The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was triggered this weekend right back into my own disease. Yes I do believe and know that I have a disease of the mind, body and soul...spirit... I am triggered by many things but somehow because I have a sponsor, she can just speak to me and I am back in program. If I don't use the tool of calling her, man, I am out swimming at sea alone with the sharks of my mind... So sometimes my disease still gets to win as I work on me.
We were at a cook out on Saturday that my 8 year old son's friend was having. To make it short, we were having a nice time. Near that street was a small mini mart and a liquor store. I didn't think anything of it. My A had had one beer that day before the cook out but was feeling good and happy and I wasn't thinking about anything but that we were enjoying the cookout. I got to hold my friend's 10 month old baby and my A and I were playing wit the baby. Suddenly he says he is taking a walk to the mini mart to get an Auto Trader magazine.
My heart stopped. I lost my program. I followed him around front and told him I thought it was pretty rude to just leave the cook out. He then got a bit of an attitude back and couldn't understand where I was coming from. I said I really don't think its polite to leave because we are guests here. I did say all of this calmly and then I went back to the back yard. He came back and was silent. I remained silent but inside I was not calm at all. I was screaming at him in my head. Couldn't call my sponsor then, but I knew I would call her as soon as I could. Anyway, we had to leave to take him to work (he had to work at 5pm, this was 3pm). My son stayed at the picnic and hung out until I got back to get him. As soon as we left my A said "Go to the package store for me"... I knew right then that I had to let go and let God...however my mouth wouldn't stop. I said a few things, then shut up. Then we got home and he got ready for work. He drank a total of 5 drinks before work. Then he said he would put his wallet away and not bring it to work so he wouldn't be tempted to get more... I kept out of it. Dropped him at work and went to get my son.
Well wouldn't you know he texted me to see if I would bring him his wallet. At that point I was back in my program and I calmly said no I wouldn't because I was home with my son playing a game, which I was. He asked again 20 minutes later, and I again said no, I was busy with my son.... he stopped texting. I was able to stick to my boundary that he knows which is I don't drive around to help him feed his addiction anymore. I finally got a hold of my sponsor as she was away from her phone, and she encouraged me and told me to turn my phone down so I would be better able to concentrate on my son. She said even though I slipped, I got back to my self and my side of the street. So that next time I would do a little better. She said I see the changes in you, and you realized your mistakes and can now make it better. She said Get busy with your son and turn the phone off and you will feel better... Guess what? She was right, I did :)
When I picked him up that night at work (he isn't driving yet) he was in a good mood. We talked. I made amends for working from fear instead of program. He thanked me and apologized for having an attitude. In the morning we had smoothies and breakfast. We had a nice day. We talked more about things and how I didn't feel it was acceptable to leave the cook out. He made amends for that and I think we came to the same page on that.
Anyway, my trigger happens to be fear... fear that we will look bad at a cook out, fear that he will get in more trouble, fear that we won't keep up appearances... fear in general... its something that I know I will have to deal with when I do step 4.
How did you all deal with your triggers in the mean time before you did step work? I am on my way to doing my steps, I am in the midst of the first 3 steps... so just looking for ideas. I know for me I have to call my sponsor, come on here and read literature. But in the heat of the moment, when I can't seem to keep my disease from taking over... what can I do to stop the insanity while I work on the first 3 steps? I am so glad I have a sponsor to call, thats my number one tool...but if she can't answer her phone... deep breaths? What worked for you guys?
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Sounds like a tough weekend, but also like you have good awareness of what's going on for you and what you really need to do.
In my experience, step 3 has been the most wonderful, profound relief of my fears! Finding faith has made all the difference for my peace of mind. Of course I still struggle, but I'm doing much better than before and I think I will continue to get better as I let go and let god!
Hang in there!
Doozy
My short answer and what worked (works) for me is practice, practice, practice, an occasionial slip and then more practice. Working the steps helped tremendously, but like alcoholism, slips are part of being human. Recognizing and acceptiing the slips as you did shows your growth in the program.
There is no cure for alcoholism........and as hard as I try slips are much the same........but by practicing and working my program to the best of my ability the frequency of my slips have become further and futher apart........practice, practice, practice RLC.
I too am doing better than a year ago at this time. I mean man oh man I was a train wreck then! Now, I am doing much better... Thanks for this, I am working on my faith and finding somewhere to grow my faith.... I know it works when we work it :) Thanks Doozy!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hugs :)
Just being aware of the fact you are feeling fear is a big part of the battle at least you know what to look for. You are working such a great program. You slipped and got back on the horse and moved forward instead of sliding completely backwards. Go easy on yourself, progress not perfection :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm just beginning the steps myself, so I really can't offer insight there. . .
But I do know about fear, so maybe I can share what works for me with that. I'm a decorated combat veteran, and I've felt my fair share of fear.
First, before I tell you my fear trick, let me say this. You have more courage and power over your own fear than you realize. From my experience, it's easier to get shot at than to admit there's a problem and then seek help for it. You've already done that, so you are no coward.
Ok, the trick: It's got 2 steps.
First, identify what you're afraid of.
Second, let it happen and face it straight on. You can't control it anyway. But you can control you, and what you do while afraid.
A strange little thing happens to me when I do that. First, the fear isn't there. Second, action that I can control (myself) relpaces it. Finally, the next time I'm in a similar situation, the fear that used to be there is oddly absent.
Identify fears, and meet them head on. I am not doing steps... but I get scared alot. I can't say I am perfect at doing this, but years of CBT training has helped. Also, I had a massive fear of water (long story) so I went to live on a ship for 3 months when I was in the Australian Military. It worked partially and my fears feel more rational now.
Pushka :) Thanks for that :) I am glad to be here... Brian, wow, I have never heard of that before. I have a lot of fear from old childhood trauma...and from newer stuff... but you are right, and guess what, I am sure it wouldn't have been as bad as I THOUGHT it would be... Thanks for this insight :) Linda...Thanks for that too :) I will keep coming
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
You could create a god box to help you finish up with step 3. When you confront things you truly have no control over, put them in the God box (or HP box) and let HP handle them. It is a concrete way of "turning it over." This is why we say the serenity prayer so much because it truly is the center of all 12 step programs.
For now you are learning about powerlessness and what you don't have control over. The latter steps are going to help you figure yourself out and that will then help you change things you can change and it will aid you in having the wisdom to know the difference.
