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My AH had an accident a little over a month ago while seriously intoxicated and got pretty banged up. He's been sober ever since, joined a Smart Recovery program (he is an atheist so he has a really hard time with AA), sees a therapist and goes to meetings. He seems to be doing really well but I know he stll thinks he can go back to moderate drinking someday. I don't know if he's ready to accept the fact that he needs to live the rest of his life without alcohol and/or any other substances. I'm currently seeing my own therapist and attending Alanon meetings, still really new to the program but I'm trying. Here is my question, I'm wondering if it's wrong for me to consider leaving him if he starts drinking again. I know I'm supposed to live one day at a time and focus on myself but the more I think about it the more I know that I don't want it in my life ever again. If he chooses to go back to drinking, even if it is "controlled", I don't think I can be happy. I feel like I need to make a decision, tell him if he wants to go back then I won't try and stop him but I will be leaving him and taking the kids out of that environment. Does this go against the program? Can I do this or do I need to just think about the now and not worry about the what if?
It is suggested in Al-Anon not to make any major decisions for six months. No one can tell you what you should or should not do. Only you can make that decision. He is working his program and you are working yours. Hats off to you for attending f2f meetings. He is not drinking now and you have time with the help of the program to make a dicision that is best for you. The program tell us to not project and put the focus on ourselves. As you said "One Day at a Time". Your answers will come. Keep coming back. Keep attending your f2f meetings. And keep taking care of yourself first.
Aloha Liz and I'll add my welcome along with RLC's. I am a member both of Al-Anon and of AA...we're called "doubles". My wife, like myself comes from the disease and even though has never seen me under the influence (we married after I had 16 years alcohol free) she does have a tolerance statement that if I were to return to drinking she will leave. It doesn't even figure in my sobriety because that is from me to me. If I drink again I stand much more to loose including my marriage.
Rod (RLC) mentions the "wait" period of 6 months and attending program consistently before making a major decision like divorce or leaving or any other major choice. When I got into Al-Anon it was wait 2 years in recovery before making a decision like that...however we are all responsible for our choices and the consequences thereof. Not all of my decisions have come out with favorable consequences so I need the waiting period all the time before making major decisions which isn't such a huge deal now because I can live one day at a time and I can mostly self focus rather than focus outwardly at the world for change. I don't project or fortune tell anymore or any of that other "my will run riot" stuff. If HP is in the management chair I'm waiting for orders from upstairs. Lastly I came to just detest "holding her disease over her head" projecting failure and setting her up for failure. That sucked and was part of my apology to her as I grew in recovery. Alcoholism is a disease and there are HPs bigger than myself to call upon for help. If I run again I own the consequences again.
You're doing the right thing with reaching out. Good luck on your growth. (((hugs)))
Glad you have found us and hope you keep coming back. There is lots of wisdom among the folks here.
The six-month waiting period on big decisions is recommended because lots of us tend to make hasty decisions before we have a deeper understanding of alcoholism and our own recovery. But I do believe we all need a bottom line. I didn't have a real bottom line for years, and things kept getting worse and worse and worse. Each time I'd think, "If he drinks again, I can't stay with him ... okay, he drank again, but if he comes home drunk, I can't stay with him ... okay, he came home drunk, but if he passes out, I can't stay with him ... okay, he passed out, but if he steals anything, I can't stay with him ... okay, he stole, but if... " And it went down and down into really crazy behavior -- from both of us.
What I found out from that is that I not only needed a real bottom line, but I needed a plan for leaving if I intended to go through with it. I had to cope with all the emotions on my part, and the addiction I had to him and the chaos, much as I hated it all. It was still better than facing my own overwhelming emotions, and while I was with him, I kept having the hope that it would all turn around someday. Needless to say, it did not. But having to face that it wasn't and that all those years of waiting on my part were futile was a big step.
It sounds as if you have already been thinking things through clearly so you are way ahead of the game.
The other thing that Al-Anon asks us to think of is our motivation for saying what we say. For instance, "If you do that again, I'm leaving!" would be trying to control the other person (which we're unable to do, basically). But, "I'm afraid that the drinking is so hard for me and the kids that I'll need to protect us by separating if it comes back" is more a statement of clarity. It's the difference between an ultimatum ("you must do this or I'll...") and a boundary ("should this happen, I'll have to protect myself by...") Some people don't even mention the boundary to the other person, since the intention is not to control their behavior.
I am so grateful for my face to face sponsor in Alanon because it was she that told me in our literature it is suggested to wait six months to one year before making a major decision in my life. Thank God for Alanon, Thank God for my lovely sponsor.
I was so ready for a divorce when I walked back into the rooms of Alanon the second time around. I kept looking around to see the same men and women sitting there, years apart from my first stint, and I said to myself, why would these people still be here if this place didnt work?
So my spouse had a terrible accident that landed him in ICU for 9 days two major surgeries. In fact recently with his medical history on a medical appointment his doctor asked him if he was a stunt man because of the tremendous amount of surgeries he has accumulated in under 40 years, half of them being a direct result of alcohol related activities.
So I do have an understanding as to the no tolerance, wanting to take the kids and leave. But for me, I stayed and I am so glad I did. I have a wonderful marriage and love my husband tremendously. He is a teriffic guy who is caring, compassionate, patient, and understanding. He is my best friend and a wonderful human being who happens to suffer from the disease of alcoholism. I think the lowest bottom I felt was after his 9 days in ICU, three months of rehab, he stopped taking his seizure medication so that he could drink again when he was out of town for business. I could smell him 20 feet away and asked the question, have you been drinking. To which he replied, no. I was crushed, defeated, that was my bottom. I knew this disease was much bigger than I was. I knew I had to go back to alanon for help.
For me I was able to clearly make the decision whether to stay or to go after I had worked the steps with a face to face sponsor. The answer was abundantly clear to me and I wanted to stay because I could clearly see why I loved this person. I was able to have compassion for their struggles and separate the man from his disease. My sponsor who also lived with active alcoholism and had a daughter too that drank, showed me that it was possible to be happy joyous and free whether a loved one is drinking or not.
Today my husband tries to practice the controlled drinking phase which is discussed in Chapter 3 of the BB of AA. Paraphrased as "the idea of somehow, someday we will be able to control and enjoy our drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker" I dont know if he will make it to AA, but if he does, his recovery is none of my business. I am grateful to have a recovery program of my own to turn to. The best thing I have found is the idea of living one day at a time. I cant do this alone. Alanon is a "We" program. I have the support of my group, sponsor, and my HP to keep me grounded. So just for today I will not join my spouse in his disease, I will wait until he joins me in my recovery.
Dear Lizabelle123. mattie said what I would post---only much mor articulate! I can only add that you are the only person who gets to decide what you want you life to look like (and for your little ones). Perople differ very much in what they want and will tolerate in a marriage.
Please take my comments with a grain of salt, since I am still fairly new at this. I have been attending Alanon for only a few months, but have been working on these issues through counseling for quite a long time. I am now seeing huge positive changes in my life and am SO grateful!
I think it's not wrong to consider leaving, just like it's not wrong to consider staying. I like that this program gives everyone flexibility to make the decisions that are right for each person. You can decide to stay or go or temporarily separate or any other possibility and be supported here to find health, happiness and serenity for yourself.
I think it's wise to consider the program's recommendations against major changes for 6 months-1 year, but also to know that those are general recommendations and each person's situation might be different. Mattie pointed out the bottom line concept and determining what your true bottom line is, what you really need at a minimum from your husband. I have found that I needed to go ahead and make some major changes already to give myself a chance to recover. I had been living well below my bottom line for too long...
A couple things you might also want to keep in mind (but again, take with a grain of salt) -
-- Most A's will relapse at some point even during recovery. Even if he quits drinking and works a recovery program, chances are high that he might drink again at some point (and may quit again or may keep on drinking).
-- I think I've also heard that only 5-30% of A's are able to maintain long-term sobriety, even with a recovery program.
-- Many people suggest that you eventually consider making a decision based on what you would do if nothing changes.
If you keep going to meetings and reading and working the steps, I think the right answer for you will become clear. Many things can change as a result of working through this program and I think that's part of the reason they suggest to wait so long before making decisions. Relationships start to shift and then shift some more, and it might be wise to wait and give the changes a chance to happen and settle out before making such a big decision.
I wish you all the best in this struggle! It does get better!
It is not wrong to consider leaving. It is not wrong to consider staying. We don't know all the aspects of your life and relationship, so it is not part of our program to tell you what to do. We only want you to get educated about all the choices you do have. Sometimes it is so dreary in our lives that we can only see one way out. Keep on reading on the web site and go to face to face meetings and you will learn from everyone who has to live with this disease.
You can tell him what your ultimatum is, but then if he crosses the line you will have to 1. live up to what you said or 2. eat crow and let him know that you don't have the willpower to do what you said you would do. I hate crow. Tastes bad.
Or you could just say to yourself what you will do if........ Don't burn your bridges because you never know if you will have to take back what you say. So don't say it. You can still believe it and have a plan. You can decided if/when "it" happens if you want to activate your plan.
Hi and welcome to MIP Lizabelle, I have nothing more to add to the great ESH you already received, I just wanted to welcome you and send you some support. Keep coming back.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you all for the wonderful advice! I think part of the problem is that I'm afraid if my AH starts drinking again I will fall out of love with him. I think he is an amazing person, smart, funny, caring when he is sober but frankly I cannot stand him when he is drinking. I literally cannot be around him because he is an obnoxious, belligerent and frustrating drunk, I start despising him It's like he is two different people and I love the sober one but if the drunk comes back I'm afraid I'll stop being able to see the sober guy that I care about. I know I have to keep working the program and keep coming back. Thanks again!
I came here a few years ago with the same question. I used the tools to evaluate what I needed to do. One of them was to make a plan be. While I was making the plan be I was not tortured with guilt, anger, resentment. I simply set about making it.
Detaching and getting very good at detaching is such an art around an alcoholic. They can pull us into their quagmire pretty easily.
For me when Al-Non members visited the country town and had a meeting which I attended, one of the members said to me "have you ever thought of leaving?"
35 years ago that was a shocking idea to me...that I could even consider it.
With no Al-Anon meetings in that part of the country I had no more information or opportunity to work with Al-Anon members there.
Eventually came the day when I left, the home and the state.
That jolt/shock was enough to have my husband contact AA.
Six months later with he in AA and I in Al-Anon and the six children at AlAteen we came together again.
