The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Was going to post this at the end of my last weeks topic on depression but thought I would start a new one, since others might relate. Just got back to work today and saw the lovely posts from everyone. Wanted to thank you all for your words of comfort and support. I did have a really frustrating day on Friday searching out new opportunities for growth at our community college. Ended up feeling so overwhelmed and weepy. I thought, geez you are such a baby. But moved forward and decided I needed to spend more time listening to my HP to guide me just where I need to go. My AH and I got into it a little bit about upcoming vacation and he said it was my turn to plan something I wanted to do. He's challenging me to make my own choices too. I have let him take the reins for so long and it was easier to just go along, but then I resented it not ever being my choice. Now I am having to take the reins and it's scary, but I am trying and with help from Alanon, MIP and my HP I am getting better. My AH and I really connected Friday on good terms and Saturday he went to our land so I had the rest of the weekend to focus on me and what I wanted to do. I started to panic, feeling anxious and like I had to fill every moment. I recognized the restlessness that gets me fixated and tried to control it. Didn't really control it, but was aware of it and the toll it takes on me. I end up running in circles and then crashing in exhaustion. At the end of Sunday, I was finally able to see that I don't have to be doing EVERY minute and sat and read my CTC book. All ended on an up note, which is a true miracle compared to so many Sundays in the past.
Glad you are here. Resources are a big issue for me. Connecting and feeling enough is such a huge hurdle. You are on your way. Take baby steps, the journey isn't all in one day.
I appreciate your struggle and will share my experience, and maybe it will resonate with you. My symptoms were your symptoms. Depression and anxiety cycles. In therapy I learned that I didn't feel safe on my own. My sense of well being was dependent on what my therapist described as my "host". Over the years there were fare too many Hs, BFs, and lovers. Some were addicts. Some weren't. No matter who my host was my cycles continued. My emotionally unstable thinking went something like this: "I would be happy if only he would or wouldn't ______________ (fill in the blank). So off I'd go to seek another host, i.e., man. I finally sought therapy when I felt the restless urge to divorce again. I knew it had to stop.
Five minutes before the end of the fifth therapy session I had a full blown panic attack with knees up to my chest, rocking myself like an infant, crying, and hyperventilating. My therapist told me to stay in the feeling. So I started breathing more slowly and soon enough the panic evaporated. My therapist said "Your honor I rest my case." He meant that his diagnosis of my dependent personality disorder (DPD) was accurate. I was feeling anxious because it was time to leave what I viewed as the safety of his office. That's when I had the panic attack. He asked me what would happen if I left his office? I told him that I would die. "Even though you've spent fewer than five hours with me in therapy?" he asked. I wanted to do what I always did when I felt anxious, and that was, attach, to a host. He didn't allow me to attach to him. He did let me feel my feelings, however scary.
We worked on my DPD for a year or so. At his suggestion I started going to f2f Alanon during that year. Once therapy ended successfully, I continued attending f2f Alanon. I didn't realize it at the time but I was taking Step 1 by acknowledging powerlessness over my feelings of anxiety, during that fifth therapy session. I'm in the right place now and am an MIP.
thanks lasthope for sharing your story. I think I too have problems with being depending on someone else. I too find that I am always on the edge of wanting a divorce and when I look back, I did have far too many relationships just for the sake of having one growing up. Must have been something missing in my childhood that made me feel that way, but I am not sure what. Maybe not enough father attention. All I know is that I have a hard time trusting my alone time and my own decisions. I am always second guessing my decisions and changing my mind. I knew I had a fear of making the wrong choice and so just didn't choose. I have done some counseling that has helped me there too. And I have to ask myself, what is the worst that can happen. Usually it has been blown way out of proportion. I really appreciate your insight.
You are so very welcome OG. It gratifies me to know that my fellow MIPs can find kernels of help or hope in my posts. My therapist told me that my DPD did indeed stem from the way my father raised me. He could be loving or mean. He was unpredictable. He raged. I was afraid of him but I loved him too. He had unresolved emotional issues from his childhood of course and so he injured me. My mother didn't protect me as she should have but most likely it would have been worse if she hadn't been around. Although he wasn't an alcoholic, he was a ragaholic. His emotions were unchecked. In high school, I won the highest award a senior girl could win because both teachers and students had to vote for it. I was popular, beautiful, sweet and smart. But my father always found flaws in me and reasons to criticize. I never felt his approval. My mother was anxious and tried to keep peace. She adored me. To this day I love my girlfriends, the ones I've had for 40 years and the ones I've know for just a few. I don't fight with them. I'm happiest with them. My problems have always been with men.
One of my defense mechanisms is repression, so I have hardly any specific memories of my childhood. I have feelings of it but no clear images. My younger brother, on the other hand, remembers everything vividly. So he can tell me stories about our childhood that I don't remember at all, that are shocking to me. I'm going to sign off now because I'm feeling sad talking about this. Step 1. I am powerless over the way I was raised as a little girl...
lasthope You know, the more I read of others experiences, the more insight I have into my own. For example, your comment on repression made me wonder. I have no real memories of my childhood either. I often thought I just had a really bad memory. I do remember my father being angry a lot and my sister said that through therapy she discovered she felt neglected by him. I dont remember feeling that way, but instead feeling anxious of what he might be mad about. He was a very large man and could be intimidating. I chose to remember the love we had for each other now and so wont go deeper into that. It seems like its very easy for me to get into the why we are who we are rather than working on just being better today, moment by moment, so I too will focus on that. Thanks for all the great insight and words of wisdom to everyone. I need to dig deeper into the program.
