The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A spouse asked me if I loved her today. I said I did. I don't know if I do. I am a really honest person and it feels horrible to be dishonest. I can't feel the love anymore or right now and haven't been able to since about May. It could be that I've been too hurt, too disappointed, and lied to too many times, that I can't feel it. Or maybe it's too little, too late. I don't know if possitive feelings will return on my part. For 20 years I forgave her, and I don't know if I can anymore. Lyne
Sorry you are having these feelings Lyne. None of us can tell you how to feel. Just know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Ask your HP for guidance and patience with yourself while you figure out your next step.
My wife asked me the exact same question last week, "Do you still love me?"
The floodgates of guilt burst open when the best I could muster was, "Yes, but not like I used to."
I lied too, Lyne. The real answer is, "No, I don't think I do. In fact, I seriously doubt if I ever really loved you to begin with or if I faked it to fill some nameless void of insecurity within myself."
I couldn't bring myself to tell her the real truth. Actually, I don't even know if I know the real truth. I know and understand that my emotions are my responsibility and hers are hers, but I'm not there yet with actualizing it. I still feel responsible for her feelings.
I don't have any advice or witty quip to help out on this one, but I will say you're not alone.
God Bless,
Brian
-- Edited by Superhero No More on Tuesday 16th of August 2011 02:54:59 PM
I know that what I was told in Alanon was to not make any major decisions while new to recovery... Keep going to meetings, work the steps and figure it out that way... There is time. This way you know you made the right choice... Take care!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Lynne hugs,
This is my experience, as I've traveled through my own healing I have started to remember things I actually like and appreciate about my a. if someone or my a had asked me 6 -9 months ago if I loved my a I'm not sure if I could have said yes. I was still to numb from the pain I was in. things are getting better, lol yes I still get angry at my a at least now I understand what my own part is in whatever situation is playing out. I don't know what our future holds I know I'm in a much better space to feel. I do love my a.
Hugs P ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree that it can be a slippery slope, but to me, that seems more like a 'safe' white lie, as opposed to a lie, per se.... The difference being - why open up hurt, and a big can of worms, before you are sure of what you DO feel. I also think that deep down, you really DO still love her - perhaps it may end up being a situation where you will always "love her", but are no longer "in love with her".... who knows.....
Be gentle on yourself
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
To get all philosophical, what is love? For many of us Love is an unhealthy emotion that we have learned from dysfunctional childhoods. Our role models of love taught us what it should look like.
I love my pets more than any human being. They don't have free will and I can make them bend, I have control over them basically. (as much as cats allow us to be their pets hehehe)
If you believe in God in the biblical sense, he loves us and he allows us the free will to love him or not. I am not God and I can't love in the same way he does.
I have been challenged on my notion of Love recently. I want to get myself healthy, so I know if I truly am in love with my husband, or is it a sick playing out of what I think Love ought to be .. but in all reality.. isn't.
I love my best friend but I could never live with her.
If you are further along, and you are now healthy and you are able to define what love is for you... and you know you are not just looking for greener pastures but taking the weed killer with you... then it is your perogative to live your life. It may allow her the chance to find love and have love returned.
I'm sorry if I have overstepped the mark here, but I know that is mymain reason why I am trying to get healthy. to decide if I love him, or if it was my illness that made me love him. To decide if I hate him, or do I hate the addiction that comes with him. ONce I am healthy, I can make that choice. (note, I have had five defactos two of which I have married, so believe me.... I am not new to the pain of separation and wish it on noone)
It appears you are beating yourself up. Under the circumstances, telling her yes might be the wisest/kindest thing you could say.
Right before I decided that divorce to my ex-AH was the answer, I was quite confused about "love." I'm still not certain what it means to "love" another. Was I ever "in love" with him? Did I fall "out of love" with him? And what the heck does it mean to be "in love" with another?
I'm 56 and still don't know those answers. But I do know that since I've been kinder to myself and have developed some degree of self-acceptance and love for me, my love and acceptance of my ex and others is growing too!
I've noticed that when I focus on his good qualities, they seem to multiply. When I used to focus on his less favorable behaviors, they also seemed to multiply. For me, what I focus on - grows. So with lots of practice (and I'm still practicing) I focus on what is going right in my little world and things are getting better all the time.
Now, I do understand how diffficult that is when the alcoholic is active (mine is not - he is in recovery and working a good solid program at this time). But I do know several Alanoners who live with active spouses and they are pretty well okay with their side of the street, regardless what their alcoholics are doing.
Take care of you - watch out for the self-talk - change it if it's beating you up. Change your thoughts - change your life. (That's a Wayne Dyer book I think)
Take good care, Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 16th of August 2011 05:19:06 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I can so relate 100%. I always get that question and respond with "yes, I love you. Yet, I know deep in my heart I am not inlove with my Ah. He will always have a special place in my heart. Thanks for sharing. Hawaii
Great Post...My experiences were similar until I got into a face to face with my HP and ended up asking how in the world can you still love me after all of the stuff I've done and there in became the lesson on how I came to truely love my alcoholic/addict wife and not be around her. Confusing? It was at one time until I kept coming back with an open mind and listening and learning and working with others in Al-Anon who broke it down with their ESH so I could have that face to face with HP. "Loving in spite of" isn't that a concept? I can love others whom I am not married to and not love my spouse? Maybe I don't have the right perception and experience and there in became many more reasons to sit down, listen, learn and practice.
Today I love my alcoholic/addict wife more than I ever have and have no reason to be married to her. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are." That is how I understand HP has done it and still does...just have to practice that myself.
