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Just a ball of emotions today. I feel like I can't win. I feel stupid for looking the other way when my Afiance is right there in front of me, acting intoxicated. Like I am just oblivious to what is going on in my life, in MY house.
Then, I get angry and feel like I have to prove I am right by checking phone records, etc. Not that it gets me anywhere, he still denies everything anyway.
How do you do it? How do you just let it go? I went to my 2nd F2F meeting last night and it helped. I felt good afterward. I got home to find my Afiance had drank and denied it. He started questioning me about the meeting, what did we talk about, etc. I told him it was none of his business. He got angry at that. It escalated from there. I removed myself from the situation by going to bed. Me shutting the bedroom door (he was still in living room) made him mad, too. I ignored him. He came to bed and kept saying nasty stuff. I bit my lip. Finally he touched me and said "don't pretend you're alseep" and I got mad. I said I just wanted to go to sleep.
If I work on detachment and ignore my Afiance when he's been drinking, he gets irate that I am ignoring him. He makes snide comments, hurtful mean, words.
He says he didn't drink anything last night. So this morning I asked him why he said the things he did. I said "if you were sober like you claimed you were, why would you/ did you say those things to me?" Catch-22 for him. He was either 1) drunk and said those things and would have to admit he lied or 2) wasn't drunk and truly is just a real jerk. My money is on 1.
His first group counseling session is tonight for 2 hrs. We'll see what kind of BS excuse he comes up with.
I think I understand the compulsion to drink. And even the saying mean things. It's the lying that kills me. How to handle that?
I came to expect the lying first and after I learned what "don't react" meant and worked like I came to showing appreciation when she didn't or told the truth. Accepting the alcoholic/addict for whe she was, was very helpful to both her and to me. I learned to see both the good stuff from her along with the not so good stuff and I stopped setting her up for failure. Course part of that was learning how not to judge anyone else but myself and being responsible for my own self expectations. That alcoholic/addict is no longer in my life and I still need to be reminded of the lesson and the practice of it.
I also learned to change feeling "stoopid" to feeling Human. ((((hugs))))
I so understand the need and the want to understand and the reality is this, you are never ever going to nail jello to a tree and that's exactly how I view alcoholism. There is absolutely no logic to the lies outside of the fact that it's addiction. I can continue to try and take that jello and nail it to the tree, it's just not going to happen it's literally beyond my control and even my comprehension. The only thing I can do is take care of myself.
Learning how to detach with love takes a tremendous amount of patience for yourself. The two best things I did for myself was I stopped taking the lying personally, he wasn't doing it "to" me. I'm not that special .. and I can laugh about that phrase now, a year ago, not so much. Seriously I'm not special in the lies, he lies it's part of his disease. He lies to everyone. Police, judge, lawyer, therapists, me, his mother, his brothers, his s mom, our children and the beat goes on. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.
I had to stop doing 2 things, 1 was asking questions I already knew the answers to because I only caused myself more pain than was necessary. I always ask myself before asking any question .. do I already know the answer to the question, if I do why do I need to ask it? 2 I had to stop taking it personally. QTIP - love that little ditty by the way, that's not to say I don't care it's just not about me, this is my A and his disease and yes it sucks. Sometimes it's easier said than done, I have to once again ask myself, is it him or is it me?
I know my truth (I know I keep saying that however it's so true), I know my perception of my own reality and I'm going to believe what I see not what he tells me I should be seeing.
It gets better as we work the program so keep trying and keep going to the meetings they make a huge difference. You are not alone, I can so make that a fact and a promise, no matter what you are not alone. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you both. Just having someone reply to my feelings directly makes me feel connected. While I am learning things at the F2F's and I have ordered the books, these boards feel like instant gratification for me and I appreciate that. I like the "nailing the jello to the tree" idea.
Ok, one more question. Scenario: I come home from work, he's drunk. He wants to watch our regular TV shows together. Do I simply watch (since i enjoy them, too) and act like I just don't notice him being drunk? Do I act like I don't care?
Well I live with an active alcoholic too, my A-fiance ... Heres a scenario from last night. He had to work 4-11pm. His work is right next to a liquor store. I went to say hi to him on a break on my way to my meeting. I could tell from that moment that he had already had a few to drink. I didn't say anything. I didn't react. I remained calm. I went to my meeting, knowing full well that because had already had a few, that he would get more. I didn't hear from him again. I went to pick him up at 11pm. He was drunk, but not in a black out. I didn't say anything other than "hello" and "how was your night" we got home, we went to bed. He was supposed to work this morning from 7am to 1pm. When we got up to get ready, I said "hey how are you?" he knew right then, that I knew that he had drank. I didn't shove it in his face or anything though. We got up. He called work to check on the times when they wanted him there, and they decided to have him come in tonight instead. So he made smoothies, got sick in the toilet from his hangover and then we talked on the couch. You see we can't talk to them about drinking when they are drunk. I make small talk and go on with my own thing. If he is sober like in the morning, I can say what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean about the night before. But then I let go of outcomes... There is a great story in courage to change about detachment. This lady said she finally got detachment with love when at first her husband would fall asleep drunk or fall out of bed drunk on to the floor. She would try to get him up to bed etc. ad nauseum. One night she found him on the floor and just left him there, because she was detaching from it. When she told the f2f meeting about it, they said, great you detached, but without love. So the next time she found him on the floor, she left him there but put a blanket over him. Thats detaching with love.... You can still talk to him, just keep it light and don't react, and remain calm....
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Don't forget, after your f2f meetings, you can ask people questions directly about whats going on.... and get phone numbers so you can get real time help.
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
NovSun, I just want to say that personally (and this is jus me, I know), I don't believe that anyone should be expected to "just take" unacceptable behavior or abuse under the blanket of detachment.
Verbal abuse is also abuse. It also leaves scars and can be soul killing.
I just want to go on record with this message. There is help available for those who want/need it.
Nov Sun, You sound like me at this point in time. I think we are at the same point in our learning and actions. Read what some people have said to my posts, I recieved some great advice and reading peoples responses here have helped me also as I have the same questions as you. In the last couple of days I have come to see that he really doesn't have the answers to the Why? questions I ask him. I listened to the things posted in your and my post replies and thought to myself, why am I asking questions I know the answer to... is this a quiz that I win a prize at the end? I kinda felt like a kid in the play ground after we find out Santa isn't real but the others still don't know. It just hurts both of us and we don't win in the end
I see it as a bit of a conditioned response, I ask if he has consumed he says no. I know he has, so my next question is always about justifying to myself like your questions, "well if you hadn't used WHY did you say such and such". Backed into a corner now aren't we. We are actually asking them to discover new ways to cover thier tracks aren't we. We are giving them a situation in which they have to find new lies. I know it will always be my fault in his opinion.
It is a sorry, hurtful, disappointing and infuriating (to me) fact. Addicts lie.
Read answers to my post, healthy detachment ideas. or something like that. People had great things to say on that one.
Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and support. I know I am not alone. He did leave the house to attend that group counseling session. I hope he really went. I hope he is learning something about himself too. I will practice my loving detachment. I just pray he can see that is what I am doing.
hugs to you all! I will be sure to post again tomorrow morning. Love, November Sunflower
