Yesterday - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Yesterday

Superhero No More · Member

Hello, Linda.

There's a book I'm reading that I've found incredibly helpful so far. I understand it's quite popular in Al-Anon circles, perhaps you've heard of it: Codependent No More.

One of the precepts it speaks to is a thing called "detachment". Detachment has many meanings to many people, and more still for many situations and scenarios. I believe "not reacting" is a step to detachment, as I understand it, but I may be wrong. I'm still new to this, but I think my understanding of it applies to what you've just shared.

Let's see if I can explain:

We lose our happiness to the addict we love when we hand it over to them. We do this by attempting to control them (what they do, their addiction, how they feel, etc.) Ultimately, since we have no power over them, we fail at our attempts to make them better themselves. This leads to frustration/guild/fear/worry/anger/resentment/etc. Eventually, because we cannot control them, we allow them and their addiction to control us. We've made the transition from being the savoir, to the persecutor, to the victim. Victims are generally an unhappy lot.

Where was I? . . . Ah, yes: Detachment. Our happiness will never come from their behavior, but theirs might. Our happiness will never come from their beliefs and thoughts, but theirs might.

Punchline: Our happiness comes from our own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. Detach your happiness from anything or anyone outside your own heart. Detach your expectations of their actions from your sense of accomplishment/right/wrong/worth. Detach, with love, your self-worth from the addict. Detach: You are not responsible for their choices, only your own. And only through taking care of you and accepting responsibility for you can you find your center, your balance, and your happiness.

I suspect you've already got a handle on what I've just said. I'm merely putting it in different words, with the hope it helps (you, me, someone else reading).

God Bless,

Brian

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

Yeah I do 'get' what you have said. I know this stuff intellectually. I may have mentioned I am actually a Drug and Alcohol Nurse/Counsellor so I can talk the talk and detach from my clients very easily.

Physician heal thy self is where I get caught up.

Turning the intellectual knowledge into the emotional healing that I need.

Perhaps it is that I am detaching, but I am finding an empty resource for my own happiness. I do not have reserves that I wish to employ. I've cut loose the main chute and the reserve hasn't been packed properly.

Superhero No More · Member

I completely understand. I too with I could walk so easily what I talk. In this arena, I have no allegory, metaphor, or analogy to describe a potential path, concept or solution. All I can say is I'm also hoping to find that spark of inspiration so I can find my own inner happiness. (I've also begun talking to a psychologist, because when it comes down to it, I'm clueless when it comes to actualizing emotionally what I understand intellectually.)

God Bless,

Brian

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have heard it said in my meetings (get to one if you can...) that this is a SIMPLE PROGRAM for complicated minds... Yes, thats me exactly. And last summer, I was really good at talking the talk. I didn't start walking the walk til I went to meetings continuously this April. When I actually started to go to meetings and walk the walk with my sponsor...well then I started to "get" it... the meat of this program (or soy if you are a vegatarian) is at the meetings. This board is a great place, don't get me wrong, if not for this place I would NOT have gone to meetings...that said, its a message board and its not a real time meeting with people we can call in real time. The "old timers" here suggested for me to get to meetings ALOT. I had to hear it about every time I posted anything... and I finally listened.

Detachment=allowing others to be themselves. How hard is that for us codependents? Huh... yeah, very hard. But I have to allow my fiance to be himself. I have to allow my kids to make decisions and have responsibilities so they feel like they accomplished things and I have to focus on me, and you know, that was the hardest thing to do when I first came here. Looking at my own pain was SO HARD. I couldn't even think about myself for 30 seconds because it hurt so much I would just start crying. I had a hard childhood. I had trauma that still haunts me and causes me to cry still. But I am getting better at sitting with myself. I keep practicing this program by being here, going to meetings, calling my sponsor and reading the literature. Getting Them Sober, get that book! HUGS! Keep coming!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally I think I did really well.

I did not react. I did not take the opportunity to ram anything down his throat.

I stated calmly and honestly my thoughts, I allowed him to be happy with what he had done (smoke a different substance), I didn't put him down, I didn't point out the futileness of what he just said/did

I let him talk and get excited about his plans to buy a business... plans which I am not overly happy about at this stage.

I gave him support in other areas that he has stressing him at the moment.

I reckon I did good.

I just have to get my feeling congruent to that. hehehehehe

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

You did do well :) If you are happy then thats great. Would you rather be right or happy? Do the next right thing for you... :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

"I've cut loose the main chute and the reserve hasn't been packed properly." Boy, that says it perfectly! I have that exact same experience! And I had to laugh with recognition at the way you said it.

The way I'm trying to look at it, I had XX number of years learning to go after happiness the way that doesn't work. So it makes sense that I can't suddenly switch direct and get happiness instantly. The first thing that I was able to get was more peace. When I first came to Al-Anon, my life was so full of crisis and turmoil. Eventually I started getting some calm, and then some peace. Now I'm finding little pockets of happiness. It feels like building a house. You have to learn how to do about a hundred things along the way, and none of them alone is enough. Like you can learn how to saw wood, and how to put in windows, and how to dig a foundation, but you need them all together to make the house. With happiness, we need to learn how to detach, and how to soothe ourselves in tough moments, and how to invest in ourselves for the future, and how to recognize the healthy friends, and put in time with the healthy friends so we have a support system, and accumulate good memories to hold us through the tough times, and a couple dozen other things. It's so incremental.

What I hear is that you're doing a number of these things and putting up parts of the house. You don't yet have a new "house" to live in, but you can see the successes one by one even if they don't form a complete shelter. I feel like, myself, I've got at least a hut or a lean-to, if not a complete house! But that sure is better than the misery I was living with before.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you are trying to act your way into a new thinking and feelings. You are acting detached but the thoughts and feelings are not there yet. You are still thinking and obsessing on his use vs. nonuse and you have super strong feelings attached to that. It is possible to act your way into different thinking and feelings. It will take more practice though. Glad you are feeling better about things.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Pink chip

I was excited when I saw you had made a comment and eager to read your post.

Thanks, you are correct and that makes sense to me.

Is there not a saying... fake it till ya make it

If depressed people force a laugh, eventually it will be a real laugh.

This is what I am thinking anyway... hope it becomes 'real' soon

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda for me, when one uses, I cannot find their heart. I don't know if you know what I mean. Since you are into how one thinks/feels you may.

I am very sensitive to life around me. When I meet people, their heart, their compassion their truth,love, thoughtfulness, humor I feel it. Many times, there is nothing. I mean nothing.

It is always like that for me when one uses. For me it distorts whatever "that" is that I feel in someone. It's an emptiness, nothingness.

My AH and I were very, very close. Hard to see where one started and the other ended. We felt each other.

When he went into brain surgery our eyes met, I saw the fear, the love. When he recovered he was a stranger. His heart was gone. I have not seen it since. Took me years to give up. I honestly hoped.

I believe that with an A, when they use, they destroy that part of them. Or are in the process of it.I wonder even with socalled honesty, did you feel lonely? I sadly learned my AH had nothing in him anymore. I was trying to engage with someone who was dead.

Maybe that is what makes me love animals so much. They never, ever stop that signal.

My friends, my kids, people I meet, I feel that feeling. But I KNOW with no doubt when it is not there. With my AH I gave it years. now he is ex.The only heart he had is in mine now.

I hope maybe this will give you some insight to you and your husband. You sound like such a cool person.

Sending you hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.