The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Now that I know what ESH means, that is what I am asking for.
My husband smokes pot when he goes fishing. A fact I accepted a while ago. Previously he asked me to go fishing with him and I said, not if you intend to smoke, no. If you wont' have a smoke, I will go, if you want to smoke, pick someone else. He picked someone else. I just wasn't in teh mood to go out with him at that point to that fishing place.
As a rule, I don't like fishing, but I like spending time with my husband.
Last week, he asked me if he wanted to go fishing, woudl I go with him. I thought it was lovely he would ask me and I said I probably would if he wasn't on the water for too long, a few hours and then I would have had enough. He agreed.
Iknew he woudl be smoking pot. I also thought I would be ok with that. I figured, I know he smokes pot when he is fishing, he has asked me to go fishing, ergo, I will be with him smoking pot. Ok, if I know it and I am ready for it I can prepare my mind for it.
The following day we had a row about his smoking (I posted it on here). The following day again, we had a discussion about the fishing trip and he was a bit upset and wasnt' sure if he wanted me to go wtih him now becasue he was going to have a smoke and I had said I didn' tlike it. He thought I was being hypocritical. (We talked about the fact that he knew I didn't like it prior to him asking me to go on the fishing trip, I think it was because of the recent incident)
I couldn't say he was wrong in his opinion. I looked at it as more of a compromise situation, and being with him no matter that he was smoking.
SSSSOOOOOO..... I have not mentioned it again. I'm not sure if I should say, so what is the decision about the fishing day? Do you want me to go or not? We will both be uncomfortable at first I think because it has been a point of contention.
I wouldn't mind going, it would give me a certain opportunity to practice my new found opinion and actions that I have discussed on this board.
I am a bit scared I am being manipulative if I force him to take me by saying I want to go with him. I am a bit scared of being hurt if he doesn't want me to go with him because he would prefer to smoke in peace. I am a bit scared I will fail my resolve and crack if I go and he smokes (which he will)
Any thoughts would be nice. I can check this board tomorrow and Saturday so I should be able to read what you guys say.
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 11th of August 2011 10:56:35 AM
When I am faced with decisions that I am unsure as to how I'll proceed, I often turn to some slogans that I have picked up in the rooms of Alanon. Two specifically come to mind,
"When in doubt, don't" and "Is it in my best interest"
I myself always put issues that baffle me in my powerless list and pray for guidance. If I make a choice to act or to do something, I do it for fun and for free, no strings attached because I am responsible for my attutide, actions, and inner being - in complete acceptance I made the choice.
There is no wrong answer here. I think it is a personal choice. Whether you choose to go today or make a game day decision is up to you.
You wrote that you don't like fishing, but you like to spend time with your husband. I can relate to that. My ex-AH loves to fish. I used to go out in the boat with him all the time; that was before I honored my feelings. I got honest with myself and owned up to how I felt about fish getting yanked out of their environment, only to end up in a frying pan. (I'm a vegetarian - but do respect meat eaters - it's a matter of personal choice)
You didn't say why you don't like fishing. How about if you and your husband find an activity that you both like? Let him go fishing with his pot if that is what he chooses to do. My ex-AH, who is in recovery, is back home with me. He is quite willing to do things we both like in order for us to have some quality time together. He hasn't started back up fishing because he knows that he drank while fishing. He is concerned about that. I listen to his concern; however, I suggest to him that he talk to one of his AA friends about it. In other words, I see that it's his challenge, not mine. Thanks Al-Anon.
By the way, I've been reading your posts and your growth is awesome to follow. Keep up the good work!
Take good care, Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Dear Linda, I tend to agree with tommecat that there is no wrong answer here (for you).
I think the more important issue here for you is to gain trust in yourself and the decision you do make. As I see it, an important aspect of this whole process is ultimately to trust your feelings and decisions.
HI guys thanks Its 6am here and I am sleepy eyed and still haven't had my coffee.... I came to this site first to see what you guys had to say. I intend to start a new topic this morning about yesterday and how the universe gave me an opportunity to practice.
Iunderstand it is my decision and gut feeling. I am happy to hear there is no right or wrong answer. I just thought there may be some sort of guidance that may have pointed me in the right direction. I don't know all the slogans but I DO KNOW THEY HELP ME HEAPS!!!!
On a lighter side, I dont' like fishing because of the poor fish, its such a cruel thing to do ... I am not vegetarian, but I don't go out the field and slaughter my own cow either... But thankfully for me, he doesn't catch anything... he is a terrible fisherman.
In five years, I have been fishing with him once on his boat. It is a tiny little 'tinnie' and in our waters lurks very large Crocodiles that like to kill things. (I live in the tropical North of Australia). So, it was more just a lovely gesture that he asked me and it was nice that he actually asked and wanted to spend time with me. I know I have the choice to say No, as I have said No before because of his smoking and the 5 foot reptiles with extemely large teethand a taste for humans.
I was just thinking to myslef, if I am trying to make changes around my attitude to it, and if you read my post regarding healthy detachment, I have been doing that in an unhealthy manner, so I saw this an an opportunity to practice doing it in a healthymanner, and take my book (ACoA book of course) and sit and read for a few hours, while he does what he does.
Perhaps I will not ask him anything today or say anything about it today. Perhaps I could just wait and see if he gives me any of the details about the trip (times etc) and if he assumes I am coming or not. If I don' tgo, theres lots of things on my Linda list that I can do. (Massage, visit a friend, read more, get on here, have a lunch out... heaps of things I do when he goes fishing) I have learnt NEVER do housework or anything responsible, when he is out fishing, drinking and smoking and having a great time. If he doesn't have clean clothes for work on Monday... that aint my issue.
