"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Betterfuture · Veteran Member

The Ups and Downs

Superhero No More · Member

One prayer, coming up. Hope it helps.

Ah, the text wars! I'm apparently a fan that myself, bud. Since I've left my wife, she refrains from calling when she's had "only a couple of beers"; consequently, we text back and forth.

It's difficult at times for me not to respond, to get sucked into the game, to defend her absurd accusations or throw something nasty back. It takes all I have to ignore my phone all together and focus on me and my responsibilities. I too get the accusations of cheating, the absurd ultimatums, and the attempts at manipulation: all the things I've lumped together now as "noise".

Even though I've left, and left her to do what she wishes, I wonder if I'm just as addicted to the chaos and drama resulting from her addiction, as she is addicted to the bottle. I probably am, and I think that's why I'm here.

I mentioned all this just to demonstrate that I relate to what you've just said. Be strong. Take care of you. Take care of your daughter. You both deserve it. Stick to your guns -- being healthy for you and your daughter is the RIGHT choice. You are not alone.

God Bless,

Brian

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

HI

I was just wondering, in relation to the text wars and the ringing etc. .. is it worth considering getting a second phone number so your 'other' people you want to communicate can get you on a 'safe' phone. So you know when you go to the other number, it is to communicate with your AH perhaps about your daughter or whatever.

I just thought this may allow you the time to have freedom and feel comfortable with your phone instead of the dread of hearing it going off and thinking it may or may not be your AH???

You know when you go to that phone, or turn that phone on, it is for the purpose of communicating with that person only. You can then chose when to do that.

Just a thought.

-- Edited by Lindaoakford on Monday 15th of August 2011 06:06:37 PM

Betterfuture · Veteran Member

Brian.. glad to know i'm not alone in text wars lol. I definitely feel you on being addicted to the chaos, but I have a feeling you and I have had enough which is why like you said, we are here... Thanks for the prayers and encouragement.. I'll be sure to remember you in my prayers as well.

Linda.. that is a very good idea actually. When I get the funds I will look into getting that phone. That way I wont accidentally include him in mass text messaging or accidentally send a message to him. I always send the wrong messages to people when I'm texting more than one person at a time!! lol

xoxo

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

It was said in the book Getting Them Sober that we become just as addicted to the alcoholic (addict) as they are to the substance. Yes we are addicted the chaos. Its the adrenalin rush we get that our brains begin to crave. We almost stir the pot so we get our chaos. Eventually through this program (I am told) that we will be able to have serenity and not do this anymore... at least not nearly as much. Keep coming, keep posting :) Glad you are here!

Doozy · Senior Member

Congrats on passing your test and not reacting to the text wars! A better future one day at a time!!

Doozy

-- Edited by Doozy on Monday 15th of August 2011 09:36:48 PM

HopeLadybug · Newbie

I'm reading that book" Getting them sober" right now too-that passage struck me as well about being as addicted to thier drama as they are to the booze- my mother always said I had this insane compulsion to "live where the lightening bolt strikes". I used to think it was a stupid expression- I get it now tho! LOL I wonder if that's true, and I need all this craziness, this drama- maybe that's part of MY sickness and addiction?!? I'm still so new at all of this - trying to process it all - I feel like I need a psych degree just to understand myself and my thoughts sometimes :/ exhausting is what it is! I get the txt wars too- usually with us tho it's the angry text, followed by the angry phone call which makes very little sense, and then AH hangs up and I get angry and out of control and start calling him back obsessively until he turns off his phone. Then he calls back hours later and it repeats. Fun. Stay strong- I know how tempting it is to get that last little zinger in (btw, I liked that comeback ;) good one!) I need to learn that kind of self control and try to just let it go when he starts - please tell me it gets at least a little bit easier with time?! LoL :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

HopeLadybug

Trust me when I say, having a psych degree does not help one understand oneself.

Physician heal they self..... my motto I think hahahahaah.

How many cardiologists smoke, how many mechanics drive busted arse cars, how many cleaners have atrociously dirty houses.

Same deal... hahaha.. I know you were being light hearted in your comment.. I just thought I would have a laugh with you.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

When he starts texting hate I text back that my phone is going off - then, if he keeps it up, I turn the phone off, turn my answering machine down and ignore their existence. Usually just saying I"m turning it off is enough to stop the war.

My thought about the addiction to the chaos thread - I'm not sure thats it, at least for me. I think/feel like its more of a "flight or fight" response - he uses words to draw me into the war because that is where he reigns and my mission, should I decide to accept it, is to refuse to play along - and its hard sometimes, because of the words he uses, but I'm much better at it now. I think recognizing the impending battle is the key - sometimes he sucks me in with some innocent sounding question or conversation, then whammo next thing I know we're in the middle of a fight and I'm trying to defend myself from all the hurtful things he's saying.

Betterfuture · Veteran Member

Thanks again for the support ya'll..

Ladybug!! I was the same exact way I don't know how but it always end up me calling back obsessively... lol

It takes time but it gets better. Believe me.. Now that you have a totally different support system by coming to Al-Anon you begin to open your eyes..

I realized that when I respond to his comments I just make myself even angrier! LIKEMYHEART is right they reign in the warzone stay away from it!!!

YOu will eventually realize that reasoning/talking to your A is like talking/reasoning to a doorknob. You will keep repeating thid vicious cycle over and over until one of you changes.

FOCUS on yourself... BELIEVE in yourself and most of all LOVE yourself!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I invite you to say, one obstacle at a time! (c:

Guess I don't get what makes people not block calls they don't want,and or never listen to them?And/or delete texts?To me it is like ok I will read this abuse,or listen, i will swallow the poison....

I am so glad you are going on in your studies!! Am very impressed! you will always have that knowlege and there are soooo many ways to use it.

Hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF :)

It's so nice to know we do not have to participate in every fight we are invited to. That has really been a strong one for me. I remember my A being out all night and I started just shutting off my phone and leaving it in the other room. I just decided at that point that whatever emergency was going to happen was going to have to happen without me worrying about it. The reality was it was already going to happen and there was nothing I could do. One thing that did happen, I had a much nicer night and I slept through the whole night without tossing and turning.

You are doing such a great job for yourself and with your daughter. If your A wants to fight he will look kind of silly getting into the ring by himself. :) Sending you love and support. :)

Hugs again, P :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Great stuff.... sounds like you are getting tired of the roller coaster ride, and doing so many positive things, and making great choices - in YOUR recovery.... It shows, and it's a wonderful testament to the power of our program - as bad as things can be - "it works when we work it".....

Sending you encouragement to keep up the great work

Tom

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"