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Now that I'm not fighting and nagging it seems my husband wants to do it. For the past two months I have been doing really good. I do not fight, argue, give attitude. When my AH is talking too much and annoying me, I'll listen for a minute, nod my head and say I understand, then say I have to use the bathroom or something and he forgets what he was telling me. I went for a bikeride yesterday with my little girl, I went to the park, went shopping. I listen when he needs to talk and he has been listening when I talk
But, I noticed when he does something I don't like, and I POLITELY tell him to please not do it, he gets a little hostile. He will suck his teeth at me, and say something like "You always have a problem with what I do" he doesn't yell but gives me attitude and shakes his head at me and walks away. I don't engage, and I walk away also.
The weird thing is that when I used to argue and fight, he would tell me to leave him alone. He would walk away from me and I would follow him and want to keep the fight going. Now that I am doing nothing, it seems he is picking a fight with me.
Does anyone have everpeince with this. Is it just unfamiliar to him?
Also, I am at the point I want to tell him I am going to Alanon but I don't know if I'm ready. I have a feeling, since I have not been nagging him about the drinking, he must think I do not have a problem with it. he has not directly said this, and I may be wrong. I want him to know I still don't like it, even if he is not getting drunk everyday. He knows he has a problem, he directly admitted it, but he also said he does not need help for it. I know it depends on everyone individually, but when did you decide to tell your significant other about Alanon and how did you do it. What did you say?
It's a good feeling to see what doesn't work for us anymore congrats :) That is awesome!!
I absolutely know what you mean, it's almost like I'm being tested do I really mean what I say kind of thing. My A can tell I'm different he's thrown out some seriously juicy bait, and it's bait in the past I would have been all over it. Actually it's bigger than bait I would have been all over .. LOL. Now I say my piece (and I do mean piece .. lol) and I let it all go. Some of it is the fact that my reactions are unfamiliar to my A (again in my situation this is how it is), I've found the more that I let go the more he is coming forward towards me instead of me pursuing him. If your A is active I have heard and read it here that they are looking for what I call the "excuse" to drink. When they can't find that "excuse" it is a pause for them.
As far as alanon goes, I'm a little slow .. lol .. it never dawned on me to not mention it to my A. Everyone has a different situation and for me it just works better to tell my A I have a meeting to go to, he knows what that means. Now we've gone from I have a "meeting/ thing to go to" to I can now say I have an alanon meeting tonight. He is doing better. He still looks shocked and I don't know why as my schedule hasn't changed and the kids even know when I go .. lol. I had to laugh last night he pulled out all the stops, I was running behind not terribly enough I knew I would be a couple min late and I hear come look at my garden pile .. it's a rock dirt pile that has a bunch of mismatched stuff he's planted, .. well .. I thought .. it's ok I can be late, I am still going. So I looked thanked him for sharing and then said I had to run or I would really be late. He was dumbfounded I think on a lot of levels .. lol. Poor guy .. after all .. all I've heard is I'm complicated and he's a simple man. Now I've really confounded him .. lol. How much more complicated can I get I'm living my life :) He still tries like last night to go out of his way and distract me from time to time and that's ok, now if I feel like it's a build up to the distraction I text him as I'm pulling out of the drive way. It's no secret that I'm going. Again that is my specific situation and some people don't have the luxury to be that honest with their A. Everyone needs to do what is best for them.
In the beginning he did question me, I was very clear it wasn't about him (which is true in a weird way) it was totally about me for past (and present) things I needed to deal with so I could feel better about myself. As long as it is about me he seems to be ok with that because it's not about him being the "bad guy". I was very clear it wasn't a let's bash the spouse hour and he could come if he wanted to see what it was about. He declined I was relieved .. lol .. only because it's nice to be able to share and not feel that I'm having to censure what i"m saying.
Keep working your program and doing the best you can, hugs, P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Friday 12th of August 2011 03:45:23 PM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Odalis, glad to see that your proving the validity of this program. Its here to make your life easier while living with an active alcoholic.
Its not about him, but about us spouses and family members. For no matter what you say or do an addict is going to do what he is going to do, no matter what.
Detachment is threatning to an alcoholic , as we change and stop doing what we used to do they become insecure , alcoholics like to control and when they dont get the reaction they used to from a partner they react the more we learn to respond. My husb told me that as I learned to detach from his behavior he felt like I was throwing him out that i didnt love him or care anymore I reasured him that was not the case that I loved him enough to allow him to do what he had to do with no interference from me . His drinking was causing me a problem and I chose to do something about it * Al-Anon*
Great responses here to your situation! I'm learning so much.
The thing that comes to my mind is how how hard it is to stop attempting to get a desired outcome. Healthy detachment happens by keeping the focus on you, again and again and again. Every day, in every situation. Most things that we make our business have nothing to do with us. (BTW, I'm married to an active drinker who is verbally mean, drunk or sober--started zealously working the program 7 months ago! Love it!)
If you think too long and hard about something, that's a sign that you're going for a desired outcome instead of Letting Go and Letting God.
Let his HP work on him and worry less about what he will think about your decision to go to Alanon, or whether he'll come to the conclusion that you're fine with his drinking. We alanoners find all kinds of way of trying to make things turn out the way we think they should. It's exhausting to try to have everyone else's duck in a row, including yours. The first thing my sponsor said to me in response to trying to make my husband see things a certain way was that most things are none of my business.
It takes hard work but the pay-off is dignity and peace of mind! I feel like I'm rejoining life and finally growing up.
