The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its is day 7 (tuesday), of me not checking up on my husband smoking pot. I will qualify that by saying, I have not looked into his pot drawer to see if he has had a smoke, and then waited for him to lie to me about it. Ihave done this for 6 and a half days conisently. Hopefully I will make it to complete this 7th day.
In the past week I have changed that one thing, and I have changed my response to his smoking from one of ' "how dare you, I am going to punish your bad behaviour by removing myself from you physically and emotionally to 'teach' you how bad that is" To one of.... "you are gonna do it anyway sooooo....."
I came here with an open mind. Try these shoes on for size, walk around in them and see how they feel after a few days. I asked questions and got some faaaaaantastic answers.
In the past week I have lost that CRAVING DRIVING NEED from deep within my mind and soul to KNOW the answer by looking inside his pot drawer and analysing the contents to see if it has been moved or used or the ash is different, weighing the contents to see how much has been smoked..... I have lost that feeling to nip home at lunch time to see if it is moved then so I can put a time frame on the use.... I actually didn't even think about looking this morning, I didnt have to consciously remind myself that I am not doing that anymore.
As I read back through that, I would like to re word it... I have not lost anything.. I have gained the self respect to no longer need to do that. I have given him back his self respect to do as he pleases in his life in regard to smoking pot without me 'taking his inventory for him'. For today anyway. I have the right to change my mind.
It may seem so trivial but yesterday when I left work, I did not race straight home so I could analyse his pot drawer. I went and bought a pair of shoes!!!!! I broke my routine!!!! I didn't ring and tell him I would be home late, I didn't rush cos I am 'always' home by 5 and if I am not.. then gosh knows what would happen... it would be a 'change'!!!! Soooo stuck in my ways that I am. But I changed that.
IN the past week I have twice asked if he has smoked, and twice he has been honest in his answer with me. This has not happened for nearly a year.
In the past week he has smoked while I am at home once, and I chose to do what I wanted to do and he did a washing, cooked me dinner and worked around the house, all while stoned. I actually was able to talk to him after a couple of hours when the stone was wearing off, and it was ok. The sky did not fall in.
In the past week, his smoking has increased and changed habits. He has not identified that. It is not really my place to ram that home to him. I told him my thoughts and left it at that.
I sit here today, able to concentrate on my work more, my mind is not constantly spinning around about 'what is he doing? I bet he smoked or did (the other thing I can't stand him doing which has no place on this board except to confirm to me it is a control issue, not a 'smoking only' issue)'. Yes I am still thinking it but not as much, and not as INTENSELY and with insanity as I was if you get what I mean.
I could not explain my feelings. This is foreign to me. My brain is not spinning and I am not feeling like I want to vomit. The merry go round seems to have slowed down so I can identify what animal I am sitting on.
Is that what calm is?????? If I sit and listen to it, I can actually feel the love returning for my husband. I can look at my wedding photo here on my work desk and think.. you are not always a (inset expletive of choice), I do love you. And you are a pot head. I vaguely remember this feeling from prior to our marriage nearly a year ago. (our first anniversary will be his first anniversary of relapse)
I feel like I have breathed deeper the last few days. I have smiled more readily and cried more readily and more often.
I have soooo far to go........ so much to learn..... this is MY step one and I am still not there... but I am seeing that I might be able to do this thing.
"I'm seeing that I might be able to do this thing."
No Linda you are doing it, as evidenced by the above post. You've come a long way in the last seven days. Enough baby steps will make a giant step......As you have read in replies to you and others........it take practice.
I know your Mother was in Al-Anon from your prior posts and also that others including me have suggested finding a meeting in your area. Have you put any thought into that possibility? If you hadn't I hope you do.
I have detailed in other posts regarding attending meetings. There are two in my city and both at night and at the same place. ONe is Al Anon, the other is ACoA, which will be the one I woud prefer to go to. A third is on a Saturday afternoon and is a step meeting.
At this point in time,,,, for lots and varied reasons/excuses take it as you may... I am not attending meetings, but yes I have looked into it.
I have the number of the local lady who runs them. Perhaps as situations and circumstances change, I will access them.
I understand their importance and appreciate the fact that they are invaluable if I am to keep up or gain momentum.
My Mum was in Al Anon when I lived with my family in a large southern city with a choice of meeting times and places. I now live in a small tropical town in the North of Australia. I am a bit surprised there is no day time meeting available, but there ya go.. anyone want to come to Darwin and start one??? hehehehehe
AT this point in time, my access to Al Anon is on this board. I can't even find a similar thing that is based in Australia so I can attend the online meetings during the day...
anyway.. I have detailed elsewhere the reasons currently, I am sure they will change one day, just not right now.
Should you consider starting your own meeting it would be helpful to have some experience in how a meeting is run. The alanon program is based on attraction rather than promotion. Having a good foundation is especially important in running a meeting and attracting new membership.
I noticed that meetings were at times for which did not suit your schedule. Perhaps consider attending open AA meetings. They were especially helpful to me.
A quick note to your lovely land of Australia. I have had the amazing privilege to have visited there three times. I was and am so completely in love with your country. I did not have the ability to travel to the upper Northern territory, but have been blessed with the pleasure of visiting Brisbane, Sidney, and Melbourne. You have a wonderful and amazing land for which you live in. The people I met along my travels were absolutely lovely.
Yeah I like where I live. Where I am is the extreme opposite of those city's.
think Kakadu, Aboriginal community people speaking thier own languages living 'out bush' on thier land... crocodiles, snakes, cane toads, cyclones, earthquakes, floods, palm fronds, coral, .... wow.. sounds cool.. I might stay here hahahahaha.
There are 210,000 people in our entire territory. About 80,000 live in my city. It is an extremely transient population with tourists and backpackers. It is also transient during the wet adn the dry season. Most people leave during the hot humid rainy wet season and come back in the dry season when winter is warm and beautiful with blue sky's.
From my vantage point, outside looking in, and only seeing through the window of your post into your world, it appeared you may have been experiencing the germination of a beautiful flower of acceptance.
Acceptance of yourself and your boundaries, your husband and his abilities.
Keep watering it. I suspect that as it grows the love you share will grow with it, and the flower's glow will tint the re-emerging love with a prettier light.
"how dare you, I am going to punish your bad behaviour by removing myself from you physically and emotionally to 'teach' you how bad that is" To one of.... "you are gonna do it anyway sooooo....."
Lol!