The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right well... I have read and read and read.. posted and read responses. Bought books and read and read. I have sat with my thoughts and feelings and tried to 'feel'.
Yesterday I made a few decisions, I don't know how long they will stay as commitments, I don't know if they will work, but I do know yesterday I felt light and happy for the first time in what feels like a long time, but in reality probably only about a year.
My decision, and wow, putting it out here in black and white feels a bit powerful at the moment, is.... (da dat dah daaaahhhhh) I will not check up on him today.
I will not go to his drawer where he keeps his pipe and pot and see if he has had a smoke today.
I will not ring him in the morning at home between his jobs, and try to hear if he sounds stoned today.
I will not look in his eyes in the afternoon and see if he has been stoned. I will not overanalyse every word he says .... today.....
Yesterday morning I sat on my bottom on the floor in front of his drawer and talked to it (who says I am not unwell!!!!). I said, I don't like you anymore. You are not being my friend. I don't like the control you have over me, I don't like the control you have over him. I don't want to talk to you anymore and I don't want to visit you everyday. If I want to have a control issue, it will be with me NOT talking toyou (remember this is an inanimate object here!!!)
Naturally it is not just one thing that I want to control, and there are two things I need to work on my attitude toward at the moment. One is the pot smoking, the other is a more personal matter of an intimate nature carried out on his behalf.
What he does when I am not at home is not my business (when it comes to those two things at this point in time).
I finished work early yesterday. Normally that would mean I have a good opportunity to check up on him. Weigh his stash see how much has been used etc. My mind naturally said, oh good, I have time.... then I remembered what I wasn't going to do today.
Instead, I put fuel in my car, got some flea tablets for the dog, bought a new battery for my motorbike, went to the post office (concert tickets arrived in teh mail, very exciting), I got home and put a washing in and then he got home.
I looked at his drawer as I walked past and said "not talking to you" (.. nutter!!!...)
I was sooooo happy with myself. I had a fantastic night.
This morning while he was at his first job, I woke up thinking.. ooh whats the time, I better get up and check his drawer. I check in the morning too especially if I didn't get the opportunity to look properly the day before. Then I remembered what I did yesterday.
I decided to do it again today. Man that was harder. No feeling of elation. Just massive anxiety (always worse in the morning for me). I took a deep breath and thought, "If I want soemthing to change, then something has to change" and "Its none of my business"
Instead, I read one of the ACoA books that came in the mail the other day. ( and took care of the 5 animals we have in our house currently, adn put another washing in and the dishes away etc etc.. normal morning for a women I guess hahaha)
I am happy to be at work and out of the temptation. My husband rang me just a minute ago and I found myself listening for the voice of stonedness, I asked what he had been up to, before I realised the words were out of my mouth (one of the two activities I don't like is what he could have been up to, I just asked to be lied to didn't I).
I immediately corrected my thought and said to him, "doing stuff hey" he said, Yeah but I am off to work now.
Phew. I feel a bit of relief that I can sit and instead of stewing on what I may have just been lied to about, I am on here typing how Day 2 is going for me. Harder than Day 1, and I hope harder than Day 45 will be!!!!!
I feel a little sick in my stomach and a bit light headed with the anxiety, but I know thats just because I have made some change and change is a bit scarey hey.
Good for you Linda. We call them baby steps. In your case it was a giant step. A pat on the back to you.
I've done the same things. Checked her car (backseat floorboard). I had to know how many beers she drank that day while she was driving. I'll repeat that......"I had to know". I cut my index finger wide oven digging though the kitchen trash late one night counting cans......"I had to know".
At my second f2f meeting someone used a slogan "How important is it". It was used in a different context, but it hit home with me. I looked down at the scar on my index finger and thought, "It's not that important".
They are going to do what they are going to do.....drink, smoke, lie,.....what was important was what was I going to do?
I listened to others in my meeting. I trusted and practiced the program to the best of my ability. I wanted what other members had. It took a while for it to sink into my head when I was told I needed to change because I wasn't the one with the problem. But over time I did make little changes. Changes that made my life better. I cut my finger almost five years ago....the scar is a constant reminder that I changed.
With practice it get easier. My guess is soon you will be able to walk by "that drawer" and not even speak to it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 11th of August 2011 12:59:58 AM
Yay!!!!! Good for you, Linda!!!! You're making changes quickly - it's very obvious that you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is so wonderful that you're taking one day at a time. No need to say that you're not checkin up ever again - that's too big a commitment, I think. So much easier to say, "I'm not checkin up TODAY," the way you did!
I love posts like this one - keep coming back and posting your progress, because it gives me encouragement and inspiration in my own recovery. ;)
Linda that is just awesome. Thanks for bringing it back here. I too have to keep working on not checking up on him... its hard, but it gets easier. Little by little... GLad you are here. Your progress helped me too :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks It feels good to make one step (not THE first step perse, but A first step) I still feel very anxious about it and am thinking... but now he has something over me... he is lying and I can't say that I know about it, can't even say that to myself. I tried this before and my self talk was, "I just have to try and trust him that he will tell me" In the last couple of days I have thought "I don't trust him to tell me, but does he have to?" "Is it any of my business if he is stoned at work?" (this forum helped me with this one)
He knows, that I know, that he lies. How many times do I have to confirm this to myself??? (someone on this forum helped me with that one)
I am trying this out and see how long it makes me feel ok. I must say I have to thank my Mother for taking me to Al Anon when I was 8 years old. For working this program for so many years. I read here and I remember so many things of what I heard back then. I used to be next to mother every waking moment she was around. I was very 'attached' to her. During adult conversations I was there reading a book or colouring in. My childs mind heard comments and the program and intererpreted them as a child does in a childish way. My childs mind saw the dry drunk and Mum saying one thing and then doing another in the privacy of our own home. I guess my child logic may have incorporated actions and the slogans incorrectly because I thought my Mum was always right. Until of course I became a teenager and then we know our parents know nothing at all hahaha.
Coming back as an Adult, hearing an adult interpretation of the slogans and the program is helping me become more congruent with the meanings and the applications.
If you read my Bio you can see I never incorporated the program into my own life. This forum has helped me more in 6 days, than a counsellor did in three months.
I know nothing is forever, and this is Day 2. I have not yet been challenged or considered my reactions when he smokes around me yet. This will come if not Friday night, it will definately come on Sunday when I KNOW he will have a smoke. I might think bout that later and see what you guys have to offer around that.
