The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am totally new here. And I have a problem maybe someone can help me with. My brother is 44 years old, an alcoholic who is in rehab for the 3rd or 4th time, has 9 DUI's, also eluding police, driving without registration and license many times, I guess 9, and is due to get out of rehab. in a couple months. I love my brother, but I can't stand this insanity. He wants to come stay with me for a couple weeks or a month or so when he gets out of rehab. I have let him do this twice before. Now, his son has had 3 DUI's and he is only 20 years old. My 32 year old daughter says she will move out while my brother is here if I let him stay here. She is a nurse and paramedic and feels like he may get in trouble again with the law, and she doesn't want to be associated with him doing this in her line of work, because the very people who help protect her while she is doing her job are the ones who would be chasing my brother down the road to stop him from drinking and driving, literally the same people. I am torn. He will be getting out in November. If I let him stay, is that enabling? If my daughter moves out for that time, I will be sick with sadness and regret. What do I do? How do I make sense out of this?
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 9th of August 2011 12:23:50 PM
Part of our insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting this time it will be different . You say your brother stayed with you twice before comming out of rehab . remember the greatest good for the greatest number... do the next right thing for you .
(((Anne01)) First of all, welcome to MIP. I'm glad you're here although sorry about the situation that brought you here. You have let your brother stay with you before and what have been the results? You admit you would be ¨sick with sadness and regret¨ if your daughter moved out due to her uncle moving in. I guess you have to ask yourself what do YOU WANT to do? If you truly don't want him to stay with you, it's OK to tell him so. You don't even have to explain yourself, as I've read many times on this board, ¨NO is a complete sentence. ¨ I'm sure others will be adding their ESH. Please know that it's OK to take care of yourself first and do what is right for you, whatever that may be. Know you are not alone, and keep coming back.
I hear your confusion and the love you have for your family. I do hope you find alanon face to face meetings in your community You can find the telephone number in the white pages of the directory.
Meetings gave me the support I needed to make t he night right choice. I was also given new tools to deal with this disease of alcoholism Your daughter might also like to attend.
It certainly sounds as if you have supported your brother in the past.There are sober houses available to people when they are discharged from rehab and Ii have heard they are powerful tools in recovery. It would not hurt to explore other living arrangements
His rehab will also be able to refer to recovery homes.
Keep coming here and posting. You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 8th of August 2011 09:44:00 PM
Hi Anne01. First, welcome. I'm new to this site also but not so new that I haven't already realized why miracles happen through 12 steps. You've come to the right place seeking support. My brother died recently due to COPD and alcoholism and at my weekly Alanon meeting I told the group how I had avoided seeing him through the years because I didn't want to be around his chronic drunkenness. All his adult life he had a cigarette in one hand and a beer or some other drink in the other. I didn't grow up in the same household with him because he lived with his mother and stepfather, not my mother and dad, who raised me and my younger brother. Anyway through the years I would visit my parents (his and my dad) and my mother when I knew he wouldn't be there for example. One of the group said to me that I had the right to make my choice just as he had the right to make his choice. That made sense to me and gave me some peace of mind. He made the choice to drink and I made the choice to avoid interacting with him because of that. Choosing not to provide for your brother doesn't mean you don't love him. It means you are establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and the other loved ones in your family, such as your daughter. Much love to you Anne01.
Aloha Annie and welcome to the board. This has always been a great subject for me during my journey in recovery. Early on I was told that enabling is what I do that I think is helping but the outcome is that matters get worse. Think, think, think, ponder, ponder, ponder...inventory my behavior with the addict, the alcoholic and the alcoholic/addict and into the thoughts and inventory my role in my family and with my friends and others and then I get it!! I always jump in when I think I'm needed most times without even asking and all the time without saying no. How come I never say no? How is it that I live my life for the addict, alcoholic and alcoholic/addict? Why is it that I am always fixing...people, places and things even to and including putting my self in harms way? Why do I do that? News Break!! my addiction is fixing at all times!!
So my early sponsor gives me one of my many memorable lessons on the difference between helping and enabling. He tells me; "If the other person has the time, ability and facility to get their needs met and I jump in an take over that's enabling. If the lack any one of those three things - and - they ask for help? that is a opportunity to help. I can choose to or not to. I can direct them to a source of help or many other alternatives." My alcoholic/addict stayed sick because I interfered between her and her real sources of help and she never asked me to do that. It was a choosen career by me. If your brother has the time, the ability, the facilities to get his needs met...stand back and let him do that. There are many many more facilities than your home and family. Before he hits the streets again he can search for and find sources of help starting with sources to get and stay sober. If his only disease is alcoholism than he can see, feel, think, move and put his hand out and talk..."Can you please help me" to others who are more able and set up to help him than you are. You've already agreed that you are powerless...might as well act it out.
Al-Anon will give you sooo much support and help with this problem. I suggest you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and call the hot line number to find out where and when we get together to support each other in recovery. You are not alone and there already is a chair waiting for you along with tons of literature and such. Welcome
By the way your brother already knows there's a problem and many reasons for family to say "no" to him. He's not dumb, he's alcoholic. ((((hugs))))
I just heard an AA speaker this past week talk about getting 9 DUI's. He shared in his story that he had dozens of family members and friends that he alienated as a result of his drinking. It was when he was living under a bridge homeless that he decided to reach out to one of his buddies from school to see if he was still sober in AA. When his friend saw him in the conditions he was living in, he cried.
I believe the point in his story was he truly was able to hit a bottom when there was no safety net for him to resort to. Every case is different though. What I would suggest from my own experience with recovery is what abbyl said, take care of yourself and do the next right thing for you.
It is so hard to stay on my own side of the street when we are talking about a family member. My family member is my AH. Things have started to change now that I'm not jumping in with all of the answers. I'm deferring back to him on things that need to happen. I have found that over the past year even I have made it so he doesn't have to carry any kind of responsibility and I was shouldering more than I should have. For the first 5 months of him not driving I drove him everywhere and it did not get me anything in return, not that I was doing it for something in return, however he wasn't even civil to me. At that point I decided I was worth more than how he was treating me and I was able to let him know it was time for him to drive himself. I do help on the days there is truly no one else to give him rides now I do it because I want to not because I feel it's a duty to do so. He has also decided that maybe what he was doing didn't workout for him so well and he's had a big change in attitude. The best thing I did for him (ironically) was start taking care of me.
I agree with your previous ESH stories that until we stop with the "helping" hand the addict is able to start dealing with their own issues.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is such a hard topic. From my experience, when my husband was in rehab, the hardest thing I had to do was meet with his doctor and him to discuss where he would go after. I couldn't even look at him beside me in hospital clothes--I was raging angry, full of resentment, and just sick of it...and all I could say through my tears was "I don't want him back in the house." Somehow that doctor talked me into it, and honestly--there wasn't much else. He had NO job, NO friends, and NO family other than me. It sucked and I felt TRAPPED. Fast forward through the roller coaster of hope and disappointment to now (8 months later) and he has relapsed over and over again, although he is trying and I truly believe he WANTS to get well. Now he is looking for his own apartment, because I feel like I am not helping him at all...he needs to own this recovery and I feel like an enabler. It sucks and is breaking my heart, but I do find myself constantly saying, "What if he just left back then, maybe he would be sober now....maybe not...?"
All I can do is stay in the moment and try not to project, but my gut feeling then was NOT to let him in, and often I regret not honoring those feelings I had. They were very real...
Thank you to all who answered my post. I wrote to my brother and told him no, he can't stay here this time, and it was hard. But, I think it has to be done this time. There are other things happening now that make it very difficult to take him in . Peace to all! Anne01
