Hugs SG,

I know someone will have some wonderful words of encouragement, .. I would feel exactly like you in this situation. I'm sending you love and support during this difficult time.

Hugs P :)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  It sound like you need more info to know what you might be dealing with.  Try not to let your mind race.  Do you think he will be forthright if you confront him?

I would think that most of us Alanoners who are living with active drinkers think about this from time to time, and how we would deal with it if and when it should come up.  In my case, the connection isn't there between myself and my AH and we no longer have a physical relationship although he regularly asks for sex.  Because he is very mean verbally I've decided that for me I've had to stop having a physical relationship until I can reach some clarity.  Obviously this could leave to his going outside the relationship, but I can't be physical with him just because I'm afraid of what he might do.

Anyway, no matter what, you are loved and you will be ok.  Keep your head where your feet are and strive for honesty.  It's good that you're reaching out--you need your support team to weigh in on this. 

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Addicts grab onto any number of things to try to make themselves feel okay.  They go to stupefying, enormous lengths.  My A had about a dozen addictions he could switch around so he always had something to numb himself out with.  If it wasn't alcohol it was pills, or gambling, or spending, or hoarding, or ogling, or any number of things.  Whichever one he could get at the moment was the one he took, and he typically had several going at once.  There was desperation in it all.  I view it as all part of the same syndrome.  That's not to minimize the seriousness of it.  In fact it all makes it more serious.

The questions I wish I'd asked myself are: What is my real bottom line?  What do I plan to do if and when I hit my bottom line?  What do I plan to do knowing that I can't control him?

Keep on working your recovery!  Hugs.

I went through a cheating husband as well. From my experience, if I thought it was happening, it was. I had to have a heart to heart talk with my ex at the time and I told him I needed to know what was going on. It was quite obvious and I had plenty of proof to show him that I knew. He had to come clean. We ended up divorcing. He and I had a child together and that was the only reason we got married. Now, 12 years later, we are friendly to each other and we can get along. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe the best thing to do right now is wait, and give it a little time before you respond. More may be revealed in time....

Thank you everyone who posted so quickly, having you there helped kept me calm and let me think. After hours of thought I went to my AH and confronted him. In the past when I would discover a secret he was hiding he would explode, he did not this time, I think with what Alanon and you have been teaching me I have changed lately, I am more calm, I am less afraid. He told me this woman contacted him through Facebook (ugh), she was an old girlfriend, he did start to communicate with her but realized she wanted something he didn't and he cut her off. He explained the photos I found, not sure I believe him, and calmly told him so. Again, in the past he would have blown up, this time he asked if I wanted him to leave for a while so I could have some space and that he understood why I didn't believe him.

Mattie, I think what you said really hit home, my husband suffers from the low self esteem and has multiple addictions that bounce around, I do believe this woman pumped up his ego for a short while. We had a good talk, I told him that infidelity is a deal breaker for me and if I find more of what I found today that our marriage would not survive. He opened up about some needs he has in terms of my communication and interaction with him, I discussed with him some of mine. While I would be foolish to think this is resolved I do feel better that I laid out my boundary about this, I have no qualms that if he crosses that line again I will be done for my own sanity and happiness.

I think what I am learning here and the calmness I am getting has gotten my AH's attention and I feel a shift in him, this episode was horrible and took me off guard but at least now I know he is suseptible to yet another problem and I will be aware from now on. While I know in my head what I believe and what I don't from what he told me this morning I am being honest with myself about it and not simply believing him anymore out of desperation. Old me would have done that, new me is trusting my instincts and being careful. I told him I will be going to an Alanon meeting tonight, he knows there is an AA meeting that occurs at the same time and without my prompting he told me he wants to go to a meeting himself, something he hasn't done for almost 8 months. Good sign or just good acting on his part remains to be seen.

You are all angels on earth. Blessing and heartfelt thanks to you all!

SurfGirl,

Big giant hugs, that is so good you guys were able to talk about this.

I love what Deb said in one of her posts AA is not Analyze Analyze .. lol .. I took from that .. sometimes a duck is just a duck and we might want to make it a goose, .. the reality is .. it's still just a duck. Quack Quack :) Trust your instincts and be aware of reading way to much in between the lines. :)

Keep coming back and just keep going to alanon meetings it makes a HUGE difference!!

Sending support,

P :)

Keep up the good work I hear you working such a great program! Wow, really encouraging how you are handling yourself through this! Sending you love and support!