The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling very, very "off" this morning. So much happening that I feel I can hardly begin to sort through. I know I don't have to do my work all at once, that's not what I'm after - but something is blocking me in the immediate sense.
Yes, I have a headache, I think due to allergies. Yes, I'm tired, from a long and hot weekend. But isn't everyone? Yes, we have a lot going on - husband newly in recovery, toddler to raise, husband unemployed, etc. But, this isn't news...?
I started reading an Adult Child book, and now that is all I want to do. A great deal of what they say applies to me directly. The parts that I feel don't apply I'm at least trying to be aware of. My "adult child" childhood/adolescence has been awakened in the last 3-5 months, in a very abrupt manner. Mostly surrounding my husband and I separating briefly, and then his inpatient treatment - and, especially, the craziness in his recovery now! That's not to say I wasn't aware of my life's issues before. In fact, I have done a great deal of work, which has helped me be able to feel connected to life and myself. To have hopes and goals. I try not to "dream" too much, because it has proven to be unproductive, even a bit dangerous for me.
The immediate problem: I am "unavailable" at work - unfocused, unmotivated (not because I want to be), very much lacking energy. I can't seem to find the right words to convey my thoughts, and am having trouble planning. My job right now is a Fellowship in a field I (think) I'm interested in, and am not very experienced in (hence the fellowship part). So why don't I have any ideas on the subjects? Why am I always feeling anxious, as though I have nothing to offer? As though my thoughts and input have no value? Why do I feel like I am less than human?
Am I the only one who feels this way? I just want it to stop. I just want to get up in the morning and feel some purpose and motivation to try this new thing. All I can think about is sitting in a counselor's office working through my issues, and then being with my daughter.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
So glad you are back!! :) Sometimes it gets darker before the skies get brighter. That's ok because the skies will get brighter it just takes a little time. I hear in your post that you are on the verge of a big aha moment.
I can't remember if you have made it to a meeting or not, it does help refocus me. Someone shared that another person called it their "detachment fuel" I love that analogy because I call it my grounding fuel.
The only thing I can really suggest is to take a look as to how you are feeling when those thoughts pop in your head and use an alanon slogan. HALT and Easy does it comes to mind and when negative thoughts pop into your head let go and let God. The more you declutter your head with misc, negative thoughts I think the more things open up. I certainly don't see you as what you have described yourself as based upon your posts. Good grief, mother, wife, dealing with another person's illness as well as your own, career working outside the home, having a home to run, how are you less than human? How in the world are you unworthy? How can you have nothing to offer? I don't see that at all. None of us are super human, well all of us are super people .. lol. :) We only have so much to give to the outside world if we don't address our own needs.
What have you done for yourself to recharge your batteries lately?? What does give you joy? What can you do within the time that you have that makes you feel good about who you are?? If you are constantly stressing that survival mode is the pits. I'm having to find things that I like to do that remind me I'm a worthwhile person. I read, go to meetings, take the kids to the library which I love to do, whatever it is it gives me pleasure. I don't know sometimes it's just walking around the garden in our yard pulling weeds. It gives me simple pleasure to do so. I hunt for the tomato worms .. lol. Which I'm entitled to feel, I have had to remind myself that denying myself simple pleasures is in no way a benefit to anyone least of all myself.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks Pushka. Those are really helpful reminders.
Just some info: I have gone to meetings - I aim for 2-3/week. It's only been harder in the last month as we are staying 30 mins from home at my in-laws mostly due to weather and house technicalities to deal with. It makes travel and baby arrangements both better and a little more challenging. So I have tried to do more reading, talking with alanon folks, and using this messageboard.
You make a really good point: What do I do that makes me feel good about myself? Lately just alanon things. I think I just don't feel connected, universally and spiritually. It seems like most times that I attempt to journal, or meditate, I have an interruption - I know everyone does :). It's sort of like I don't feel grounded (to use a word you described). When I previously did my internal "work," I feel like I had more people, places, and things to keep me centered. I really don't know where that's gone! I know that my husband being laid off and dealing with his illness has redirected my life in a way that saps my creative life energy. I cannot make financial decisions for him, and I don't understand what is happening financially to us. He keeps taking out more lines of credit to pay for bills, mortgage (whatever I cannot cover), and seems to have little concept of budgeting (even when I suggest and work on this myself). He sends out resumes constantly, but I feel some degree of sabotoge at times - trying to detach, though my family's well being is somewhat at stake. Actually, the more I write, the more it makes sense that I feel, well, LOST.
Thanks for what you said regarding the "unworthiness" stuff. It has been a lifelong battle - part of the ACoA issues. On top of it, I have to deal with the financial and psychological ruin of my bipolar mother, after the death of my alcoholic father 11 years ago - she's only recently now on disability and might be able to find a place to live. I think I am panicking at the thought of this all being my life, for the rest of my life - the concept of "time for me" or even "me" at all seeming to slowly disappear. I don't want that! I miss ME, very much.
Is it normal for a person to want to feel "taken care of" in some senses? If that is a codependent thing, I will work on ridding myself of it - as I know I need to take care of myself first. But I find myself longing for a partnership, not a relationship where it's either me taking care of everyone, or every man for himself.
KLotus
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Dear Klotus, my heart goes out to you and I can relate to certain elements of your situation even though I haven't had your exact situation. I have been overwhelmed, facing enormous change, felt alone with the burdens on my back alone, sick relative to worry about, etc....in addition to young children to have to respond to, etc....
I agree with Pushka, I feel that you are on the verge of large changes. It would also be obvious to ANYONE that you are overextended. After long periods of unrelenting stress, the body feels just BONE-TIRED. Some people have referred to this as adrenal exhaustion. I have seen it many times.
About your question of wanting to "be taken care of" . I feel that this is a normal feeling--especially in your situation. You immediately jump to the conclusion that this is some pathological co-dependency "symptom". I say: Hold off on the self-criticism in this respect.
I know (as a human being myself) that we all crave close, safe, nurturing intimate connections with some other humans. We are built that way, and, you are no different. Dr. Phil made popular the phrase "Our soft place to fall" . I love that phrase.
I believe your desire to focus on working on the dynamics of your self (and being with your daughter) is your inner voice trying to tell you something--something HEALTHY. Listen to that voice is my suggestion and don't beat yourself up for it. I think your inner self is in survival/protection mode right now.
Klotus, I am so bold as to say these things as a result of my collective life experience and observation of others in your situation.
I think we all want and need that soft place to feel that we go if things get to be to tough. The reality is we can't stay there, it's a temporary place not a place to where anyone should live. I think that is a Co Dependent thing. (that's my opinion I don't know).
I broke my ankle two years ago, it was not pretty. I was laid up for 12 weeks, I couldn't drive for 8 weeks. So everything fell to my AH. It would have been nice to know everything was being taken care of come to find out that it wasn't and it took about 2 months to get out from under the bills and so on. I hadn't gotten to Alanon at the time, however it was the start of me knowing things had to change. This couldn't happen again. Like it or not we had to be on the same page.
There is a difference in a partnership where one person is the partner and the other is out for themselves. I don't view me working alanon as every man for themselves. I view it as allotting the appropriate responsibility to be placed with each person. What's mine, what's his and then what's ours. There are some things he may never accept or understand and I have to know we will keep going down a specific path. I can't just say oh never mind the kids will get home somehow. LOL .. there are some things I have to say ok I know I have to take care of this part of things. Even though it's an our responsibility. it's not possible he doesn't drive right now.
I grew up in a house where my mom was ultra controlling and then sent an extremely mixed message to me about being a child. She wanted to control what I did and didn't do (don't do this you'll make a mess) however if I didn't do what she thought I should, the way SHE would do it, and know how to do then oh boy it was on. She raged, how could I not know? Never mind I had never done something before. That was the same message that was sent about growing up, sure you can mix drinks at an adult party at the age of 8, I don't have a sitter come with me, be my equal, she wanted me to meet her emotional needs of being her friend. Then she wanted to parent when it was convenient for her. Lay down rules that she never followed through on and then wonder why I did what I wanted to do. As a child that wasn't my job to do, now as an adult I shrink from going there with her. I don't trust her emotionally at all. She is constantly saying now she wants someone to take care of her. That sends me running out the door like my hair is on fire .. lol. That kind of taking care of is not a healthy place to be or at least for me.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I too am an ACoA Yes I can relate so much to what other ACoA's have to say. I have only recently discovered this fact. I too feel like a lesser person most of the time and find mornings to be the hardest I just hate waking up to who I am .... what I am ... and wonder why I bother waking up at all I can't help because I am just beginning this journey, but I can say.. I am hearing ya I don't know exactly what did this to us, I dont' know why we were chosen to have this happen to us, I don't know why it has effected every aspect of my life every day of my life, but I know I hate it. Like you, I am hoping to find help here, and I know I have so far in the past few days.
I just wanted to say HUGS! You are not alone! Keep coming, keep posting here and keep reading and going to meetings. It does get better. Most mornings, I wake up and I can choose to be happy or not. I start my day over, every day. I don't have to be miserable. I can fake it til I make it. This is coming from another AcoA. And I am a person with major depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I have PTSD. I had childhood trauma. In the mean time, I have to work at myself every day. I am so glad you are here posting! It works when you work it, and you are worth it! HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Even though it may feel like you're going crazy, don't be afraid to feel your feelings. (One of the very first things I learned in ACoA is that if you bury it alive, it'll come back to haunt you!) Every single one of them is a normal part of the process, including wanting to be taken care of for a while. When you've given out as much as you obviously have for as long as you have, it's totally okay to want someone else to be in charge for a while so you can take a break. Wanting to focus on your recovery and work through your issues is also perfectly normal. When I first got into ACoA, recovery was my life for the first two years. I went to every meeting I could, read every book I could get my hands on, and journaled prolifically about every memory and issue that presented itself. At least for me, the beginning was the hardest part because as soon as I opened the door to recovery, YEARS of things that needed healing came flooding through that door! So it's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed, disconnected from what's going on around you, and in need of some down time. It'll get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better!
You really do need to take care of yourself. Like someone else mentioned, it sounds like you might be very close to burning out your adrenal glands. That's bad enough in itself, but it also compromises your immune system, which makes you more susceptible to everything you get exposed to. It happened to me several years ago, and it wasn't fun to go through! I've come close to it again a couple of times since then, but after going through it once, I recognize it, so I intentionally pull back and give myself some rest. We all need healthy boundaries that'll keep us from getting to that point.
Keep coming back! We're here for you.
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Thanks for your posting. It takes a lot to share so honestly and this discussion is really helpful for me too. I agree with what's been said here and I have felt many of those things in my own situation. I definitely spent months at work that were pretty unproductive because I just couldn't focus and my brain couldn't function like normal. I was under too much stress and overwhelmed, lots of grief and confusion. I think it's helpful to accept those things and not fight it or beat yourself up over it and know that it takes time. I have really tried to watch all these areas for myself - sleep, diet, water, vitamins, exercise, time alone and time with friends, etc. and have also added counseling and massage. If possible, you might want to take little time off to rest yourself, even just a day to sleep and do something nice for yourself can be so helpful.
I am a relative newbie, but your post reminds me so much of myself. One thing my sponsor suggested is working for me. I honestly thought she was crazy at first. I couldn't possibly see how it would help me. I felt like she was brushing me off and I also felt like she didn't think what I was feeling was worthwhile. However, I DID discover what she suggested DOES WORK. ' WHen I begin to experience some of the feelings such as you describe, she suggested I pick up the phone and call someone (preferably from our al anon program) and ask them how their day is going. AND ......the important part.....DO NOT talk about how terrible I am feeling! (Gosh, I thought it was the craziest thing, AND.....IT WORKS)
Yes, the first call or two was weird because I was not used to doing this. It works. Maybe it might work for you too.
Yes, there may be times when you need to share things with a sponsor or your counselor, but in between times, I have found this technique very helpful. It even makes me laugh at myself which I desperately needed to do.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Karen
-- Edited by hiflying1 on Tuesday 9th of August 2011 09:40:08 PM
