The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been working really hard to focus on myself, and not my AH for the past 2 weeks. Even been staying at work or running errands at lunch so I don't have to go home and see him and risk getting into a fight. But today I feel really sad and lonely. I did my thing at home last night, which means watching my TV show that he doesnt' like. He always feels the need to leave when I am watching my reality TV, so he went out and didn't come in until after I went to bed. I was good, didn't even get up to speak to him, or call him or ask where he was or what he was doing. I don't know if he drank, and he probably went to see his parents. But today, I am so lonely and feeling such a loss. We are not really relating to each other, just coexisting in the same space. I am off tomorrow on vacation and plan to spend the day looking into new career choices and education for myself, but why am I feeling so low today ? I went to a F2F meeting yesterday but it was lackluster and I didn't feel like I got much out of it. The pattern at home is better, so why do I feel so alone? Am I expecting miracles or experiencing depression?
Please be gentle with yourself, change is never easy for anyone at any age. You are changing behaviors that are familiar and known. Even when it's bad for us it is so much easier to go with the known than the unknown. As relationships change they can be gratifying and painful all at the same time. Again into the unknown, it's always kind of scary. That's ok. :)
Give yourself an atta girl, I hope you can attend another f2f meeting because when I feel that I'm taking steps backwards it's best for me to take another positive step for me. I've had that happen with meetings and sometimes I find out that it wasn't the meeting it was me .. lol .. I wasn't in a good frame of mind or maybe I wasn't ready for the topic at hand.
Do something for you and easy does it. All of this didn't happen over night it's not going to change over night. Or at least that's true for me I should say that, you aren't alone and it does get better.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
thanks Pushka. I think it's been a very stressful week at work and I am feeling a lot of stress and loss. Even though things are better at home, I am scared we are just drifting apart and that soon there will be no contact at all. I tend to get anxious when I feel that way and then I end up pushing. Which leads to fighting. I know I need a day off work and have been wanting to see what certificates and education is available to me that I can work on part time until I retire from my current position in a few years. I will do something just for me tomorrow too. And not feel bad about it. You may be right that I wasn't receptive to the topic yesterday, so maybe I'll make another meeting tomorrow too. It's been a year of losses and now that I don't feel I have my AH either, it feels really empty. No more kids or dogs at home to buffer the feelings of emptiness.
When I stopped focusing on my A and the turmoil of the relationship, what I found was that I had underlying depression. I guess I had always thought everybody felt this way: lonely, unhopeful, sad, tearful, unenergetic... I realized that my overfocusing on the A was a way of escaping my own depression. At least I was distracted by being angry at him, or excited about the fact that he would stop drinking and I'd finally have the relationship I wanted (it never happened), or upset that he'd done something crazy, or desperate to figure out how to fix things... I think I thought that if I could just fix things with him, everything would be all right with me.
Of course if I hadn't been going through that turmoil, things would have been a lot better. But finally I realized that I had to take action on my own depression. That's a tall order. But better than just trying to pretend it away by adding in turmoil. All I got out of that was the turmoil and the depression.
I don't know if it's the same for you, but I bet a number of us have something similar going on. And we're not used to focusing on ourselves, so we don't have a lot of strategies yet for dealing with those low moments. But finding our own ways out, instead of waiting for someone unreliable to shape up, has to be the way forward, I think. Hugs.
I think you are experiencing miracles. The same thing happened to me so I can completely relate to your post.
What I found was in developing a relationship with my HP I was never alone. Turning inward, focusing on myself was a different choice for me to take. As I kept on with constant contact with my HP I found a comfort and ease in being alone.
I have felt the same lonliness you are feeling. It is like you are in a relationship with yourself and it can be lonly but it can also be amazing to discover yourself. What your likes and dislikes are separating you from the alcoholic. I sometimes feel like we are roommates and have nothing in common but our children. Our views are totally separate but instead of leaning on him to decide what I wanna do I ask myself what do I wanna do. It can be very depressing and a little overwhelming but small steps make it possible for the big steps and the depression spells are few and far between because now I am realizing I am living my life and I am in control of it. It can be a scary lonely road at first but its a journey I am glad I have taken and I don't have to do it alone!!! :)
I've been working really hard to focus on myself, and not my AH for the past 2 weeks. Even been staying at work or running errands at lunch so I don't have to go home and see him and risk getting into a fight. But today I feel really sad and lonely. I did my thing at home last night, which means watching my TV show that he doesnt' like. He always feels the need to leave when I am watching my reality TV, so he went out and didn't come in until after I went to bed. I was good, didn't even get up to speak to him, or call him or ask where he was or what he was doing. I don't know if he drank, and he probably went to see his parents. But today, I am so lonely and feeling such a loss. We are not really relating to each other, just coexisting in the same space. I am off tomorrow on vacation and plan to spend the day looking into new career choices and education for myself, but why am I feeling so low today ? I went to a F2F meeting yesterday but it was lackluster and I didn't feel like I got much out of it. The pattern at home is better, so why do I feel so alone? Am I expecting miracles or experiencing depression?