The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey everyone, how are you all? I've posted this on the AA boards too but was recommended to post here too, I hope you can help me.
I'm not an alcoholic myself but my partner is. I knew he was before I began to date him, so it does not affect my opinion on him, but having been with him for a while I've noticed things I didn't notice before, things he blames on the disease. Everything bad, "it's because of the disease." I have come here to try and understand.
I know I can't truly understand, but I want to know if his feelings are normal and true, or if he is using this as an excuse for his moods and attitudes, to try to push me away. I understand how alcoholism isn't just as simple as not drinking but it seems to affect him all round.
When he goes to meetings he is fine. But if he doesn't get to as many meetings as he needs, things start to go all wrong. His perception of things (situations, people) changes, he accuses me of looking at him in a certain way when I really don't. He accuses me of looking at other people, when again I don't, he doesn't like me to go out with my friends as he thinks I'm going to cheat on him, which I'm not going to. Very paranoid basically. And he gets so... difficult - being really picky with insignificant things, resent people for very small things, very sensitive, he gets irritable, restless, stressed. He is mean to me and tries to push me away, saying we are never going to work (yet when he is well I'm the most wonderful woman he has ever met, tells me how great I am, he is full of love and affection). He can also be very manipulative, and unreliable. He says all his defects of character come out when he misses AA meetings and his head goes crazy, he also gets fearful. he calls all of this classic alcoholic behavior > is this true? I haven't seen him for over a month now, as it never seems to be a good idea to see him when he is sick; he always picks a fight with me and says he would rather not see me than meet up and fall out or make tensions. He said it's not choice but need.
In a non-alcoholic context, this behavior is unfair and can verge on cruel sometimes, but does the disease do this to a person? Having been in an abusive relationship before I am now very aware of the signs; control, jealousy, manipulation... This man, he is so very kind and a good person, I can't see him being abusive, but the signs are there and it frightens me, but perhaps it's me being paranoid.
He's also said nothing but AA can help him, which makes me feel useless and bad. Is there really nothing I could do to help him? I'm being as supportive as I can but hate the fact that I can't do anything myself to help him properly.
Does anyone else have a partner like this? Is this behavior regular for someone who has been missing meetings?
You are in the right place and are not alone. As the sig other of an A believe me everything you have said is exactly what it is like to be the sober party in the part of a dance in addiction.
What alanon is about is focusing on our own behavior. If your A has AA available then possibly there is alanon for you as well? Please look into face 2 face meetings of alanon in your area if it's a possibility I encourage you to go. It will do you good to hear others share. There are many stories on the boards of where people were at when they first started please stick around and read those as I'm sure in some of the stories you will see your situation.
Alanon offers hope as well as encouragement and strength. Without this program I would not be able to stay with my A. I don't know what the future holds I just know I'm in a much better position.
The 3 C's come to mind in reading your share, you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control the addiction and you will not cure it. It was a huge release for me to recognize that the addiction itself is not my fault and that the behavior that goes with it, is also not mine to try and control or reason with.
Please keep coming back, please continue to share and ask questions. Alanon as a whole does not give advice they encourage us individually to figure out what is the best plan of action and to keep the focus on ourselves and not on the addiction.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Sugar, I can only answer for what I have seen in my hubby who has been in AA for 11 yrs. There are some dual members on this board who go to both AA and AlAnon and they will have more to say to you from all that they have heard or felt in their meetings.
Yes, the amount of AA meetings they go to does affect their minds and change their behavior. It does not excuse their bad behavior if they still have bad behavior. I would have to question why does he NOT go to his meetings when he clearly knows he needs them? Is he excusing his bad behavior? Not cool!!!
My own hubby always is in a bad mood when he doesn't have enough meetings. My own confession.....I asked him a few years ago to please not go the meetings on the ship when we went on a cruise because he always acts secretive and guilty when he sees fellow members around the ship. He will talk to them without introducing me and treat me without respect when he is sees them. He also had a woman hitting on him and telling him what a wonderful person he wasSo after a few years of that I asked him not to go to meetings. Well, I now watch him get crabbier and crabbier as the week goes by. I finally told him that I wanted him to go to a meeting if he desired. He didn't the first night after that and was still crabby, but the next day he did. He came back with a smile and a better mood.
You don't have to be supportive to someone who has bad behavior. It is his job to be the best person he can be. It is your job to be the best person YOU can be. You don't have to put up with bad behavior and you don't have to be supportive to someone who is unwilling to help himself.
Dear Sugar, I see several large red flags in your post. The one that I see as most significant are the attempts to isolate you. To use your own words---unfounded jelousy and manipulation are also very concerning. Especially, since you have been in previous abusive relationship/s, it is very important to consider these warning signs.
Abusive partners are usually very attentive and appealing in the beggining of a relationship and also between episodes of of abuse.
You ask if this is normal for an alcoholic. Yes, many alcoholics are abusive (many are not), BUT ALCOHOLISM IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSING ANOTHER PERSON.
No matter what you are told, you are not obligated to accept abusive behavior---from anyone.
I cant answer all your questions, the good thing is he recognizes he has a disease.
After being with an alcoholic for a time the disease does start to affect us . The one thing you can do that is useful is to attend face to face Alanon meetings for yourself.
There is nothing you can do for the alcoholic, but there are steps you can take for you and your emotional protection.
Alcoholics are not normal, so they dont act in a normal manner. They cannot live up to our expectations .
My advice, since you asked is start your own recovery, keep coming back. It works if you work it.
I have found from my own interpersonal relationships that there is a Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde personality in my dear alcoholic. It is as you described, so nice and pleasant to be around then sometime later, cruel words that follow.
If you have not attended a face to face alanon meeting I would highly recommend it. Also, open AA speaker meetings really helped me understand when I was new what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now for the alcoholic. Hearing their stories and journey through recovery helped me in mine.
Please keep posting, stick around and get to know us awhile. We are happy you have come. Welcome to the MIP family!
