually the wall of seduction comes again, but it's not who they really are, it's what they do to get their "fix", and you happen to be it, a drug that stops working, and they hate you for it, hence the "punishment"
totally mappable cycle, that repeats over and over, and nothing changes if nothing changes and insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results
read the article I posted, one thing that comes through loud and clear is:
They don't change, this is it, this is what you are going to get if you stay with this person, and like any other addiction, it's just gonna get worse
My dad always used to say "Son, you play on the freeway, trucks gonna run you over, that's just how that is, you can blame the trucks or you can get off the freeway
you in a relationship with someone who is abusive, you will get abused, no different then you stick your hand in the fire, you gonna get burned, try all we want, fire doesn't stop burning and abusers don't change their spots any more the leopards do
thats why God invented Red Flags
The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad. But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love and be able to "let" only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you.
Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not.
Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO apologize, they will only do the same thing again. They know this, and will even try to make it seem like any expectation of an apology is really an attempt to "blame" them. (Again, "blame" being that dirty word). For example, "You just want me to say I'm sorry and promise I'll never do it again, so that when I screw up again, you can point a finger and blame me and get angry with me and say, "See? You did it again and you promised you wouldn't!"" This is called "projection" - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem.
People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.
If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn't loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.
Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.
It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior in this article, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.
Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self.
-- Edited by linbaba on Friday 19th of August 2011 10:00:03 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 19th of August 2011 11:50:57 PM
