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This is pretty LONG, but it makes me feel better to write this out and share. Thank you for giving me a safe, supportive space for this!
Well, I posted a few days ago that I had asked my friend and roommate to move out. We're both young, single professionals and it's tough to find a place to rent on your own around here. We've lived together before and have been friends for several years. This latest time living together has not been working well for a long time.
We have different living standards and I catch myself feeling resentful as I do more than my fair share around the house. When I would ask her about it or try to talk about the housework, she's often snippy and kind of like a teenager. I think I could deal with this IF we were able to talk about it. I'd be willing to work out some kind of arrangement we could both live with, but since we can't talk about it, I just can't see this situation working for me. It also makes me feel taken advantage of and disrespected or not valued as a friend.
I've also noticed that being around her doesn't make me feel great... She seems to be often very critical and judgemental (two of my "demons" I need to get away from). She'll call people "losers" and "weird" and talks about people behind their backs. She's kind of like a "mean girl" from high school! These are not things that make me feel great and I've often felt judged by her and not living up to whatever she thinks I should be (another "demon"). She's a partier and drinker, drunk most weekend nights and often during the week, drinks to blackout and sickness. She might not be an alcoholic, but is definitely an abuser. This also makes me uncomfortable.
There are other reasons that I have a problem with this living arrangement, but these are the main... I just don't feel like an appreciated friend or that I have a positive safe place to come home to after work. Those are bottom line things I need, especially right now, to support my recovery and progress with this program. Having her in my home is too much for me.
So, I had decided almost a month ago to ask her to move out. The day I had planned to do it, I was all psyched up and ready - her boyfriend broke up with her out of the blue! Argh! So I waited. It's been a few weeks, and I can tell that it's just not working and I need to ask her to go. I don't need to sacrifice my needs to protect someone from consequences of their actions (yay!). I'm broken hearted too! (two months out of 3 yr very serious relationship with ABF and kids) I need to make my recovery my number one priority and so I had to ask her to leave.
I tried to set up a time to talk and she began avoiding me - it was kind of funny that she finally did a couple of the things I had asked her to do (replace things that she had broken, etc.). When I couldn't talk with her in person, I just wrote out a really nice, short note the best that I could do. I felt really good about it. I just laid out that we have different lifestyles and expectations - and that's okay - it's just not going to work for me to continue living together. She read the note and then avoided me completely for the next 3 days!
I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't know if she thought I didn't want to see her or if she was mad or what she was thinking. I felt pretty confused and terrible. Finally, last night we were at the same event. I asked her aside to talk for a second. She didn't want to talk - "You want to do this now?!" (scornfully) I said I just wanted her to know that she didn't have to avoid me - "I KNOW I don't have to" and that I wanted to talk with her about what was going on - "I don't have anything to say to you!" Yikes. It was terrible. She was mean and rude and really selfish. She said she knows we're not compatible, but can't believe I'm doing this NOW. (since she's so heartbroken and has apparently forgot that I am too) I'm the bad guy somehow and she's the innocent victim and apparently I don't have the right to ask her to move out (I gave her 2 months and said she could pay prorated if she leaves early, pretty flexible I think)
I said I was prepared for whatever her reaction would be, but I am disappointed. I was afraid she was not a true friend, and it seems like she really is not the kind of friend I want or need. And I am sad. I feel like I kept investing in a relationship again that was not equal and was not supporting my own health and happiness. I shared too much with her and so it hurts even more to feel rejected. I'm also concerned about how this will play out with our group of mutual friends. My mom says this is when I find out who my true friends are. I suppose that is a good thing, and it's time because that's what I need.
It's tough. I am trying to keep my alanon principles and steps in mind and to not doubt myself or beat myself up over any of this. Got to keep the doubt and guilt and self-criticism at bay. So, I'm going to ask my higher power for help today and do my best to take care of myself while I grieve my illusion of friendship with this person and try to find the strength to seek out the kind of friendships I really need.
If you've read this far, thank you. Thanks for the safe space to share this and work through these issues. It's really hard for me, but I know I'm on the right track.
If you have any ESH to share, it's most welcome! Thanks again!
This is the right move for you and I think in the long run she will see it too. Standing up for one's feelings/principles or whatever is never the easy thing to do.
You are doing such a great job with your program and putting what you need first. It's ok to be selfish especially when it's something that is damaging you. I've had many friendships I have had to let go of just because it became clear that if I didn't I was going down a road that just was not working for me. If you don't put yourself first who is going to? It sounds to me like you did it in a way that was kind and even considerate considering the circumstances, I don't know if I could have handled the situation the same way.
Pat yourself on the back know you are operating from your higher power and a good place. Way to work your program, true testament to it works if you work it. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow Doozy it sounds like you did things more than fair and are working a great program. I believe your mom is right and this will all play out for the best. I am glad you didn't let her avoidance shut you down. Keep standing strong and walking your healthy walk! I hear growth and strength. Way to hand it over to HP and move forward. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm sorry this is so hard. Her avoidance, put-downs, and acting as if she's been victimized really confirm that she's not the right roommate for you, don't they? It's disappointing to have invested in a friendship that turns out to be problematic, but as I see it you deserve many congratulations for recognizing that and moving forward and taking care of yourself. Some of us (I plead guilty) have waited years through all kinds of dysfunctional behavior from other people before putting distance between us and them. It's also the case that if anything can be salvaged out of the friendship, even coffee now and then a couple of years from now, it's better to stop the resentment-building situation as early as possible. Which is what you've just done.
It sounds as if this will free you up to take good care of yourself -- that's good going in my book.
