Anxiety has taken over " Help" - Al-Anon Family Group

ladym · Member

Anxiety has taken over " Help"

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Ladym,

She can use you as an excuse to start drinking or she can use the sun going down as an excuse. The fact of the matter she is going to do what she wants to do, no excuse needed. You are not powerful enough to make her start or stop.

There are lots of tools of the program that come to mind to help in avoiding a fight. First separating the person from the disease. When the disease is present you don't have to go to every argument your invited to....remember it takes two to argue. By not reacting and detaching you are not participating in a conversation that will only take away your serenity and peace of mind. It takes practice. I was given those tools in the rooms of Al-Anon by other members who had walked in my shoes and wanted me to have what the program had given them. Over time my AW realized and understood that an action by her would not necessary get a reaction from me. Don't React.....only two words.....but two words when applied can be a powerful force. Silence is sometimes golden.

HUGS,
RLC

ladym · Member

Thank you for your reply, I am trying really hard to not react, but it's like sometimes I feel like if I dont respond to her she is getting away with it it and it just makes me even more mad, I know that sound crazy but, I am trying to detach, baby steps. It has helped me so much just reading all the post here.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

ladym....
You have voiced the very thoughts I have. If I don't react then they are getting away with it.
I am very new here so please listen to the more experienced

In the past few days I have thought..... "getting away with what exactly?"

Getting away with living a life they want to live, getting away with not having me as an excuse for thier actions, getting away with making me feel bad about myself, getting away with... insert your thoughts here.

I am trying to say to myself, no matter what I do, he will do what he wants anyway. My anxiety is very high today because I put this into practice for the first time last night.

What he got away wtih was taking responsibility for his own actions without having 'pseudo mum' give him a blow by blow of what he already knows.

For my anxiety, I try to feel grounded in the moment. Feel the ground under my feet, feel the seat under my bottom.

I too feel mad that they can do whatever they damn well want to do and we have to moderate our reactions to it, but not reacting will keep my blood pressure down adn my anxiety at bay, and that is what I want. At any point we can stop moderating and behave like them if we want.. we don't HAVE to do this if we dont' want to. But at this point in time, this is what I want to do, so he can do what he wants, and I will do what I want... just for now... I will re evaluate later.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

We are not judge and jury as much as it would be oh so sweet to be (at times, some days more than other :)).

I know when I don't react the guilt that my A feels is different than when I do engage him. He has to look at his own behavior (well I like to think so) it's much harder for him to be angry at me than if I engage him. Sometimes I think that's a lot of the trick about alanon in dealing with addiction is that when we take our focus off of our A it forces them to really take a look at themselves. Even if it's in a haze, it's still a look. Look how distracted we get when we are consumed, obsessed and so on with our A, we absolutely loose ourselves to the disease and it's a no win situation for everyone. Alanon offers me a win situation for me because no matter what the future holds I have the tools to deal with life on a day to day basis. It's so much healthier for me. I get to have a program that is all about me and not about my A.

RLC hit you with some powerful ESH and it's very very true.

Hugs, it's going to get better, P :)

Otie · Senior Member

Dear ladym, I agree that exploding in anger could make for a worse (and, potentially dangerous) situation. In that situation, I stay out of the person's presence---completely.

Placeing yourself in a potentially explosive angry situation is not in your best interest, in MY opinion.

In support, Otie

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience I have learned from this board and my sponsor that not reacting is the best thing I can do. What I do instead of blowing up? I call my sponsor, I go read an alanon book, take a bath, get with myself and do things I want to do to keep busy. When I get busy I get better. Take a deep breath and keep coming :)

lasthope · Veteran Member

LadyM anxiety is fear I think. It used to take over me
as surely as alcohol and drugs took over my AH. I lost my
ability to be rational when I was in that anxious,
overwhelmed state of mind. It felt like an obsessive,
fearful, tormented place. Therapy and AlAnon have
changed me. Somewhere I read that it helps to have
a plan for avoiding the explosion. Having a few ideas
of what to say when she starts raging such as "wow" for example.
For me I would say to my AH something like "you know I'm
going to let you work this out on your own for now" and then
I would immediately go to a room that I could lock the door.
Of course I had to resist that powerful
compulsion to go right back into the room and engage. I never
had to actually leave the house but many times I've left
tables at restaurants when he would start on me.
The more I didn't take the bait, the less he would dangle
it.

Looking back, my behavior was as crazy as his. My drug
was adrenalin, endorphins and rage. I cycled through
rage then rage hangover, period of quiet, then rage and
hangover all over again. My AH's behavior triggered me sometimes.
Other times I started it myself. What insanity it was.

You're in the right place. Start with Step 1.
I started my miraculous road to recovery with:
" I am powerless over my addiction to rage."
" I am powerless over my addiction to obsessive/compulsive behavior
as it relates to my AH, such as asking him whether he's impaired or
searching for proof that he lied."
" I am powerless over my addiction to my AH and his insanity."

Go to F2F meetings. Come here. It works if you work it!
Much love to you.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was new in the program what helped me avoid a fight was to know only to respond to questions not statements. Often I was sucked in by ricudulous accusations which were simply statements. Alanon taught me through the principal of cross talk not comment on another persons share. Instead listen for questons. Should one come up, I would keep my answer very, very simple. Such as: YES, NO, HMMM, or my personal favorite, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.

In tandum I would say the serenity prayer throughout the rants and raves to keep my mouth closed and preventing brain from exploding. Over and over I would say it in my head while my AH loved one would just dump their garbage in the room. No longer had I become the excuse for them to go out and drink because of a messy fight.

What eventually happened as I practiced those suggestions from the rooms of alanon was that my AH would make amends to me for exploding. Personally I feel that you can only be crappy to a kind person who is not reacting to another persons junk for so long. My AH began making amends to me for coming home and laying into me. That happened when I kept my mouth shut and did not comment on their share as I was instructed to in face to face alanon meetings.

Hope that helps.

tommye

ladym · Member

Thanks so much for everyone's reply. I practiced just walking away last night several times. She actually would follow me the first couple of times, but then she finaly gave up and realized I wasnt going to argue back with her and just left me alone. I was so relieved, it felt so good not to argue with her. I would just keep telling my self,"let it go" over and over in my head and wow, it worked. I still was very hurt and angry with all the things she was saying but I did not let her see. So over all I had a pieceful night.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs LM,

One of the most important tools I had to learn here at alanon is quit taking it personally (QTIP). Remember you still need to take care of you and all of the emotions you carry around. I hope you have a healthy outlet for letting go of the anger and frustration. Exploding does no good you might as well be yelling to hold back the tide of the ocean.

You can't argue with anger any more than you can with alcohol. :)

It does feel so good to take your own power back and choose not to get sucked into a drama that you no longer wish to participate in. :)

Hugs P :)

ladym · Member

Pushka

I have found a way to keep my self busy and keep me calm, I am crocheting again, I use to do it all the time and then I stopped cause she would get so mad that I wasn't paying any attention to her.so I put it on the back burner. I went yesterday to get some yarn so i can start again and this time I will not stop, it's so relaxing and it keeps my mind off her.Ok, well the weekend is coming and I actually dont feel so panicy or worried,I still feel alittle anxiety but I will continue to not react and use some of the tips from here to get through the weekend.All I can do is take one moment at a time and keep telling myself, I didnt cause her to drink, I cant cure her, and I have no control over her drinking.

ladym · Member

Lasthope,Thank you for your reply. You are probably right, about the anxiety being more like fear.It is a horrible feeling to have,I will try and use some of your suggestions this weekend when she starts to argue, but it is so hard to keep quite, but I am working on it.You know, she doesn't always get angry first there is times when she gets so drunk all she does is cry, I know she is going thru allot with her dad just passing away a couple of months ago, It's like I feel like I have to take care of her when she gets in those moods but then in a split second, she turns into this angry person and that's when all the verbal abuse starts.I guess that's what makes me so angry with her cause I feel like I'm the only one here for her and I am the one trying to help her through this hard time and then she treats me like that. I know QTIP. but its so hard not too.She is such a loving person when she is not drinking, I mean she has a Ora that draws people to her and she has a great since of humor,When we first met , omg she would have me laughing 247,we had such good times,I wish it could be like that again and maybe that's what is keeping me here.I just want her back.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear ladym, don't forget that verbal abuse---is still abuse.

Verbal abuse can hurt as much as fists. It is just that the damage is much more covert, and the scars are left on the inside. It is so much worse if we feel it fro m a loved one.

People will use many excuses for their abuse---addiction being just one of them. People who abuse know what they are doing when they do it. That is why they pick only certain situations and certain people.

I feel very strongly that recognizing abuse is a first step to taking care of yourself.

I am not speaking as a novice, here.

In support, Otie

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ladym, I have learned to leave the premises if anyone starts to verbally assault me. I have found that I don't deserve it nor do I want to take it. It took me a long time to learn to walk away, but once I learned I stopped playing the game. Sending you support and peace.

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