The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For close to two weeks now my husband and I have been spending more time together, communicating better, and staying out of each other's programs. In the last couple of days, however, I have observed that he seems much more intense, less patient, frustrated, even very angry. I have been able to be much more detached than I have in a while. I step back, feel what I feel, and work on me, realizing that I am not the problem. It's almost easier to see that the issue isn't me when he's so out of sorts. However, it's tough to watch, and even more difficult when nearly every move or sound I make sends him reeling - he has to tell me what is wrong with me (my actions/behavior), tell me what I should be doing, etc. When I walk away from a conversation (not in the middle of it, just after I've realized that he is reacting to everything I say or do), he spouts some profanities and accusations just loud enough for me to hear (often pretty nasty) for another 30 seconds.
I have been in the mood this weekend (for the first time in a long time) to just relax and do leisurely things that I enjoy - even just reading the newspaper or a magazine. It's taken me a while to be able to do this again. I ask my husband what he needs, and invite him to do some things, and then try to let it go. Often though he follows me around, playing a game of push-pull. He wants me to make decisions for him. He wants to spend time together but then is nasty and pushes me away. He hasn't been going to meetings like he agreed to do after his inpatient and outpatient treatments. I'm not supposed to put my nose in his recovery business... My biggest issue is that, at times, every second of time spent with him is difficult - he throws rage at me through his tone, looks, demeanor, and often words. He has become disrespectful in his behavior toward me when we are around people (mostly his family, we're temporarily staying with them for some weeks). They have noticed and said something to me. He is hot and cold, turns on and off. Yikes! Help!
I'm trying so hard to work on my Adult Child of Alcoholic issues - which makes is both a bit easier (through understanding me) and more difficult (I get little patience from my AH). I am criticized by my AH whether I am working on me or not - In fact, I started working harder on me because he kept telling me that I am the problem. Only to discover that I wasn't crazy, and that the problems weren't so acutely me. So, no more depending on him for that! What I also discovered is that working harder on me has make me feel a little less emotional/reactive, so that I don't question myself constantly when he is in a frenzy. It gives him less reason to point the finger at me and, when he does, it makes it more obvious that the issue isn't me.
I hope I've made sense. Thanks!
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
The best way I can look at my recovery is to read either here or in my journals what my responses would have been back in the active co dpendent mode days. This is my two cents however reading this post from you .. I see someone who has made incredible changes in a very short time. YOU are working your program!! You go :)
I think it's always interesting when the A's behavior starts to be commented on by other people and they are going umm .. what the heck. I've started to refer people back to my A. Especially about the lies that are now crumbling around him. If someone says I thought blah blah .. I just say I don't know what "A" has told you it's probably best you take it up with him. I then change the subject. Whatever his behavior, whatever the lies it's NOT about me and I don't view it as my business.
Yup, yup and yup .. you know your truth, that's exactly how I feel now .. I know my truth and it doesn't matter what my A says because now I know. That's an amazing place to be in too. I no longer feel the need to JADE .. (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain, thank you MIP for that one .. love it!!). I will say that being said my A does that to me as well the disrespect thing and I'm now calling him on it in front of others and then walking away. I don't argue or anything I state, I do not appreciate it when you put me down in front of your family. I then walk away. I don't do it in a nasty way either it's factual. It's worked wonders for me. He absolutely hears me in a whole other way. It puts the focus of his own behavior back on him. I've even heard later from someone that they were relieved I said something.
Something my A started with me was making a detailed list of my past wrongs and present need to work on's and I nicely said you know you may be right. That is something (if it is, I'll look into how that would fit into my program if I'm not) I'm addressing in my program. How is your program going right now? I have not heard another word about "my" program since that last time. I don't bring up his either as he doesn't have one. It's total deflection (HA .. my favorite word :))
You made total sense :) I'm so happy you shared this today!! :) Congrats on your progress, keep coming back because it works if you work it. :) You are working it!! :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hope you continue on . Having lived with an Alcoholic for many years, I have found they have a difficult time looking and living with solutions.
I am grateful that I acquired the strength and wisdom to move forward and recognize that change for the alcoholic is sometimes difficult for them to overcome. I mistakenly thought that all he had to do was go to AA and that would be that, problem solved. He did attend AA , went to rehab numerous times, many programs and many close to death experiences later and sober living and he still continues to drink. The thing is , even though we marry or live with alcoholics, it brings on intolerable situations and issues. We have to know that if the choice is too still honor our marriages or relationships , we have to know were dealing with a disease on many levels. Sometimes the drinking is a manifestation of another mental issue. We are not psychiatrists or therapists, just a human being that fell in love with another human being.
It is a waste of energy to tally up who said what to who, who did what to who when your dealing with an illogical sick person with a drinking problem. Not being with the Alcoholic any longer, I look back and realize when living with the alcoholic , it was unbalanced. The only better moments were when he was sober and there werent too many of those moments. I can honestly say most of the problems in the marriage stemmed from the drinking.
All I can say is continue to work your program, Alanon is about solutions, not just getting by and trying to live in unbearable situations , but to empower and recoginize your own life potential. It has nothing to do with the Alcoholic in your life. Keep working it Klotus.
As I read your post, I recall reading in several books written by expert behavioralist that people who are hurt themselves, lash out and hurt others around them, especially those they love.
Perhaps your husband is dealing with a lot of unconscious hurts and that is why he lashing out at you. He knows if he lashes out at others, they won't have anything to do with him.
My mother had a horrible childhood and never dealt with it; she developed a personality disorder and never dealt with it. Consequently, she was a very painful person to be around. She was hurt and continued to hurt. She took a lot of her hurt out on my siblings and me. She was ill; in a similar way, your husband is ill, too.
You're doing a good job of not reacting. I know it's difficult. But you can do it, and you know you feel better as well. Keep working on you.
take good care
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 14th of August 2011 01:17:00 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi KLotus I remember my parents doing a similar thing when Dad first got sober. He wanted to be part of the family and wanted to do things 'right'. He must have thought this meant helping everyone else to get 'better'
I do remember my Mum responding with.. perhaps that would be best discussed in a meeting?
