scared - Al-Anon Family Group

kandikween · Member

scared

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

There are so many wise and wonderful people on MIP who have been where you are at and have lots of words of encouragement for you.

What I will share with you is the 3 C's you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you won't cure it. Apparently there are 2 more for the alateen program I'm sure someone else will throw in there. What your dad and mom are going through is not your fault, his disease and her reaction to the disease (which is coping with an unreasonable situation the best way she can I'm assuming sober).

The best thing you can do for you is find out what how to make yourself healthy, body, mind and spirit. So sorry you are dealing with your dad and seeing him like he is right now. I hope that things turn around for your family.

Hugs, P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Liz,

I too grew up in an alcoholic home with my father being a daily drinker. My dad was a different sort of drunk in that he would drink and pass out by 6 PM. His moods and dispositions were happy, he was often very pleasant to be around. It was my mother, the sober one, whose behavior was much like the behavior you described of your father. Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone who comes in contact with it.

What came to mind for me was the 3 c's: You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. What I have found is that alcoholism is a self identifiable disease. Only one alcoholic can idendify with another alcoholic. It is at that point in which they may seek help. The same was true for me, I had to identify with the program of Alanon to see if I could relate to it before I asked for help. I had to get into enough pain for me to recognize and experience the first step in Alanon. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

If you have not attended a face to face meeting of Alanon, I would highly encourage you to do so. For me I found that I stuffed a tremendous amount of pain (physical, emotional, and verbal abuse) and shame regarding what was happening in my home. My outsides were not matching up with my insides. I just could not keep up the facade anymore. Alanon was an appropriate place for me to find a sponsor and begin exploring the events of my life that shaped the person I am today.

This forum and online meetings are totally different from the experiences you will find in the face to face rooms of Alanon. There is a tremendous amount of love, support, and understanding for the difficulties you are experiencing. Sometimes it helped me to hear people directly sharing face to face exactly the problems I was having. It helped lighten my load.

Thank you so much for sharing today in such a profound way. Please stick around awhile and keep reading here. I am so glad you came and found the courage to tell your story. We are here for you in love and support.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

Mylife · Member

Your story is eerily similar to mine...I am older than you but am still living with my Mother who has been an alcoholic for most of my life. Her disease got progressively worse when my Father left her. To make a long story shorter, I moved out of the house about 12 years ago and didn't see her much, I had decided for my health I had to get out of that environment but she got even worse, drank all the time, didn't eat and slept...I noticed the bloating in her abdomen and her jaundice as well, but didn't do anything...I didn't know what to do. One day the inevitable happened and she had a very bad fall, my sister and her husband had decided to visit her and found her, they called the ambulance and she was taken to the emergency at the hospital. When we got there the nurse, and I will never forget this, told us she had cirrohisis of the liver and that she almost died. She then proceeded to scold us on letting this happen to our Mother...for which I immediately started blaming myself for leaving her alone. She was admitted and her withdrawl was the WORST thing I have ever experienced...she went through serious DT's and had all kinds of psychotic breaks..she was even put on anti-psychotic meds to help with this. It took almost a month for her to go through that and once she did she had completely forgotten how to walk and to function normally. She went through a month of physical therapy and was finally released from the hospital. For the next 12 years things have been amazing...I had a Mother, which I never had growing up, and she seemed happy. Well because of circumstances she has had to move into a condo which happens to be across the street from a wine store....we have been here for a year and until about 4 months ago I didn't even think I had anything to worry about...but now I know she is drinking again. It hurts me so much because of everything we went through...but she has the luxury of not remembering anything of her withdrawl because she was so out of it...but I remember everything. I have been freaking out because I know that she will die is she continues drinking...and I have told her this, but she continues to do it. I have decided that I am going to stop freaking out and live my life. It's very hard though for me becuase I have been looking after her all my life, and the thought of my Mother dying from something like this is destroying me...but I have realised that there is nothing I can do if she doesn't want to stop. I can't force her to stop..I can only encourage her to stop...it is a horrible thing and I feel so much for you. I know what it is like to be your age and living in an alcoholic home...it destroyed a lot of me...but I have survived and you will too. Please seek help go to meetings for Al-Anon and see if you have any ACOA meetings in your area...I haven't been to meeting at all and I am beginning to see their value...and believe that they are essential to our survival with A's...I am going to go to my first meeting soon! Keep coming to these boards, you will find a lot of people who have gone through, or are going through the same things as you and it is very helpful. God bless.

kandikween · Member

Thanks you guys, I wasnt really sure what to expect on the recovery, I know it's going to be crazy so i'm preparing for anything. I'm just praying that he doesnt relapse. I was thinking about attending meetings, but i'm going to try this out for awhile i'm liking this.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I neglected to mention a book that was so helpful to me from Alanon. It is called "From Survival to Recovery" It is about growing up in an alcoholic home. There are many contributing writers to the book so you get a variety of personal experiences. It can be purchased through the alanon website or through amazon.com. Perhaps you may find it interesting.

Best,

Tommye

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He sounds very, very ill. This was how I lost my dear bil. The liver is what helps part of the process of blood clotting. We just could not get him well enough for a transplant as he would just bleed to death.

As it was he started bleeding from every single poke he had in the hospital. He was delusional to being him again. I basically live up at OHSU in Portland Or for a month. Held him in my arms when he was at the end.

But then here is my ex AH who has done far more drugs and drinking who is now 59! He has hep C, cirrhosis, oral cancer and on and on! We just never know.

We take one day at a time. Remember your A's brain and all his organs, his whole body has been effected by this horrible disease. Just take things as they come with no expectations. I know it is so hard for you and yours.

Sending you love and strength. Debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kandikween...welcome to the MIP board...It's good you found us and better that you have shared your story with us. You have shared it very clearly and I get to see the picture clearly again from where I came from and thanks I need to be reminded that this is a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling...it doesn't make sense unless you know the disease and how the alcoholic is affected. Better still was knowing how I was affected and learning how to change that. I was born and raised within the disease...both sides of my family and sickness that could only be understood when I kept in mind that the family was under the influence of a mind and mood altering drug...the real people were gone the alcoholics and addicts were home.

I crawled thru the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups at the age of 37 and on this journey of recovery sponsored in the Alateen program. Alateen is part of Al-Anon and the same program. Doesn't matter you can attend any open group in your area that is available to you. Teens on Teens was magical to watch because for me it seemed that you young people seem to get it faster and work it faster also. It helped me tons.

All Al-Anon meetings I've been to have a literature table and often too that table contains Alateen literature. Call the Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and find out where we get together and when in your area...then go. You've already learned about being powerless over your Dad's progressively fatal disease, come join us and learn a whole lot more.

You are describing "late stage" alcoholism talking about your father's condition. Might want to call the local AA chapter to see if they have fellows who will go to where your dad is at and talk with him...It's called a 12th step and it is how AA got started. It could be the miracle. Yours in love and service (((((hugs))))) smile

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! And keep coming back here or face to face meetings. This is called the disease of alcoholism. It is at times devastating. There is alot of experience, strength, and hope for recovery in Alanon.

In support,
Nancy

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP and I am hoping you can make it to face to face Al-anon meetings in your area that is where I found a sponsor and serenity. It sounds like you found the right place. There are lots of great books you can read that will help you grow through your childhood and into your future. I want to suggest the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Perfect Daughters for Adult Daughters of Alcoholics" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. I am so glad you found us here and I am sending you love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.