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My 15 year old and I have been pretty adversarial lately, which isn't all that unusual between a teen and his parent. It's just that he is sickly sweet to my EAW (Estranged Alcoholic Wife), he calls her 3-4 times a day, fawns all over her whenever she's around. He treats me like a leper while she can't do any wrong.
She has been doing very good since the fourth of July getting back on program after a slip up and I am happy to have her in my kids' lives, but I realize I want him to look at me like the hero, like the strong one that held it all together, but you know what? That's my ego trying to take over, you can't just let go of the blame, you have to let go of the credit too.
My ego makes me hyper sensitive when he makes a disparaging remark about me and I react angrily with full knowledge that I have every right to force him to respect me. This morning when he started in on me I reacted calmly, instead of getting mad I reminded myself about all the things I love about him. I didn't allow him to disrespect me, but I didn't escalate things by reacting with anger. The morning was calmer. I'm still a dork in his eyes that has no clue, but I'm OK with that, because he needs to start doing things on his own and nature's way of facilitating that is to turn teenagers temperarily insane.
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 12th of August 2011 04:06:42 PM
I so can relate to that. My 16 year-old thinks her dad is the coolest guy because he loves music and plays video games wheras I am the witch from hell and not cool at all. oh well.
I am learning not to take it personally, its hard because it hurts. When we stay consistent in our behaviors tell them we love them and do the best we can, it works. I know it feels like its unfair but our kids have the right to have 2 parents, we cant judge or criticize the alcoholic one. We have no control over them. we have control over us so we need to try to be supportive in our lives and practising the al-anon tools. But thanks for this because this week with my kid sounds a lot like yours. There is hope and we can do it. ;)
My dad pulled the disappearing act and I really thought he could do no wrong and it was all my mom's fault. Take heart, it took some years, some serious let down however I see that my mom did the best she could. She got all of me because she was the person who stuck around and so it was safer for me to act out around her emotionally. My dad was fly by night sometimes there sometimes not. You sound like you have a much healthier relationship with your kids than I had with my mom so if I could come around believe me your kiddo will as well. :)
You have every right to let him know that making snide comments is not ok. Allowing someone to be who they are is one thing we are still parents and we still have to set appropriate boundaries for our kids. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids.
I say teenagers have temporary brain damage (I hope that's not offensive to anyone, it's what I see), they live in a world that they have all the answers and none of the life experiences. We've all suffered through it too and come out the other side into adulthood and the brain damage disappears or we pray it does (a LOT). They also see parents as being born as parents and never ever being a child, teen or young adult. After all we're BORING .. what could we possibly know? We never did anything wild and crazy. I laugh when my daughters friends say to her, .. my mom says the exact same thing to me or we hear another parent say what I have said over something specific. My daughter will look at me and say Mom, .. do you guys all get together and decide on one rule? LOL .. no. It's what parents do, guide and help our kids become functioning adults.
Ego's are the pits especially in parenthood. Good job working your program keep up the good work. :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are so right and have good insight into bringing up a teenager.
I am new here and not sure of your past or your sitation.
I would like to comment on my experiences as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
could it be that he sees you as the one who has enforced all these rules (boundaries as a very good and loving Dad), but Mum lets him get away with anything he wants?
You are the rock, but that means you are the one who makes him clean up his room and try to be as 'normal' as possible?
His Mum may not instill any of those rules.
I know with me, my Dad didn't care if I had a bath or not, it was always Mum doing those things.
A mixture of teenager and dysfunctional home will be difficult.
Have you thgouth of Al Ateen for him if he is interested?
Please keep in mind I am new and always listen to the more experienced people here.
I am new here as well, but I have a 15 year old daughter. My active AH is in the home, and she laughs at every joke he tells, she feels sorry for him when he is having a bad day, she criticizes me when I tell him somehting he does not want to hear. From my experience and my job as a teacher, I am thinking your son knows his mother is sick. He probably knows she can't help it, and he probably already knows she is not capable of enforcing the same boundaries you can. He knows his mother loves him, and in his eyes, he is helping her by being nice and sweet to her.
I don't know much about your specific situation, but for me I know when I was tired of fighting with my AH and before I came to Alanon, I was trying to be super nice to my AH because I didn't want to cause an outburst. I didn't want to fight, so instead I did everything for him so he would be happy and stop drinking. Before I came to ALanon I thought I was causing him to drink and I thought I could control him. Might this be what your son is going through. The mind is a very tricky thing...and when we are living with or love an alcoholic, everything we do revolves around their reactions. It seems to me this is similar to what your son is doing. Again, I am no expert.
With my daughter, she is not disrespectful ever, but when she does get annoyed or bothered with the way I react, I remind her that this is her father's problem to solve and not mine and this is how I make sure I'm in charge of me. I remind her that I am not changing my action/reaction because she feels sorry for him. She usually responds with a "sigh, I know". which means to me she knows I'm right.
Have you had a real conversation with your son about his mother's problem, about alcoholism? Does he really know what's going on? Maybe you can suggest Alateen. I haven't suggeted Alateen for mine because I don't think she's emotionally ready for it and to completely accept that my husband has a problem. In the meantime, I would continue reinforcing your expectations that he is not allowed to disrespect you, but also tell him you understand how he feels, and it's ok for him to feel that way, but it is not OK for him to disrespect you. Good luck and keep coming!
Hi dad, You have received some really good advice. I also know that kids are confused when one parent is the "rock" and the other parent is the flighty parent. One truth about being the "rock" is that he knows that he can always count on you. He doesn't have to worry about you leaving because you are the rock and he knows that no matter how bad he is, you won't act out on him. His mom? He has to always be sucking up to her because he knows she is very likely to be out of her mind emotionally/spritually/physically. He may be full of fear for her.
I hope you can set him down and have a good talk with him and let it all out. You may be a dork to him now, but when he gets into his 20's you will again be the great dad/hero who can do no wrong. Do the next right thing.... and then the next.... and you will get through this. Your kuddos will come later.
