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Hello, all. I'm new here, and have a problem. 10 years ago I married a man who has been sober for 20 years now. I obviously love him, but I recently found out he had a brief affair recently. He has ended it, and says he wants to work to make us work. He likens it to a relapse, going so far as to say he even went to meetings prior to actually having the affair to get advice (meetings that he has attended just a few times a year since our marriage), stating he used her instead of drugs or alcohol. He's 58 now and she was 29...literally 1/2 his age. I just don't know where to go from here. Since he is calling it a relapse, I feel like it's fair for me to ask him to start going to regular meetings, stop working 16-18 hours a day, and be accountable by giving me his passwords to his accounts, both bank and internet. I think he's working to avoid his feelings, but also feel that he is using that to avoid accountability. Is it fair for me to ask for a time when he will be home. He is a counselor in a drug/alcohol recovery center (isn't that rich) and often does have crisis he needs to attend to. But I don't feel like he's taking care of himself, either. Am I way off base? Help. I did tell him that if this ever happens again, I'm outta here.
I can only give you my ESH. When i was with ex A I snooped on his phone, email, tried to find out what he was doing. I got very very sick that way. We adopt the three C's here, we can't control it, we can't cure it, we didn't cause it.
Snooping and obsessing got me to a very very bad place.
Thanks for the advice. You are right of course, the 3 C's really do make sense. I don't want to be that person, and, although I sometimes in my anger, think I want to snoop, I know it would only make matters worse. I vacillate between extreme sadness and heartbreak, anger, and compassion. And thank you TT for reminding me what I already know, get support, and take care of myself and my feelings. I just need to vent, to prevent myself from doing those things, to check in on what's real, because I know they lead nowhere but to my own sickness. I truly do love him, but I need to first of all, figure out what want, what I need to do. Thanks for listening.
I know this is very hard, and has no simple answer. I snooped on my qualifier, and I caught him in several lies. I thought that if he loved me, he couldn't possibly lie to me. But the fact is, people lie when they feel it is necessary. We can't force them to be truthful.
As others said, focusing on your A will not solve anything, and will only make it worse. The more we focus obsessively on them, the worse they will probably treat us. We have to let go and let god, and we have to detach. Obsessiveness drives the answers away, letting go allows the answers to come through.
Sorry you are going through this, it sounds like you know what you need to do. I hope you keep coming back for support.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi and welcome here! Others have said great things here. I will only add that going to alanon meetings for me is whats helping me not do many things that are bad for me. Snooping, checking, questioning... all sick behavior. I don't have any account information because checking just feeds my disease. It is better when I work on me and take care of me. I went to meetings, got a sponsor and am working the steps. I read here, read the alanon literature and go to meetings. I write in a journal, post here and ask questions after the meetings so I get answers for my situation. One day at a time I am getting better. I am learning to let go and let God and let the changes begin with me. I know for me an affair would be a deal breaker. Thats just me. I went through that before with another man and I will never do that again. For now, my qualifier is a sweet, kind, loving man who happens to be an addict.... I keep coming so I will keep getting better. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Dear Zenflower. I would never feel that someone should ignore the occurance of an affair within a marriage. In a traditional monogomous marriage (as I am assuming yours is) it can be a devestating occurance.
Couples can rebuild the relationship but BOTH parties have to be committed to the work--as it is not easy. Both parties have to want to fix the marriage as a top priority. Marriage is about 2 people together---one person alone can't do it. Complete transparency as to activities is a part of the process of rebuilding trust again.
In my experience, you will have to decide first what YOU want, what YOU need in a marriage. I think you have to be in your situation to really know what your feelings will be. I consider it dangerous to "hide" from your feelings. Every time I have tried this, it has met with disaster.
You seem to indicate that you want the marriage, he SAYS he does, too. One has to put the money where the mouth is. Wants without action are merely wants.
I am speaking from my experience. I hope that this is of som help.
What struck me first in your post is when you said your husband went to a meeting for advice prior to his having an affair to get advice. I would be absolutly shocked had anyone told him that having an affair would in any way be a good idea instead of drinking. Alcholism and infedlity often happens. In your husbands case it sounds as if he had already pretty much made up his mind to have an affair and then call it a relapse. My opinion is thats just an excuse, and alcohoic can find an excuse for all thier behaviors, its the nature of the diease. As far as putting expectations on him and checking up on him etc, I think you already know that isn't going to work. Thats where we get back into thinking we can control the actions of others. Actions speak louder than words. If your husband has said he wants to work things out and has ended the affair, leave it at that. But listen to your instincts or gut feelings, they are usually spot on. This very well have been a one time thing for him and he is done. I think you will know in your gut and heart if he doesnt follow thru. I feel for you and your situation truly and hope all works out for the best Blessings
Xeno, he said the fellowship advised him to NOT have the affair, to come clean with me and he says he blew right past that advice, thinking he could control it and I wound never found out since the woman in question was moving out of state as of 8/11. He thougt he could use without consequences. I agree, back up words with action, though. And I am listening to my gut. I knew when this happened, but kept thinking, no, not him. We've been through hell this past year, as I was diagnosed with an brain anuerysm in 3/10, have had 3 brain surgeries, almost died, and have had a difficult, but by all accounts amazing, recovery. He had been a rock through it all, staying at the hospital and then my rehab center as much as they would let him, supporting my recovery, etc. Now this. Sometimes I wonder why God kept me alive for this. It is the most painful thing I have every endured.
