The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I gave my abf the break-up letter I wrote this morning. I know I did the right thing for my sanity. I could not go on riding the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for the past 3 and 1/2 years in this relationship. I feel calm and peaceful about my decision right now. In the past breaking up has felt like the right thing to do, but then about a month afterward I started to get lonely. I would being to fantasize about how wonderful the relationship was, not how depressing, stressful and tumultuous it actually was. Then the negative thought patterns and self-pity would start up and I would lose my resolve to stay away. I would go crawling back, begging for HIM to give ME another chance. This time I want things to be different. I started therapy today and I have been to one f2f meeting. I feel good about my decision to get healthy. I'm just scared something will happen and I will throw away all of the positive accomplishments I have made so far and end up back on the rollercoaster ride. How do I avoid getting sucked back in? How do I stay strong and focused?
Well I can give you my ESH. I broke up with my boyfriend/ex A and left him. I then was in touch with him again for many months in which I carried him financially. I kept talking about it and posting about it. Over time I got to see (I was not living with him at the time but seeing him a great deal) that the relationship was draining me. Nevertheless we had a lot of things to tie up. In the meantime the ex A went about destroying everything his finances, his health, his life in general. He had custody of our dogs. I was desperate to provide a home for our dogs and had few resources. I had a lot of support here to arrange to keep the dogs. A lot of people were heartless enough to suggest I get them put down! As though anyone wants to hear that!
In the midst of all the chaos, his health, his wrecking everything in sight, his constant chaos, I managed to get some serenity, some sense of not needing to rescue him day and night. When I got to the point of being able to make a complete break there were still many many loose ends, he had stuff in my storage....and more. I kept on tying up the loose ends. I then stopped taking his phone calls that was one of the hardest ones and very difficult to hold to.
So I would say the best way to "stick to anything" is to work a program as best you can. Keep sharing, reflecting and know no one is judging you, in there to tell you how to do it and wishes you the best whatever you do.
Your trying something different this time. Your taking the first step in your recovery, coming here, attending f2f meetings and putting the focus on you instead of the alcoholic in your life. What you have done in the past has not worked. By attending f2f meeting you will be able to look at your relationship with different eyes having the support of other members who understand what you are going through. It's time for you to take care of you, what's best for you, and only you can decide what that is. The Al-Anon program will give you the tools and support to make that decision.
Keep coming back and posting, and read prior post. You not alone in the disease anymore.
One day at a time. No need to conquer the world all in one day. I've found that when I make decisions that I tell myself are "forever," they are overwhelming and unmanageable. It's easier to make the decision for today, and then just keep doing the next right thing. When I wake up tomorrow, it will be TODAY again - and I can make the decision again then.
Since we don't give advice, jbunny, take my esh and do what you will with it and leave the rest. I too sought psychotherapy when I had had enough of my current husband's drinking, drugging and raging. I contributed to the chaos by raging myself, throwing his clothes, shoes, and belts down the stairs, calling the police (once), locking him out (several times). Texting and emailing hatefulness. Writing venomous messages in lipstick on his bathroom mirror. Ridiculous, insane behavior.
I also knew that something was wrong with me because I kept repeating the same pattern. Similar story. Different men. Some were active or dry alcoholics or drug addicts. Some were just too boring for me. Every one of them was smart, educated, and a good provider. Therapy revealed that I had a dependent personality disorder. You can be codependent without the DPD diagnosis but they share symptoms. That's a whole nother subject.
Anyway my therapist recommended AlAnon. So I went. Therapy ended successfully. I started maturing because as my therapist told me "maturity happens from birth to death and once you remove the impediment you will mature." Integrity arrived. I lost the desire to leave this marriage to attract yet another man who would become "host" to my previously parasitic emotional behavior. Prior to therapy I already would have divorced yet again or be having an affair.
Fast forward a year. I look forward to my weekly Alanon meetings now and rarely cry as I did in the beginning. I go on this priceless gift of a web site and read, learn, ask, write, work the steps. Finally I no longer ask my AH whether he's loaded? drunk? stoned? because from AlAnon I learned why ask a question and expect the truth from an addict. Lying is a symptom of addiction! So who's the idiot who's been asking the same stupid questions for almost TEN YEARS??? And hearing the same lies??? Why would a sane woman do that? For me it was because I was DPD, therapy took care of that piece of puzzle, and as addicted to the adrenalin, endorphins, fighting, breaking up, reuniting, chaotic roller coaster as my AH is to his substance. AlAnon is helping me with my addiction part. So who's sicker? My AH who's impaired or me who's behavior is insane without impairment?
Today is my sixth day of recovery. No questioning. No yelling. No meanness. No searching for contraband. Just kindness and love and letting him be and letting me be. I feel relieved and empowered and know that with the help of AlAnon, I can recover, ODAT (one day at a time). And guess what jbunny? So can you!
As we say in AlAnon, keep coming back, it works if you work it. Much love to you.
Face to face meetings and working with my lovely sponsor helped demonstrate to me how to detach with love. I myself threatened, left, and wanted to end it all only to be sucked back in again. It was a vicious cycle.
Alanon is a program of action. The only way I can coast in the program is down hill. When I took the small actions on a daily basis, going to meetings, calling my sponsor, reading the literature, and working the steps one day at a time, I became stronger. What I wanted and did not want in my life became clearer. I think that is a byproduct in building a relationship with a power greater than myself.
On my own, I am nothing. I can't solve my problems with the same problem mind that helped create them. Alanon helps me to break free from the vicious cycle through listening to other members share their E,S,& H. There is where the magic happened, and where discernment began.
Dear jbunny, here is a technique that helped me keep my resolve after a break-up.
Put a list of the very most destructive and painful things in your relationship with this person an an index card or piece of paper.
Keep the list close by at all times---I kept mine in my bra and also slept with it. Every time that selective recall started to weaken my resolve---I would read the list and rember what the bad times were like. A key is to do it in as much detail as possible.
Close your eyes and recall the exact scene--what did you/he say exactly---how did you feel---what were the sounds and smells in the environment--what were the after effects, etc.....(you get the picture). Do it as often as you need to.
This helped me keep my "self-respect" during very difficult and vulnerable times.
Hi Jbunny, I am in the same place as you, having separated this week from my AH. Not sure what our future holds, but we will live apart now and see...and I also tried many times to get him to go. Usually with red-faced anger and screaming. It was different this time, because I think we both knew we just kept repeating our old behaviors. Even though we are both in programs and trying and we love each other...it just wasn't working out.
It has helped me, like Otie said, to remember the brutal FACTS when I get emotional--and also write them out and stare at them.
I tell myself over and over again that I DESERVE better, I truly do--and I can make this change so I don't continue to suffer and rely on someone who is emotionally unavailable to me, because he is sick.
And, if he didn't leave, then my own inner turmoil would continue because I would be beating myself up, feeling like a doormat, and questioning myself. I know because I have done it over and over. This time, I really trust myself....I need this.
I hope you can go to F2F meetings--they really have kept me centered and last night I talked about the break-up w/o even crying. I was amazed to hear the strength in my voice because for the last weeks, I have been crying through meetings like I did back when I first came! I guess I knew this was coming...
You are not alone--congratulations for being here!!!
I would suggest keep going to Alanon and stay away from him long enough for the haze of the relationship to clear and for you to be able to logically assess the situation even more (though it sounds like you are doing good for now).
Thank you to everyone for your ESH. I was doing okay and then I panicked and allowed myself to get sucked back in. What I know is that I am miserable in this relationship whether he is drinking or not. When he is sober he is still a self-absorbed, selfish, controlling, abusive jerk. Even if he eliminates alcohol from his life I'm still not going to be happy with him because I want and deserve better. Now it is time to focus on my happiness and what I need to do in order for me to get healthy. I have been going to weekly f2f meetings which I intend to continue doing. My new therapist has helped me realize that I go back into this nightmare when I get lonely and feel scared of being alone. I need to work on recognizing, accepting, and coping with those feelings while not acting destructively by taking him back when they occur. I'm at the point now where I don't even care if he drinks anymore. I'm over everything; the fighting, the hurt, disappointment and the fear. I know I do not want to be with him.
