The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to break up with my recovering alcoholic boyfriend but I'm scared to. I keep hoping a "light bulb" will come on in his brain that says,"Oh I get it now. I'm being a total jerk with no compassion, empathy, or remorse when I yell at her, belittle her, curse at her, hang up on her and blame her for my reactions"...
We've been together for three months and I actually believed him when he said he was a healthy communicator and had his act together now since he turned his life over to Jesus Christ. The nice, sweet, giving, and emotionally available boyfriend is now done a complete flip on me and I am being a total whimp about kicking him to the curb! I keep hoping if I show the mature example of communicating, he would follow especially since he just turned 48!
Perhaps it is because he has only been out of prison for four months after serving a 20 month sentence for drunk driving! He has to go to 3 AA meetings a week, drive with a breathalyzer, and report to his parole officer once a month. And I didn't mention that he is living with his parents until he gets a real job!
I'm ready to get off this merry-go-round!
Wow!! Sounds like a lot has went down in 3 mo. Red flags are flyin! I can only suggest that you put yourself first and do what it takes to have peace within.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your post reminded me of an Alanon pamplet that I just love. It is "Alcoholism, A Merry Go Round Named Denial" If you have not read it, you may just relate to it. It can be found online.
Dear tropics4, In my first marriage, my husband was an intolerable narcissist and refused to make the smallest change to respect my feelings/needs. As I developed a stronger self-esteem and self confidence, I was able to leave the marriage of 6yrs. Now, decades later, I hear that he has not changed one tiny bit. Reports are that he has gotten worse!
Now, looking back, it was a good decision on my part. My only regret is that I stayed 51/2 yrs. too long and put myself through all that misery. In my defense, I was only 21 when I met him---and ooh soo green around the edges.
Tropics, I didn't know when I married my AH all the issues he had, but the temperment issues were there from the start. How I wished I had not ignored my better judgment. I married my AH and even though we continue to work on our marriage there are days I wish I could go back in the time machine and do it over. Getting involved with Alanon has taught me so many tools I wish I had 8 years ago, my life would be different, but I am getting the information now and it is helping put me back on a healthy track. Perhaps get to a meeting, do some reading and ask yourself if you can deal with this for the long term. Not everyone can. Whether you stay or go is up to you, but know that the power is yours, you are not captive to him, make choices that are beneficial to you. Things might get better with him, but they might get worse. Get some tools for yourself to help you make the right decision for you. I feel for you, you are not alone. Best wishes!
Thank you so much for all your loving replies. I have been attending Alanon meetings for a few weeks now. I've been to four of them. I had gone to a few AA meetings with him to support him but got to the point I needed my own help.
I do have the pamphlet called "Alcoholism, A Merry-Go-Ground Named / Denial" and it fits him to the letter. I know I'm in denial because I am very much in love with him and I do not want to break up but for my emotional stability I have to. I really believed that since he was a recovering alcoholic that he would be a healthier communicator since that is the side he showed when we first started seeing each other. I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years and just had my 3rd divorce to the same man 3 1/2 years ago. And here I am again on that stupid merry-go-round wanting it to stop, but the sad thing about it, I want it to stop with him stopping with me and it is so painful to see that he wants to stay on it.
I have cried a lot in the past few days trying to come to terms with this that I can not be with him anymore. Please pray for me to have the strength and power to love myself enough to break it off. The sadder thing about it, is that his birthday is Sunday and I really wanted to spend it with him. But why should I reward his bad behavior that has had no remorse by celebrating his birthday?
Thank you so much for all your support and sharing your experiences. I can used all I can get!
I just really wanted to say a couple of things, congrats on knowing this is not healthy for you and knowing there are 10+ red flags waving around that don't mean charge in and fix this situation for him. (What can I say I always saw red flags as a welcome mat. :))
The other thing is this relationship is very new. It's 3 months not 3 years. I don't mean to minimize your feelings, because they are yours and they are right because they are yours. It seems that things are a little intense for a 3 month relationship. That's observational, take what you like kind of deal. Maybe that's just something that should be considered if you have a sponsor to talk about .. hugs again.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Something I am learning about through my alanon meetings is that I have a part in all the madness. Wherever I go, there I am... I think you second post here says it all... Getting help through alanon meetings and my sponsor have all been the way to feeling better for me... keep coming
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi Tropics, My first thought when I read what you wrote is that you write about him as if he were a 4 yr. old that needed a good role model to learn how to be a good boy. He's OLD!! He should have learned all this long ago. Obviously he hasn't. Why? Even if he is in recovery he still has his basic personality that is shining through. What do you get when you take the booze away from a drunken horse thief? A sober horse thief. Take care of yourself and find an AlAnon meeting for support for your decisions.
Thank you for your kind reply and encouragment. We broke up tonight. He told me he was worn out with it and wanted me to leave him alone and said it on Facebook IM!!! He didnt even give me the respect of a phone call. So I called him myself to talk it over on the phone. We live 3 hours apart from each other so I could not just hop in my car and be there to have a face-to-face talk. So the drama began. I only wanted a friendly conversation because I missed just talking like that, saying sweet things, and loving up on each other, he has to bring up the heavy stuff and the verbal abuse from him began. And of course I try to have a rational and normal conversation about it and he again speaks over me, blames me, and kept saying he wants to be left alone, blaming me for some thing that happend three weeks ago that he shut down on. I wound up so upset and in tears crying to him like a big baby, but at least he was quiet long enough to hear me out and I was able to tell him how I really felt...then we ended the relationship and I was the one who hung up hurting and crying my heart out.....
I immediatley called my sponsor and she talked me through it. I do feel better and will be going to a meeting in the morning.
I love him with my heart and all I want is us to have a peaceful, loving healthy realtionship. There are so many wonderful things I miss about him....like praying every night together on the phone before bed time.
Please keep me in your prayers... I am really hurting over this tonight and I am home alone.
Hi Tropics, I'm so sorry for all your tears. I had them too. Now you have to think about yourself!! You will hurt for what has been lost but you also need to live for today and make yourself feel better. Remember the good, but don't forget the bad. Take care of yourself. Keep your support group close by.
