The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel a bit like I am writing a novel here but I just had to tell you guys about yesterday.
If you have been following my posts (which I know some have) you may remember that I was feeling anxious about not checking up on him, and I sat and talked to the 'dope drawer'.
In the afternoon, I was actually scared to go home from work in case I was alone and I KNEW the temptation to look would be very very high. I was arguing with some little evil smurf inside my head that kept telling me just to look. I felt calmer when I said Yes to the evil smurf, then shook my head and said... no... what... hang on.. no.
Anyhoooooooo.... I went home and had to walk past the drawer. I immediately without even opening it knew he had been in it. My heart sank, but it also jumped. My evil smurf said, so look, you know anyway, why not look. How much? When? If you look you will know how its positioned now and how much is ther so you can compare it next time when you NEED to know if you are unsure? etc etc.
And I nearly did. Again, my universe intervened, at that very second of me saying yes to evil smurf, my husband drove up the driveway.
I immediately walked outside to greet him as if I knew nothing. I smiled and gave him a kiss and asked how his day was. I could see the red rim around his eye lids. He had straightened out by now, he probably smoked early in the morning (8) and it was now 5pm
You know what. I chose not to react.
I have still not mastered it and went into auto pilot and asked him all the questions that illicit the lies. "Are you tired, you look tired" "Do you know your eyes look red". The response I get is an interested sounding "yeah" as if I have said, hey do you know there is a snake attached to your boot "Yeah... where?"
I chose not to react
We had to do some work around the house and I helped him measure up some stuff. We talked normally. My head was screaming at me.:insert screaming emoticon cos i don't know how: HE SMOKED TODAY AND IS LYING TO YOUR FACE.. DON'T BE A WEAK WILLED PASSIVE, HE IS WALKING ALL OVER YOU.... SHOW HIM SMOKING IS UNACCEPTABLE AND NOT TO BE TOLERATED.
I stopped trying to analyse it there and then and thought "I will look at this closer later, for now I am following decision I made while in the Al Anon room" Stick to the plan that you made when you were not stressed.
We got in the car out to Bunnings (big hardware store, not sure of the American equivellant) I had to ask. "Babe, did you have a smoke this morning?" I dunno why I asked (im still practicing). He looked at me with a look of disbelief as if, "how the bloody hell did you know"?
After a pause of about 5 seconds he said "Yes I did". I couldn't believe it.... he didnt lie. OMG!!!!! I did not make any response. He went on to say, "only a small one". I said, honey it doesn't matter how big it was, its your decision to have a smoke or not. I touched him on the leg (I was driving) and said, thankyou for telling me the truth.
My legs felt a bit cold and weak, I was a little shakey. I continued the conversation talking about my day at work.
A week ago, I would have said "How much? When what time?, Why? You smoked on Sunday, you are smoking again going fishing, do you think you really need to be stoned at work too? That is the third time this month you are stoned and you promised to only smoke twice a month rah rah rah.... and I would have had the cats arse lips on and not spoken to him while at Bunnings just to show him that it isn't acceptable what he did.
Instead, we had a good night. I made a joke to him later (he was very vague), are you sure you only had a small smoke this morning, you are not withit are you. He didn't answer. My meer cat suspicions raised but I told it to 'stand down'
Right before going to sleep he gave me a sincere cuddle, a lovely kiss and told me that he loved me really sweetly. He has not done that in a very long time.
Phew... thank god that day is over... now onto Day 3
At the end of "Day 2" he is beginning to see the changes in you......."Now onto Day 3"........continue working your program to the best of your ability keeping all the focus on Linda. When you were a little 8 year old girl with a book in your hands sitting in a f2f meeting with your Mother (as you stated in an earlier post) you might have heard someone say "Always Take Care Of Yourself First". That's what we are doing when we keep all the focus on ourselves.
Linda, you are doing great! I think those are huge steps for Day 2. Congrats!
And you know what? Your humor is terrific! I love reading your posts for your writing style. I don't know if that is appropriate to say (I am certainly not trying to make light of your situation). I just wanted you to know that I appreciate your shares.
Keep up the good work. And like RLC said, take care of yourself first.
hahaha thanks NovSun. I do not take any offence and I don't see it as making light. I really do giggle at my thoughts sometimes... craziness has its funny times.
and not spoken to him while at Bunnings just to show him that it isn't acceptable what he did.