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Confused and hurt again. My Afiance and I had a wonderful weekend. He went to the first private substance abuse counselor appt last Thursday. He said it helped. He will be attending group therapy 2 nights a week for 5 weeks. The counselor recommended an open AA meeting for Friday night.
Friday came and went and he chose not to attend the meeting. But he also didn't drink. He was sober from Thursday through Sunday. He always is on the weekends when we are together and we have a great time. He mentioned Sunday night that he was angry because I was making him go to an AA meeting on Monday (tonight). It's the same meeting we attended together last week and he got some phone numbers there. I told him "I am not making you do anything, it is your choice to go or not. But you did tell me last week that you needed AA, that the people in that room understood what you are going through." That was the end of the discussion.
Today while I was at work, he texted and we talked and everything seemed great. His words were clear, his texts didn't have spelling & grammatical errors (dead giveaway for him). We talked about what we were going to make for dinner.
I got home and he was nowhere to be found. No note, wet laundy in the wash machine. This is highly unusual for him. For the 18 months we've been living together, he is ALWAYS home when I get home from work.
I called him, it rang then went to voice mail. I texted "where are you?" with no reply. I waited about an hour and texted again "hello?". Finally he replied he was at dinner with an AA buddy and we're supposed to be working on ourselves.
I felt some relief (although I wasn't sure I believed him). If he was at dinner, maybe that guy encouraged him to go to that meeting tonight after all. It should be ending any time now.
I got myself a salad and when I threw away the container I noticed he had taken out the kitchen trash, but there was some liquid in the bottom of the new bag. I smelled it (I know, bad) and it was beer.
So, here is my question... it seems that my AF needs the alcohol in order to #1 feel like he needs AA and #2 to be in a group setting like that where he may have to talk in front of others. When he hasn't been drinking already, he doesn't read his AA book that I have seen. When he has been drinking he is engrossed in it, reading parts aloud to me, even.
Has anyone else experienced this type of behavior? And what do I say, if anything, when he comes home?
Well, I've certainly experienced a A drinking because A's drink - and then giving every reason in the book for doing so. The A's in my life have blamed drinking on having a bad day, celebrating a good day, because other people are, because of anxiety, and on and on - anything except the truth, which is the A is drinking because he or she is an A. For a long time, I looked for a reason that they do it. But I realized that looking for a reason is trying to make sense out of something that is not rational. I can't make sense out of insanity, no matter how hard I try. No matter how much I want to figure out why, the only answer is that A's drink because they are A's. Period.
If it were me, I would probably say nothing. My sponsor says that HP will reveal to me anything I need to know without me needing to go digging. If I ask if someone else drank, why would I expect them to be honest? Of course an A is going to say no, he didn't (or say he had "two" drinks - it's always two, isn't it?? :) ). If my AH was out and then came home, would it really change anything that had happened if I grilled him or got upset or yelled or cried and threw a tantrum? None of those things ever had any effect in the past. So continuing to do them when I know they don't work is my own insanity. Nothing changes if nothing changes...and since I can't change anyone else, the only change I have any control over is mine.
When I got busy, I got better. When I handed over the responsibility for my AH's program back to him, and stopped noting when he did and didn't go to meetings, and stopped asking questions, and focused instead on getting myself to my meetings, reading literature, and getting new friends in the program, I got better. Just my .02. Keep reminding yourself that A's drink and lie because they are A's. It's not personal, and he's not looking for ways to hurt you and make you feel bad. He's just doing what A's do.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Monday 8th of August 2011 08:19:08 PM
Thank you White Rabbit. I knew the right answer, I guess I just needed confirmation. Your words have probably made it possible for me to sleep tonight. Thanks.
I am not sure about the drinking in order to be in AA. Hmmm... probably just insecurities that go away when he drinks? I know how hard it is for me to go to meetings, I am having a panic attack the whole time, because I am so nervous to be there. But then I feel so much better afterwards. On what to say when he comes home? Well I am pretty sure if he is drunk, it would be better to not say anything til the morning when he is sober again. Then say what you mean and mean what you say but don't say it mean. When my fiance drinks and is drunk, the next morning I don't want to talk about his behavior. He asks me what he did, sometimes I tell him a bit, sometimes I don't. I hope you get the book Getting Them Sober. It has helped me so much in these situations. Keep coming, this program does work when we work it. Read here, read old posts on your topic. Go in the chat room... read a regular book, take a bath, when he comes in go to bed without a confrontation just for your own sanity. Take care of you! HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks, Youfoundme. I appreciate your response. I am exactly the same way when it comes to F2F meetings. I have only been to one and felt like throwing up the entire time. By the end, I just had a complete meltdown and was in tears and stomach in knots the whole way home. But I did feel some sense of relief. Relief that there are real people walking around in my town who are going through or have gone through exactly what I am.
I will order Getting them Sober tomorrow. Any other recommendations? Thanks again.
Well, if you don't have them already, the books from alanon that I read daily are: One day at a time in alanon, Courage to change, and As we understood.... I also read Getting them Sober and I call my sponsor. I go to a meeting when I can, but I call her or text her every day. She helps reset my thinking :) ANyway, also the other book that really really helped was the AA big book. I read it for free online. I googled it and found it. It helped me understand the disease thing so much better. I have the same disease. I am just obsessed with my A, not substances. Again, glad you are here :) Take care of you!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
The other book I really love, is Co Dependent No More M. Beattie. Great read and it has made a huge difference. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can relate to your frustration. Been there and done that! I have been married to my Ah for 36 yrs. I have seen him drunk, sober, and drunk again and again. It is truly a roller coaster. I could not have managed the chaos without the moral support of family, friends, and Alanon. When I did not know better, I argued with him for drinking excessively. Now, I understand the disease is cunning and progressive. It has no cure. Relapes are part of the disease. Lies and more lies are common. Some As even steal to support their habits. The list goes on and on. I attend open AA meetings weekly. It helps me understand the disease better. When my Ah comes home drunk, I dont engage in any conversation. Timing is everything! Keep coming back.
You have gotten some good responses. I especially agree with what White Rabbit shared with you.
I lived with my ex-AH for 36 years and have been divorced for a little over a year now. The last 26 years of our marriage was nuts! Or should say, I was as nuts as he was.
I've only been going to Al-Anon meetings for a little over 5 months and feel an enormous amount of relief. Listening to other share at meetings helped me realize that it doesn't matter why they drink - it won't change them. It won't stop them from drinking once we know the reason(s). All the things that I used to do to in the name of "helping" him to stop drinking I now see as futile. Not only futile, but quite detrimental to me, him and anyone I come into contact.
It is not easy to accept, but the only sensible thing you can do is to take care of yourself - to detach lovingly. You can learn how by attending meetings.
The first few meetings I attended, I pretty much disliked. I thought it was weird. I couldn't figure it out. But I kept going back because I had run out of options. I had tried everything else and was still miserable (divorce doesn't heal you). I was left with a lot of emotional baggage.
I know you felt uncomfortable at your first meeting. Many people experience similar feelings. However, I hope you go back and ride the waves a bit. Many newcomers do cry and that is perfectly understable. You'll never find a more understanding group of people than at a meeting. Even my 2 best friends can't comfort me like those at meetings.
Keep coming back. It can get better if you seek with an open mind.
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
When I got into the program my now sponsor told me it's not what my alcoholic wife does or doesn't do, but what are I am going to do. I admit my entire focus was on my alcoholic. I was one of those who when asked, "How are you doing?", might answer something like, " Well she drank a lot more this week than she did last week", or "We only got into one big disagreement this past week." My focus was always on my alcoholic and the effect the disease was having on me (us). I didn't have a clue about my needs. I only wanted her to change and I knew things would be better. Till this day my sponsor will smile and ask me, "How are "YOU" doing Rodney?" We laugh about it now.
Keeping the focus on me and not the alcoholic in my life was a change in me for the better. Over time my wife saw those changes. We never discussed them, but I knew and she knew without saying a word. Little changes like not reacting when I didn't agree with her choices, or when the disease was in control. Not allowing her drinking to effect my serenity or peace of mind. Detaching form the alcoholic and not the person who has a cunning, baffling, disease. No one would ever want to be an alcoholic, and no one who is not an alcoholic ever wakes up at 3:00 AM wondering if they are an alcoholic. Separating the person from the alcoholic. Changing my body language (Thank You Jerry F) by giving her my undivided attention, looking her in the eye with a pleasant look on my face when we were in conversation. My wife is still an active alcoholic but we are both happier and the only thing that has changed is me. The alternative to those changes had made my life unmanageable.
Keep going back to your f2f meetings. Walk up to one of the old timers after the meeting and simply tell them you really enjoyed the meeting and you are planning on coming back. You will find a new friend who will make you feel more than welcome. Ask her can you call her during the week when you need someone to talk to. The members in the rooms are family just as the members of MIP are family. Your on the right track...continue your recovery.
I tried to stay strong, but I did slip and mentioned the trash can with beer smell in it. He denied drinking (of course) and I just said "ok" and let it go. That is a HUGE difference from last week when I yelled & screamed and kicked him out. There was no drama.
He says he was at dinner with an AA buddy and then they went to a meeting and talked some more after. He got home after 10pm and was overly affectionate. He seemed to be sober, but who knows anymore. I want to believe that he is telling the truth. But now I feel like a cynic. I don't trust anything or anyone. I guess that's the part where I have to put my trust in my Higher Power. I also feel like I don't want to be oblivious to the things going on in my house.
We are powerless over alcohol, and alcohol has power over them... I can't control it, cause him to drink or cure his drinking... let go and let god... focus on you and try to get to meetings :) HUGS
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...