The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife has been dry for 30 days today!! Thank God!! She is more patient with the kids, helps out around the house, even offered to make dinner for the first time in forever the other night. I have read some of the big book as well as "Everything Changes". Im doing my best at supporting her...constant "Im so proud of you", "I love you", "YOure doing great".
My only concern is this seems to be even more of a time consumer than the drinking. She has been very selfish in the wet times, and appears as selfish in the dry time. She is only home one night a week and this weekend was supposed to be a large family gathering, and at the last moment she is considering backing out to hit 2-3 meetings. I asked when we to get to enjoy some of the new and improved mommy and she flipped.
I have been daddy and mommy for three years (my sons entire life) and am getting a little impatient as to when this is all going to get better. I'm very thankful she is dry, but I just want to see her, as do our 3 little ones (age 3-5-7). Does this get better? Can I expect this forever? Is it appropriate for me to ask if she is going to cut back on these mtgs or is that rude?
I can only relate this to my own healing in alanon, I know the more meetings I go to the better I feel. It means putting the focus back on me. I have read other posts that say the first year is total immersion into the AA program.
It sounds like she's telling you without saying that the family gathering might be to much for her to handle I don't know I'm just speculating.
What are you doing for your own recovery? Are you attending alanon meetings? It is so important that as she heals that you do too. You have to take care of yourself especially right now.
Welcome to the boards and I hope you keep coming back. There are others who are in your position or who have been in it that will be able to share what helped them during this time. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I want to go, but when? She has told me I should go as well, but I point out that we are never all in the house together. I feel like Im begging for time with my wife, I cant imagine leaving in one of the moments she is here
Hi and welcome here! Alanon is just the place for you, to get busy working on yourself recovering from the affects of alcoholism. See we become just as addicted to the person drinking as they are to the alcohol. Here in alanon, we learn a different perspective and way to live. We learn to get off the alcoholic's back so they can do their recovery work. We learn the 3 C's: We didn't cause them to drink, we can't cure their drinking, and we can't control their drinking (or recovery). Your wife does need meetings, she is trying to get better from a disease that could have killed her. In recovery she is learning about herself. Maybe a big family thing doesn't feel great to her right now so early in her recovery. It may not be forever that she attends so many meetings, but it will be for a time. Thats why alanon is for you to help you get better. I hope you keep coming here, and I hope you find alanon meetings in your area to attend. Meetings that are in real time and face to face, have helped me so much, to get better ways to deal with myself and my life. There will be more people along to share their experience, strength and hope. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I want to go, but when? She has told me I should go as well, but I point out that we are never all in the house together. I feel like Im begging for time with my wife, I cant imagine leaving in one of the moments she is here
Thats just it, you need to go, while she is home with the kids so that you can get better and then you two can renew your relationship as you both get well together. Gives you a break from the kids and her a chance to be their mom.... Keep coming!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I want to go, but when? She has told me I should go as well, but I point out that we are never all in the house together. I feel like Im begging for time with my wife, I cant imagine leaving in one of the moments she is here
It is so much better to begin your own healing and you also deserve a break. My own marriage issues did not happen over night any more than the situation between you and your wife. There is no quick fix it's going to take time, patience, work together and work apart to make things better in the long haul. Right now I'm having to work apart and it is still making a difference in a good way.
I also get that sometimes what we hear and read on the boards or in a meeting is not always what we want to hear or read. While your wife has to start (and has started) at her own beginning so do you. I truly hope you will consider finding a meeting in your area and then carving out that time for the two of you even if it is at o'dark hundred. Maybe it's 15 min in the AM for coffee together, sharing a reading, watching a tv show in the evening, I don't know, I do know without the healing of alanon in my life things would be a lot harder and I sincerely doubt my AH and I would still be together at this point. It does get better.
Please keep coming back and please keep posting, I truly understand your frustration. All of our situations may differ in details the core (emotional) issues we can all relate to. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Recovery for alcoholics can be very time consuming, especially at first. My ex-AH has been out of rehab since the end of June. Since then, he has attended a morning and evening AA meetings daily, plus he goes to his out patient care at the rehab center 3 days a week for 3 hours each visit.
He returned home after rehab, even though we're divorced. So I know what you mean about recover for alcoholics being time consuming. However, I have read enough and listened to others who have walked in my shoes to know that I need to get out of his way so that he can do what he needs to do.
Now, we do not have little kids. Our kids are in the thirties. So my situation is somewhat different.
Do you have a meeting schedule of Al-Anon meetings that you'd like to attend? Perhaps you can sit down with your wife and make a "tentative" plan together. If she wants you to go to meetings, she might be more willing to figure out a way that you both can attend your respective programs.
All in all, however, you will likely have to continue to be the primary caretaker for your young children while your wife establishes a new way of life.
I strive to focus on what is going right in my life, and not dwell on the fact that all that I'd like to see happen isn't happening because my ex-AH is busy with his program. After living with active alcoholism for around 26 years (the first 10 years of our marriage he didn't drink so much) I revel each day that he is sober. He can camp out at AA meetings ALL day long, I don't care. I have a lot of memories of what active alcoholism is like. I no longer care if things that he wants to do around the home do not get accomplished. They can wait. I ask myself, WHAT IS IMPORTANT? My sanity & happiness. For ex-hubby, it's his sobriety.
Others, we more experience with recovery and raising young children we respond.
Take good care, Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 12th of August 2011 04:10:57 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am assuming that you do not have a program of your own , please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand how your feeling and for me that is having my own program and learning all I can about the disease both when active and in sobriety .. ..lower your expectations in sobriety and enjoy the sober days. right now AA is her lifeline they are keeping her sober and are no. 1 in her life acceptance is a must . Sobriety is difficult for everyone . Please find meetings for yourself ..I have learned that somedays all an alcoholic can do is not drink , your wife possibily dosent feel strong enough to do the family things yet , in our program we learn about plan B make your plans and if the alcoholic backs out pack up your children and go anyway, its not up to you to explain why your wife is not with you , when asked suggest they talk to her about why she isnt there and change the topic .. good luck Louise
I had to let go of the fantacy of the way my life should be and learn to accept what was offered , one sober day beats a drunk one any time.
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 12th of August 2011 05:03:05 PM
Hi I wrote a really long response to you (can't seem to learn to keep things short) but my computer closed down half way through and I lost it. I am going to take that as the universe giving me the nudge to keep it short.
Basically, I grew up in an alcoholic home and my Dad went to AA when I was young. Ihold a lot of resentment toward the focus that remained on my Dad's recovery and on my Dad now that he had stopped drinking. It seemed mywhole life was all about him. (insert child like view here as I was a child)
Luckily for me, my Mum also went to Al Anon. She took me with her as a little tacker. 8 years old. Because I ws too young to leave at home alone. (although it seemed to be ok to leave me at home overnight with an unpredictable drunk Dad when she fled to escape the abuse... anyhoooooooo)
the best memories I have of my entire life in relation to my Dad, is when, for a few short weeks before the Dry Drunk kicked again, my Mum left me at home with my Dad while she went to Al Anon. This wasn't in teh beginning, maybe 6 months down the track.. I remember sitting in the lounge room quietly with my Dad and having the time of my life playing Scrabble with him. He was sober and we were laughing and having fun. I have started crying remembering that time. for me the hurt came when it just suddenly stopped wit no explanation. Iguess he thought he had made his ammends and that was all good, wiped his hands and had made up for years of abuse... anywya, that is my resentments... but I am trying to tell you my experiences and I think they may relate to how you are feeling. I can only relate them from a childs point of view at this stage of my recovery.
My message (yes universe I will hurry along now) is that this affects your whole family. You, your children and your wife. If you thikn your children are too young to know, I would encourage you to think about this further and watch your childrens reactions. You are sick together, recover together. If you all had the flu at the same time, would only one of you take antibiotics???? No, because the othes will just keep on reinfecting. You would all go to the Dr and get help.
Just my thoughts. Please remember my newness here and listen to the more experienced in Al Anon. The onoy thing I am experienced in is my own life. Lucky for me I experienced Alcoholism AA and Al Anon all before the age of 9 ahhh hahahahahhaa.
Hi Gojojo, I absolutely know what you are talking about. I raised 4 daughters while my AH had his priorities messed up. He finally got the DUI that got him into AA when he was 50 yrs. old and the kids were mostly grown. And then I thought, "good. Now it will be my time" for his attention, now that he is sober and in AA. I thought we would have this wonderful and 'under the skin' relationship. Nope. Didn't happen. As I went to AlAnon meetings and more meetings I realized that I was so fearful of abandonment and what would I do? and the wheels would spin in my head and I would get mad and sad and resenting the world. Finally I got the picture that I would be okay, no matter what. I didn't have to fear abandonment because something else would come along if that happened. I could work on my own detachment so I wouldn't go crazy with that desire for "closeness".
Along with that I had to learn that he was an adult that would do whatever he "wanted" to do.... and if that was go to a lot of meetings, he would. Or go to no meetings, he would. And I had to respect him enough to let him do whatever he wanted. And I had to live my own life and not be all angry or resentful if he chose something that I didn't want. It doesn't even matter anymore to me what he wants because I have my life, not his. Now he is the one who is looking at the relationship that I have with the kids and he doesn't have. He has to grow old knowing that the kids will never feel about him what he thinks he deserves.
Learning detachment also was good for me when he went through cancer that almost killed him. I was able to step back and be an advocate for his medical care while allowing him the dignity to be a responsible adult. And even now when I hear him tell little lies to others about his cancer journey and embellish the facts with whatever is in his head, I still can step back and allow him to be the master of his own ship. I do get a little smile, though, because it reminds me so much of the drinking days when everything that came out of his mouth was a lie.
But the fact is, it doesn't matter to me what other people decide. It matters to me what I decide. I don't want to live being reactive to someone else's behavior. I want to be able to make my choices for what is best for me (and for my kids when they were young.) I guess what I am telling you is just keep on being the good dad that you are. You may not have much time with your wife. It will be her choice when she wants to re-enter the marriage and parenthood. If you go to the meetings you will get support for you and your decisions. You will be supported to do what is best for you and not for her.
