The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here, although my mom has been attending regular Al-Anon meetings for a while now. I'm here because my 18-year old sister (two years my junior) is a recovering alcoholic of two years. I'm currently home visiting my family in Chicago, as I live in New York City where I study and work.
I've got a couple of issues I need to air. They've been sitting so long with me that I get sick to my stomach every time I think of them. Essentially, I'm fully aware of my sister's illness. My parents keep me in the loop, to an extent. They tell me when she relapses, but usually spare me the specific details. In fact, she relapsed for the fourth or fifth time in six months last night, and my dad just told me.
As much as I love my sister, I'm finding it harder and harder to accept these relapses. I'm trying to understand that it's a part of the disease. I'm constantly telling myself that, but a sick, little part of me wants to shake her and tell her to get her act together. Before you tell me, let me tell you that I know that won't work. I understand that the trademark defensiveness will kick in, and aggressive confrontation is never the answer.
Not only is my sister an alcoholic, but she's been diagnosed with chronic anxiety and depression. She'll go through manic phases - one moment she's hyper, fun-loving, and hilarious. In an hour she'll be moody, confrontational, and looking for a fight. Last night, for instance, we had a really fun dinner with my parents, laughing and watching a baseball game on television. Approximately 20 minutes after the meal ended, she threw a tantrum when my mother asked her to wash the dishes and howled at me for borrowing her computer charger without asking.
I think I get it. The addiction on top of the mental disorders is not easy to live with. To an extent, I think I really believe it's not her fault. At the same time, however, I know my sister. She's smart. Too smart, sometimes. Occasionally, I fear that she's knowingly using her illness to her advantage, i.e., acting out and blaming it on her meds, etc.
I lost it with her last night. I screamed at her, called her names, completely lost control. I'm not proud. My mom always tells me to not engage, but I always take the bait! I guess I haven't had as much exposure to her episodes as my parents have, because I live in another city, so I tend to react more explosively to her behavior. I don't feel justified in MY reaction whatsoever, and I apologized almost immediately after. She apologized as well, and we actually went to bed on very good terms.
Then my dad tells me she relapsed last night. We don't keep alcohol in the house, and she's underage, so I don't know how she got it. I assume one of her friends who doesn't understand the severity of the disease brought her some. Basically, I'm torn. Part of me feels like maybe I triggered her addiction by losing my cool. I feel horrible, if that's the case. That said, part of me also thinks, how is she going to function in the real world if she resorts to drinking every time she gets in an argument with someone? She paints this picture of alcoholism as this condition of helplessness, and I guess I'm just sick of her being a victim of her disease.
Am I being cruel? Is there something I'm not getting here? Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
This is so not an easy thing for anyone to wrap their head around. If she's taking antidepressants and drinking on top of it. I know in my experience with my own A that is such a dangerous combination. Legitimately I don't know if he really even remembers 1/2 of what he did. During that time he blacked out more, drank more and I saw the change come over him. I know 100% it lowered his ability to deal with his impulse controls on everything, there was zero I mean zero moderation. He was up at 230am exercising for hours. Then it would be this mass manic high and he would go go go, then he would just drop by the end of the night. OR he wouldn't drop and just keep going going going. A couple of times I did bring up this happened or that happened and I do believe he thought I was making it up. Or at least he really wanted to pretend. Now he may have been "fun loving" and out going with people he didn't know, with myself and the kids he was just empty. I don't know because I never saw that side of him and I wasn't drinking with him at the bars.
It really boils down to a few things the first being the 3 C's - You did not cause the addiction, you are not going to control the addiction and you are not going to cure the addiction. We are totally powerless over someone else's addictions. I mean 100%+ powerless. You are not going to rationalize, beg, plead, contract, whatever you feel the need to do, it's not going to work. Addicts are not rational people and by the time that their disease affects us we are beyond rationalization as well.
It's not about perfection when dealing with anything in our lives it's really about progress. For a young man, you have your head on straight if you know how you acted didn't make you feel so good about yourself. I did not have your self awareness that you have at your age. You addressed your behavior immediately. That tells me you have really good maturity going on with what is your stuff and what is her stuff. The fact that she drank after your argument that has zero to do with you. That is the disease. You have no reason to feel guilty about her drinking, she made the decision (couldn't help it) to do drink. It is very hard to watch someone we love go down a self destructive path and choose to continue down it.
We've been talking a lot recently about not taking what an A does personally, and I think it is so important to know when I'm dealing with my addict that there are two different people inside there .. there is the one who is addicted, then there is the man I love. I know the man I love would never do the things if he were sober working a program. Right now he's not and I only need to be sure of my own truth, what I know about myself, what I know about the program. I can look at him when he's wanting to engage, and I know believe me I've seen the pattern, and walk out of the room. A year ago I could not do that, I took everything personally. The reality is his addiction has nothing to do with me. His addiction is not my responsibility. I can own what I am responsible for however he's an addict even should he choose to recover the only thing that will change is the fact he will be a recovering addict he will always be an addict.
Hugs and welcome, I hope you will keep coming back or come back as you need to, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I wanted to welcome you to MIP, I am so glad you are here. I do so hope you will stick around and get to know us awhile. We are not a glum lot.
The first thing that came into my mind was the 3 C's of alcoholism: You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. However, there is a 4th C that is not listed in the rooms of Alanon but can be found in our daily readers which is you can Contribute to it.
The face to face meetings of Alanon and working with a wonderful sponsor taught me how to detach with love from family members who still choose to drink today. The lovely kids in Alateen remind me that there is a 5th C which is they have learned to Cope with the disease.
I have discovered that there is trememdous power in being powerless over alcohol, step 1. I can no more prevent the alcoholic from drinking or knock sense into them than I am over stopping the waves in the ocean from crashing into the shore. What I know today is that I have choices. Specifically I ask myself am I part of the problem or am I part of the solution. Individually those choices are different for each and every one of us that have family members who struggle with their disease.
Part of the saving grace of the program for me has been the 5 G's which is in our daily reader, the ODAAT book, paraphrased as: Get off their back, Get out of their way, Get on with your life, Get to meetings, Give it to God. When I personally related to that concept I was ready to let more of the program into my life.
I do so hope you will continue to post here as you thoughtfully have today. We are here for you to support you in any way we can. Thank you for sharing.
First of all we are not powerful enough to make them start drinking and we are not powerful enough to make them stop. I think you can understand when it is said: "The disease makes us say and do things we would never say and do". Last night was a perfect example. We become as crazy as the alcoholic in our lives without even realizing. Yes, you lost it last night, why?, because you are only human. In the opening of all Al-Anon meeting it states "Without help it's to much for most of us."
Your Mother is in the program which is great. It seems she realizes and practices Step One of our program, "We are powerless over alcohol, and out lives have become unmanageable." Your Sister is consumed by a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease of which there is no known cure. Until "she"decides she needs and seeks help nothing will change, because alcoholism is a progressive disease that continues to only get worse. That's the bad news Jake.
The good news you can seek the help from the effect the disease has had on you. It can be found in the same rooms your Mother found help and recovery......in the rooms of Al-Anon. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and in the long run your Sister. The program will give you the tools to make your life better even if your Sister does not choose recovery.
My wife is my alcoholic, an active alcoholic, and yes I have done exactly what you did last night feeling justified at the time. The next day I felt remorseful, guilty, and blamed myself. It wasn't fair to either of us, and didn't accomplish one single thing....only made my life more unmanageagle. With the program I have been able to seperate the disease form the person. My wife doesn't want to be an alcoholic....she only has a disease. I have no control over her or the disease....only over me. I have acceptance of that fact. The program allows me that acceptance. Nothing I ever did are tried changed the fact that I am powerless over someone else's drinking. With that acceptance, and working the program to the best of my ability my life got better..........I quit doing the same things over and over and getting the same results.........what I had when I started.
Find a meeting for yourself when you return home or better yet attend one with your Mother before you return home. Start your recovery.
In Support,
RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 8th of August 2011 04:58:53 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 9th of August 2011 03:50:03 PM
Aloha Jake and welcome to the board also. RLC's response had some great suggestions. Your Mom's in Al-Anon...Ask her about her experiences in Al-Anon. Go find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and find the places and times we get together in your town and come understand what we have come to understand. Al-Anon is in over 131 countries on this planet and has over 25000 registered meetings so what you're going thru you're not going thru alone.
Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body and can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. If not arrested the "progressive" phases of the disease evolve into "insanity" (relate?) and death. Alcoholism is a fatal disease.
It affects everyone it come into contact with. (relate?)
It is progressive also in that if the alcoholic were to have any time in sobriety and return to drinking often time that will be worse. That is mostly referred to relapse. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions (relate?). If the alcoholic attempts to get alcohol free the attempt is often painful body, mind and emotions and spirit. Withdrawals from alcohol affect all of those levels and where many addicted alcoholics desire to be alcohol free and free of the pain of drinking, the pain of not drinking is often worse. (relate?) The disease owns her and then owns you. The program of Al-Anon will help you a ton...talk to and listen to your mom. (Isn't that an old suggestion?)
Alcohol is a chemical depressant. Look it up in classes of drugs. It is supposed to depress the system after an initial high but always continuous depression because that is what it does...each time, every time. It never never stops doing that.
RLC says that there is nothing you can do to cause her to drink (relapse) or stop her from it (recover). When the pain of drinking becomes greater than the pain of not drinking she will seek help...and what works is if...she seeks help from another recovering alcohol she trusts and relates to. That won't be you or your Mom or Pops. She will need the help of a Power Greater than yourself and all of you collectively...you can pray that that happens sooner than later. She's very young and the diseases takes down the young woman in sickening ways.
Go to Open Al-Anon meetings. If your mom hasn't mentioned the 3cees to you yet ask her what it means and listen, learn and practice the belief. There is a chair waiting for you at any AFG meeting you go to...so come on in.
Welcome to the board...there are some masters of recovery here that have skills that can save a person's life.
Indeed there are some masters of recovery here. I am new and have been in the depths of despair. But for the grace of my HP and help from people in this chat room, I don't know where I would be right now. It is through the help I have been getting here that I have a measure of sanity.
am I not getting something here? this is truly a , disease and at the moment it is running her life ,she is very young and probably thinks like most young people she is bullet proof and can beat this on her own . until she sees that she cannot control this the slips will continue .. As to her moods and tantrums regardless of what is causing them they are unexceptable , not reacting takes time and alot of effort on your part ,walk away do not engage in stupid go nowhere arguments . arguments are a way to get the focus off of her and onto other things .. old trick. For your sake please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support and understanding from people who know exactly where your at . lots of meetings in NY. call 1-888-4alanon for a meeting near you .And no your not the reason she relapsed , your not powerful enough to make anyone drink OR stop. Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 8th of August 2011 08:47:45 PM
Hi and welcome here! keep coming, keep posting, try some alanon face to face meetings for you, and remember it is a disease and they don't choose to do it. Its a compulsion of the mind and they need a spiritual program to help them stop... AA works for them alanon works for us :) HUGS! Keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
When my AH was going in and out of the program, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to tell him - scared I'd stress him out and he'd drink. I told my sponsor, who said, "Okay ... you know you can't stop him from drinking. Nothing you do will ever stop him from drinking. But you also can't make him drink. Nothing you ever do will make him drink."
I believed I couldn't stop him. I didn't understand that my actions couldn't cause him to drink, though. I thought I had way more power than I actually did. As it turns out, his addiction had nothing to do with me, and wasn't going to either get better or worse depending on anything I did.
Hugs to you, I know that what you're going through is so hard. Keep coming back - relapses (both theirs and ours) are part of the program.
Boy can I relate to your post. My older sister has mental illness, but no alcoholism/drug addiction, which one psych said was a miracle. However, she was bipolar with rapid cycling, ocd, and psychotic features. As you know, growing up around that was not fun! It was like she was always sucking all the air out of the room. Because I was her sibling, I think she was nicer to me, which in some ways made it more confusing because I could love her, but then feel so horrible when she acted out.
It sounds to me like your mom is on the right track, that's really great. My parents let my sister walk all over them. Which is understandable, since they were in so much pain over my sister, but it was such a destructive tack. And once somebody reaches 18, they are a legal adult and cannot be forced into therapy anyway [ unless it's court ordered I suppose! ]
Alcoholic or not, it is your sister's responsibility to seek help for her mental problems. My sister wouldn't, and blamed all her problems on our parents. It wasn't until I left home and met other people with mental illnesses - sometimes severely bipolar - who were owning their situation and doing the best they could to help themselves. What an amazing difference that makes!! It was a real eye opener.
One thing I found helpful with my sister, which is true for alcoholism too of course, was detachment. I filled myself with many hobbies and friends and activities. Though I took it a little far sometimes! I was never home. The plus side was I built a strong identity that was detached from the family problems.
Another thing that really helped me with my sister was to only engage with her on 'safe' topics, as others would set her off. Animals and pets was one topic, for example. This way I could still talk to her and share some moments together. When she acted out I would leave. My parents eventually understood, and it sounds like yours do already.
fyi I'm 40 now, eventually I dropped contact with my sister, but all of the above helped me a lot. Living with a mentally ill sibling is difficult and as the 'good' kid it's easy to fall in the cracks. Be gentle with yourself as I'm sure you've had years of tension. In my case I kept everything bottled up, not the greatest idea! We're all human and slips now and then just happen. In addition it might be useful to see a counselor for yourself. Like alcoholism, with mental illness, you didn't create it and can't cure it. None of us here want to repeat our old patterns, and while I detached from my sister, here I am in a repetition scenario with my boyfriend! So I'm really glad for you to hear you're working on yourself now :)
There is a book called 'Mad House', by Clea Simon, which is about growing up with two mentally ill siblings. No advice in there, but it was a huuuuuuuge relief to me to know that my swirly feelings were normal! And I think that siblings of the mentally ill are just starting to be studied, so there could be some more good reading out there.
I don't think you were cruel at all, Jake. It is hard not to get worked up when you see someone you care about act in a manner that is destructive to themselves and others. I admire you for apologizing to your sister right away...that takes alot. Alcoholism is a hard disease to understand because I don't think it is always black/white. You don't want to think that your sister is using a disease to her advantage, but it is hard to tell. I don't think you are being horrible at all. The only thing you are guilty of is being concerned and wanting help for your sister. Take care!
