The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling like I realize now I am powerless... and I go back to step 1 every day... but that yes, I am realizing that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity.
I listened to a Mary Pearl pod cast in the bath tub last night. Well she was on the lap top, I was in the tub :) LOL... Anyway, it was amazing to me that I related to so much of what she talked about. The craziness inside. I wanted to kill my now ex-husband (who I always deem abusive when I know deep down that we abused each other, I see my part now)... Then I read some of the stories in the back of the AA big book... I had not read them before. How can it be that I am an alcoholic that doesn't drink? I can't drink because when I do I get SO SICK. Literally, I get all hot and red, I get a headache, my stomach hurts and I feel dizzy. So one drink and I am sick. But I have all the other symptoms. So I am learning that I have to accept myself. Acceptance. I have to accept myself just as I am...all of me. If I don't do that, I can never get better. I will always keep wanting more chaos. My addiction to chaos was so high, my tolerance was so high... to watch someone put heroin in a needle and into their arm in the bed next to me... how did that become normal? How did I ever come to a point where I wanted to try heroin just to see what it was like? Just to feel numb like he got to be? Wow. I never thought... I never knew... that I would be addicted to what Aileen on those pod casts called "Exciting Misery" or "Mood altering Men"... thats me. But I hit my bottom in April when I came crawling back to Alanon. I have been on this board for a year now...and I left and came back because I had to... I left because I kept thinking "I don't need it, I can do this alone..." but I couldn't.
Something hit me reading in the AA big book last night and hearing Mary Pearl speak. Acceptance. I have to accept myself and move forward. Or I will die where I was. I know I almost killed myself back then...in April. It was so bad.
Now I do have to say that the year I have spent in and out of Alanon, that I have gotten better. I feel better than I did a year ago. I feel like I can live with or without my fiance. He is no longer a "tin god" for me...
I am so glad I have a sponsor. Without her and my home group meeting... man I would be SOL. I would not feel any love out there. I would have that same feeling I always had with me, that I didn't need anyone. I could do it myself. I was selfish really. I thought I didn't want to ever be vulnerable, because when you are vulnerable you are weak and I would get hurt if I were weak.
Now I feel I have real people in my life who are trying to better them selves too. My A has gotten better, he stopped using heroin and is trying (white knuckling?) to not drink...though he does relapse sometimes. Last night he bought a 6 pack and only drank 3. I don't know how he did that, most alcoholics would have kept drinking. Thats where I let go and Let GOD. I have to...I am powerless. I can only control my reactions and attitudes and self.
We are struggling financially, but each day I am giving it over to my HP and praying and knowing he will see us through... me through...
So thats where I am at. I have a reason to live. I have me and I am learning to accept myself. I am not so bad. Thanks. And I will keep coming
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks so much for sharing so many parts of you on your journey to recovery. It can be a long and winding road. However, I have watched you progress over the last few months and I am deeply moved by your awareness.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today, PP 449 BB of AA, 3rd Edition, was a passage I read daily until I could accept responsibility for my attitudes, actions, and inner being. It is one of the most profound passages to me in the BB of AA
Hugs Y,
Funny how the tolerance thing works I never realized how much pain I could take before I hit my limit. With al anon my pain threshold is so much lower still higher than average however so much lower.
Reading your posts and hearing the changes in you as you journey, is inspiring. ;)
Keep coming back, I'm quoting deb, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
Hugs P;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Good for you! Mary Pearl has that effect on me as well. I love the way she works her program. Glad to see that others here like her too. Great post and continue on this road to recovery. In support. Hawaii
One little add-on, as it reminded me of something my wise old sponsor told me....
When I first started my recovery, I thought Step 1 was "weak" and powerless = weakness.... it felt like I had to "give up", and that didn't sit well with me at all.... After all, I was "super Tom", and could "fix" anything, including my A.... right??
Well, as I grew in my recovery, I discovered the truth, and (of course) I couldn't fix anyone else, etc.... The cool thing was - Step 1 changed for me, from being "weak" to one that both empowered me, AND took away a lot of the guilt/shame/burden that I was carrying around..... I mean, if I am "powerless" (which I am), then that means the three C's are true (which they are), which means that I cannot be held accountable/responsible for the plight of my A (which is also true). Wow, what a concept - being "powerless" is also very "freeing"....
Thanks for being here, and great self-awareness on your part
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Tom, your sponsor and mine must have been told the same thing by their sponsors! Mine said to look at it like this: If powerless sounds weak, put it the other way, alcohol (mind altering men) have power over me...but I can be empowered by letting go, accepting and being free :) Very nice concept :) THanks Tom!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
