The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all.I'm new to the board and am here because my AH suggested it! I know that sounds strange,but he really has been trying to get better lately.He had an extremely difficult life before we were together( abusive father,failed relationships,drug addictions,death of his daughter etc).I believe he really and truly wants to get healthy and live his best life but in the intrum it is hard on both of us.He is not nasty or abusive in anyway.Occasionally he can be "sulky" if he doesn't get his way and that I find annoying and frustrating.Not only does he drink he also regularly smokes pot and is an occasional coke user.These 2 addictions have subsided over the years but recently the coke has been around much too much for my liking.I'm afrad he is starting to fall in to an old pattern I've seen before.We had a talk tonight and he says that I don't use the power I have over him enough,he claims that I can change his mind about drinking with movies,junk food and treats.Now I don't mean to sound whiny but he is a grown man with a mind of his own why do I have to have all this resonsibilty fall on my shoulders?? I'm starting to feel more like his mother than his wife.We would like to start a family but I can not see bringing a child into this situation,it would be infinitely wrong.I guess I just need to find something...anything to help guide us in the right direction.Am I looking at this situation wrong or is he expecting too much from me.
I'm sorry if this post is a little long and all over the place,I'm just very confused and I needed to jump in head long and talk.Thank you for listening any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I'm a little confused by your post, he's telling you that "you have power over him"? You don't. The only power you have is over you and your own healing. You don't have to make decisions for him.
3 C's - you did not cause his addiction, you cannot control his addiction and you will not cure it.
None of us have that kind of power.
Please stick around read posts, share, most of all go to a face to face meeting and find out that you are not alone in the world of dealing with addiction and being the sober party to it. I'm going to take a big reach and say he's not in his own recovery program to suggest you have any control over what he does or doesn't do as far as his own recovery. This about you and your own recovery.
Hugs again and please keep coming back, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you Pushka.I,too don't believe that I have any "power" over him.I feel it's a convient tactic to place the burden on me.I don't even think he realizes that yet.No,you are 100% right he is not in a recovery program right now.Although he did do a 30 day program years ago and continued with AA meetings for 2 years (this was before we got together).I tried to stay positive and remind myself of how much better things are now than when we first got together 14 years ago but it all seems so slow.I'm concerned about his health and well being. Thank you for your support,I have a feeling I'm going to be here quite often :) Oh and unfortunately a F2F meeting is impossible because of where I live there are no in my area in english :(
Like I said please keep coming back, there are wonderful books available there are meetings here online 2x a day. Some of the books that come to mind are Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew and Co Dependent No More, M. Beattie. CDNM really helped me a lot in the last month, it helped me see where my responsibilities are, where my boundaries are and how to better communicate with everyone in my life. I'm working on Getting Them Sober, I've heard others say it really helped them as well. On amazon.com you can find daily readers we are talking about too, Courage to Change, One Day at a Time and Hope for Today (that one is geared for people who grew up with addiction in their life). They both help me focus.
Most of all whatever you do, please keep coming back. You are not alone. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I will look the books up that you have suggested.The funniest part of this whole situation is that I never would have thought of Al Anon without my husbands suggestion.I feel in my heart that he is ready to make a change but is faltering and I think he sees that I need help dealing.Maybe with both of us getting healthy on our own things will get better :)
clever little devils arent they > You have the power to make him change , thats a new one to me but a great way to make YOU responsible for his drinking and using . I truly hope you dont buy into this insanity . Find meetings for yourself you need support . Louise
I've heard that one before, along with " You don't help me, you don't make things any better, and you don't remind me". I'm glad you have already realized this is NOT your responsiblity! He will continue using that to control you since that is what he has control over and not his addiction.
We have meetings on here two times aday. On the top left had side you will see a link taking you to the chat room and the times for the meetings. Keep coming!!
Thanks you all so much for welcoming me and making me feel a little less alone.I will definitely check out the meetings on here.Is it possible to just observe at first and not share?e was actually very proud that I found this site online and am connecting with people in the same situation as me.I hope he will find the strength to continue to fight.He really has been trying really hard recently.For a man who never took a day off from drinking he has slowly made his way to 2-3 nights a week :)
I am so glad you found us. Stick around for awhile, read the boards, perhaps you will find comfort and peace while you discover more about us. We are glad you are here. Mostly, that you had the courage to introduce yourself. Welcome, welcome, welcome!
I hope to find some solice here and maybe some tools to help me deal better.BTW I love your name I'm also a huge cat lover!!