The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just some background info, I had posted on here a couple days ago about how to tell my AH I am going to Alanon.
So last night we had this really long conversation, it started by him asking me about my student loans and why I hid them from him (when I still had not realized he was an alcoholic, he squashed all thoughts I had of returning to school, so I whent ahead and did it anyway behind his back and very recently confessed to him I had $20 K in loans) He thought I was sad which I wasn't! I was just doing my own thing..reading magazines. Finally he says to me..I want to know what will make you happy. I am so grateful for Alanon in the short time I have been here and going to meetings...because normally I would have said I would be happy if you stopped drinking. Instead I said I didn't know what makes me happy, but Alanon is going to help me get better so I can learn about myself and what makes me happy.
I was brutally honest with him, which is not something I would normally do unless we were in a heated arguement, but I even went further and said I didn't know if I could be happy with him drinking every day, but I wasn't making any decisions. Whether or not I can be happy with him or not is something I have to find out on my own. I told him I didn't want to see him sick, but if he wants to continue down this path, that is his problem to solve and I will not rescue him anymore. I told him I love him, but I need time to figure myself out before making a decision to do anything about our relationship. This is about me, not him, and I need to work on making myself better. it was very emotional. but he completely understood and confessed a few things to me as well.
He told me that minus the past three weeks, he has been having a beer in the car on his way home everyday for about two months. The thing is he KNOWS he has a problem, just by listening to him last night...he says sometimes he just wants to come home and rest, but when he gets here he decides to have a beer "and that's how I get screwed up" he says (meaning, once he has one, he's done cause it's hard for him to stop). he also said he knows he has a huge problem. We all make mistakes he said, but "I make the same mistake every day" (he drinks daily, although he doesn't doesn't get drunk half as many times as he used to) Of couse then he went on to make excuses (he's lonely, depressed, doesn't have friends, the commute is killing him, etc.) and I just listened and didn't pass judgement. Of course, after that he laughed and said "Your going to a place about alcoholics" and shook his head. I just said I explained to him what it was, and he can either choose to believe me or not.
I am proud of the way I handled it, and I'm happy that now he knows where I am going and don't have to make excuses about appointments or shopping, or walking. I am thankful for Alanon!
WOW WOW WOW look at you work your program :) Hugs P :) Keep coming back it works if you work it!!
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That's a wonderful share :) It sounds like some wonderful communication with more honesty and openness that can actually help move both of you in to a better relationship and more health and happiness as individuals. I'm sure it took a lot of courage for you to be so open and honest with your husband and it sounds like you were able to do it in a loving way. It's good you can recognize your accomplishment and be proud of how you handled it. Sounds like some great progress! If you keep this up, who knows what kind of happiness and peace of mind is ahead for you?!
I think that is just wonderful. It is so nice to finally share with a loved one truthfully. I too in the beginning did not share where I was going. When it was discovered I had been attending Alanon, it was poorly received by my AH. Things got worse, but I kept getting better. Thankfully my AH is supportive of me attending Alanon today. The program is just a blessing for my entire family.
Kudos to you~! It seems like many (most?) alcoholics think we go to Alanon to complain about the alcoholic. I probably thought that's what I was doing when I started Alanon too. Some of the meetings I go to have AA members who are working both programs which I think is interesting. I was at a meeting where an alcoholic said that stopping drinking was easy compared to the work he did in Alanon. So there ya go!
Anyway, keep working it! I'm right there with you.
