Day 3 (my yesterday, your Friday today) - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Day 3 (my yesterday, your Friday today)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda, You have expressed how much his marijuana use bothers you right? He thinks he doesn't really have a problem and his marijuana use is not that big a problem for him. He thinks your reaction to it is the problem (this is what I gathered from your other threads). I am sure he probably really loves and cares about you, but his marijuana use is an entrenched way that he copes with his emotions and stress. It is all he knows. I am NOT saying constant MJ smoking is okay or not. You have to decide if it's okay for you or not. It very well may continue forever. What if it does? What are you going to do? The hyperfocus and worry about his weed smoking is driving you nuts. I read that clearly. Plus, I also read that you seem to think if he loved you enough, he would stop. Well....it's not that simple with an addiction. It's complicated. Yes, he can stop. Yes, he probably does love you a lot... Does he have enough motivation of his own to learn a new way of living and coping with problems sober (doubtful).

So, instead of spending so much mental energy on things that are going to make you miserable and end the relationship for sure...try narcanon or alanon...You will figure out if you can put up with his getting stoned all the time or not. You will figure out more about what makes you happy apart from him. You will learn that your whole world and your serenity does not depend on his choice to remain sober or not. If at some point you decide you don't want to put up with his getting stoned all the time and that is not good for your relationship...that is fine. That will be your choice, but right now, you are giving all your power to him and his addiction.

I hope this makes sense, In essense, I am telling you there is a solution. Please keep coming back and seeking help from others that have been in your shoes.

Mark

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda this is the difference in me now and then. I like me now better.

Tonight my wife is over at a good friend of ours one block over and called to tell me she will be home around 10 PM. They are going to sit out by the pool and talk along with another friend of ours. I don't have to wonder if she is going to drink or not. It's a given. Before Al-Anon I would have let it worry me to no end. Asking myself the same questions. Let it consume my thoughts. Destroy my serenity and peace of mind, by putting all the focus on my Awife. Looking back I ask myself why?.......The only answer I can come up with it's all I knew, it's what I was suppose to do.....over and over.

I can look back and laugh at myself now. My wife is not a bad person, she is a person who likes to drink, she's an alcoholic. She will have a good time tonight, conversation, and laughing with her two good friends. She might have to much to drink and she might not. I am powerless. Me, I'm going home.......along with my two Labs.......in a few minutes and cook out on the grill, BBQ chicken, watch a little T.V., check out MIP, and maybe catch the online meeting. I'm going to do exactly what I want to do. I'm going to take care of me, keep the focus on me, and be happy.

In the six years I have been in Al-Anon nothing has changed but me. My wife is still an active alcoholic. She drinks every single day. Somedays she drinks to much, and some days she drinks maybe not as much. Everything goes back to Step One with a "twist".... I am powerless over alcohol, but I try by working my program not to let it make my life unmanageable. It took practice, but it was worth it.

Linda your doing good. You asked "Will this keep going on forever". I could ask myself the very same question. Neither of us have that answer. What is important is what are we going to do. I'm going to do what I was told the first night I entered the rooms of Al-Anon........Always take care of yourself first......keep the focus on yourself......and keep coming back.....it's what worked for me.

HUGS,
RLC

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The only solution I have to your situation is -- if you dont want to be lied to stop asking the question . like the drinker he is only doing what pot smokers do .. smoke . assume he is and act accordingly . When we stop asking the question we already know the answer too our lives become less troubled I grew so tired of those stupid arguments that solved nothing except to upset the whole house..

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If you knew it were going to go on forever, how would you handle it? I mean what decisions would you make to take care of yourself? Those are just questions to think about, not to answer out loud to us. But I think it is safe to say that it will go on indefinitely, far into the future.

The options are, as I see it, to try to go on living with it, with the new tools of Al-Anon and a program of recovery of your own. That could take a variety of forms. Or, otherwise, to separate from your A (addict). That could also take a variety of forms: not really any contact, or keep him as a valued but troubled friend, or whatever.

I also went through that phase where I kept checking. Because I just had a hard time getting perspective on the situation. Was he really drinking every day? Was he really lying about it every day? It was especially confusing in my A's case because he wasn't drinking every day. He'd go six months without any drinking I could observe. But when he got started, oh boy, there would be six months of nightmarish behavior. I never knew when it would start again. Eventually I figured out that the important thing was that it would start again.

Or as my therapist used to say, "Sometimes you just have to keep touching the stove to see if it's hot." I can hear you thinking, as I did, "Is it hot? I just want to touch it. Is it hot? Is it hot?" I still struggle and find myself thinking, "But maybe..." Then I try to remember how many hundred times I've said that when the answer was right in front of me!

Keep on taking good care of yourself!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda,
Did you get the book Getting Them Sober yet? There is a page in there that says "Stop telling him how to get sober (And don't talk to brick walls either)..." Truly, it is their life and we can't make them stop. Getting busy is a great thing for you! Maybe if you have time this weekend, you can do the online chat meeting here, its at 10am Sunday morning. I don't know about where you live, but there are weekend real time meetings too. Or maybe do your best' to get to a real time meeting during the week after work. I work all day too and I want more than anything to just come home and do nothing or hang with my fiance and kids. But on meeting nights I am making it a priority to get to the meeting. I work from 8-4:30, get home at 5, take my kids to karate and then get to my meeting for 7. I am out all day, but I need that meeting. I stopped saying I couldn't make it, and just went. It was so hard. At first I didn't think I could make it, I didn't think I needed to really go... but then when I did go, I knew I had to be there. And that book I mentioned here helps me keep on my path when I can't be at meetings, along with One day at a time in alanon and Courage to change. Keep coming, you will see that you can do small changes over time. The Just for today things says something like Just for today, I will do something for just 12 hours that if I knew I had to do it forever, I wouldn't be able to do it, but just for today I can do it... Its what I have to do every day to stop myself from snooping or checking up on my A. I keep coming back and going to my meetings. I don't ask questions I already know the answers to. REmember what Tom here says from Canada: He is either going to drink (or smoke pot) or not... what are YOU going to do?
Keep coming! HUGS!
Oh when you get One day at a time, read pages July 5, July 14, July 25...

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thankyou all of you. You all have hit a point with me today.
The stove thing really spoke to me this time
Yes I keep checking to see if it's hot... maybe one day it won't be hot.

Just to clarify, he doesn't smoke every day. If he did, then I would have sort of predictability... but he doesn't so every day I wonder if he will

You know the worse bit, I have no idea why I wonder.

He is not abusive, he is not even mean, he is vague and tired, but most of the time.. not all but most.. he goes and does some work around the house with a bit of a buz on.!!! The times I wonder, is when I am not at home and he is stoned before going to work... I am not even there so how can it affect me? thats when I get caught up in the "you should tell me these things" thought process. I have to learn to stop asking myself the question, let alone stop verbalising the question to him.

Most of the issues I have with it stem from my childhood and I know that doesn't mean he can get away with anything, but it just confirms to me, that I am in the right place here.

Thanks also pinkchip. that was good too. YOu very accurately reflected and paraphrased my previuos posts, and brought me back to the current. thanks. Do you do this as a job hahahahahaha.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

For many of us, at least, predictability in a spouse is an important thing. Some people know for certain that whenever they come home, their spouse will be sober and unimpaired. They may be grumpy, they may be distracted, but they will be sober. For those of us with A's, it's not predictable. (Unless it's predictable that they will not be sober.) Some people are okay with that, some are not. It is a kind of loss -- a loss of a certain kind of stability.

My A asked what was wrong with his drinking so often that I thought about it a lot. When he was passing out or unable to talk comprehensibly or endangering people, it was easy to say what was wrong with it. But when he was just "a little" impaired, he didn't see any difference. For my part, I did. He wasn't able to be "there" when I needed him to be. It was like he was phoning in the relationship from another planet. It was sort of okay if I didn't need him to be very responsive, like if we were sitting in the living room doing our own things. But if I needed any kind of companionship, even in talking about a TV program we were watching, it didn't work. He was just "off." It was like there was a thick screen between him and the rest of the world. That didn't work for me. Some people have different needs from relationships and they don't miss this as much.

I think everyone has to figure out what's missing when their partner has an addiction, and whether it's a big thing or a small thing.

Jadie · Veteran Member

We ask, they lie, we ask, they lie, we ask, they lie.......today, tomorrow, Ill stop, Ill get help, Im not a bad person, what harm is it doing, I didnt, I havent.....on and on and on......resentments building all the time, fear, loathing, loneliness, isolation........

Where was my life when I was so busy taking someone elses inventory ? I gave it away, willingly, to an addiction.

Me, now, I will have none of it. I dont want an addict in my life....they offered me nothing but empty promises and endless lies, sleepless nights and heartbreak....where was the normal, simple stuff?

How much of this short life was I expected to give over to a disease? I was miserable, and they kept on doing what addicts do...

I didnt cause it, I couldnt control and I couldnt cure it, nor could I love them out of it.

I kept the spotlight on them, Alanon has taught me a different way.....Im grateful.

I worked the programme and jumped off the merry go round.....it was the right thing FOR ME.

My life is good, peaceful. Peace is everything to me.

In support

Jadie x

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Linda,
My exAH didn't drink everyday and I used to think I could control or steer his drinking one way or the other. After 15 years of crazy making, I get it that he is going to do it, when he feels like doing it and it doesn't have to make me crazy or obsess whether it will occur. He has our kids 2 days a week and it took me a long time to let go mentally of the what ifs in the time he has them. I now trust that my 13 year old will let me know. I can't be checking up on him anymore, even though he is okay with it, it makes me crazy. I had to seperate myself to focus on myself and I am not telling you to do this at all, I am just saying that there were other issues that went along with the drinking that were unacceptable to me after I hit my bottom. Self focus and self care are very hard to focus on when you have been trained to focus on others for so long, but I find it much more beneficial to my mental and physical health. Sending you courage and strength.

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