The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
While I was posting my update, ABF sat next to me and I closed down the screen. He became "concerned" what I was doing. I explained (again) I was involved in an Al-Anon message board. He made the comment that he didn't understand WHY I needed to be in a group, and asked if I was doing it just because he was....
Any ideas/suggestions how to approach (or not) this?
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
I think everyone's situation is somewhat unique, as there are many factors to consider, but in my experience, I was able to just tell my A that I was going to Al-Anon to help me, period. She didn't like it at first, as she assumed it was just a bunch of people picking on their A's.... I stopped explaining "why" to her, and just told her it was for me....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think Canadianguy has a good point. Make sure they know it's about you, not them if you have to mention it. I haven't even told my AH and yet he knows. He's made reference to me needing to work the serenity prayer more. Of course he sees me reading my courage to change but I think he also snooped and found the flyer of information on my alanon meeting. He may or may not know about this board. I don't post at home because I think he would take offense about me talking about him. So that's a battle not worth starting.
I've said this before and I did tell my a, it absolutely is different for everyone. Tom is right on. I was very clear it was about me.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My Afiance asked me this weekend if going to Al-Anon would make me leave him. I said if I were going to leave you, either A.) I would have done it already or B.) it would be by MY choice if I did now. I told him Al-Anon does not tell you what to do and they do not judge. They give you tools for peace of mind, serenity and strength to make our own decisions and if we decide to stay, the tools to help us when living with an alcoholic. He actually seemed relieved.
We shall see when I get home today which person I get. The loving sober fiance or the scared, angry drunk one. Here's hoping for the first! November Sunflower
We NEVER discuss his program or mine. At the beginning of the journey I wanted to and he refused. That was 11 years ago. So I respected his opinion. Now I would never discuss it. I don't even know when/if he goes to meetings. He calls my meetings "little gatherings". I think he doesn't trust me not to talk about him but I came to terms with that.
At first I felt guilty mentioning him at meetings, but then I tried to figure out how to have my life history without having him be mentioned in it..... and it is impossible. And I shouldn't have to deny my own history just because he thinks AlAnon members would think bad about him. Another thing keeps me honest with my shares about him is because some day some of those people may meet him in person and know he is my hubby and wonder about anything bad I would have said about him. Then if what they saw and what I said didn't match I would lose my own claim to honesty.
Of course he knows I go to meetings. He has met a few of my friends. He knows when I leave the house (mostly). Funny though, all summer I have gone to a noon meeting on Wed. at the same club that he goes to a noon meeting. He has never seen my car there and never mentioned that I have been in the same building that he is in. On my way to my car in the parking lot I sometimes meet people that I know are in meetings with him (like my bro-in law or the guy who is remodeling our house or a guy I met on a cruise) and either they don't mention that they saw me or he doesn't mention it to me. Doesn't matter. We never talk about it.
My fiance knows all about this board, I talk alanon all the time now, I use it in all my affairs...well trying to anyway, practice practice practice... I mean he doesn't know who posted what but I do use some examples of what the people who have been here a long time have said and I tell him how others are doing things in their own recoveries. He also said at first that he thought Alanon would tell me to leave him. Then he realized it was for me to work on me and he has actually noticed the changes in me and says I seem a lot happier than even a year ago when I took my first fledgling steps into alanon.... The change is beginning with me... and I hope he meets me in recovery. Sometimes he reads my posts if the lap top is open and he is sitting near by. He has also been on some websites of his own for recovery and has been reading more... one day it may take. We actually talk alot about it all. We have very open minds and conversations.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
He also knows that Alanon is for me, and it is not something that I do to punish him or to get back at him. It is a program that gives me tools to live my life - tools that I did not get as a child because I grew up in the insanity of active alcoholism. This is 100% about me, whether anyone else knows it or not.
Aside from why I go, I don't delve into big discussions about steps or other recovery related stuff with my AH. I work mine and leave him to work his. Other than discussions about gratitude, we just don't go there :).
It helped my AH to know that we are not supposed to really even talk about the alcoholic in detail at meetings--and that the focus is on us. I think showing some flyers/literature helps, too. Having a counselor also tell me right in front of him that I needed Al-Anon, too. i wouldn't be shocked if he read this board and figured out it was me...he is sneaky like that of course, but then again, maybe somethings he needs to hear! (sorry--cancel that...)
