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I am trying to use my alanon tools in all my affairs. As I get healtier I see that a business I have with a friend doing photography for weddings is just not in my favor and she doesn't seem to want to listen to me when I talk. Things that bother me are just minimized and she has kind of become my boss even though the business was mine to begin with and I invited her to do it with me, I taught her about using the camera and the ins and outs of weddings. At one time I was sick and I told her I didn't want to do it anymore, but really I didn't tell her the truth, I told her I just didn't want to do it. I really just didn't want to work with her anymore and I want to run my business my way. We disagree on a lot of issues and she takes over things and makes me feel as if I am not even at an event. I don't know how to tell her in a kind way "say what I mean, mean what I say but don't say it mean" kind of way. We don't have a partnership, or any kind of business agreement. We have a website with joint photos in galleries, and a business name that I thought of, but I am not afraid stop using, if she will stop using it too. I am sad because she seems to have a hoity toity way about her now, talking to me as if she is my boss and it was supposed to be a partnership. I allowed this to go on and now I see it for what it is. I see my part in it, that I always let people walk all over me and do what they want so they get what they want and I get hurt. I know I do this. I also know its not suggested to make a major life change when first in recovery, but this is something that has bothered me for the last year and now that I have been in alanon for almost a year (off and on) and I have a sponsor, I want out.
I just don't know how to say it kindly without backing down or allowing her to dominate the converstation (she is a control freak and does not like to listen to me, she minimizes everything I say.)
How do I apply the alanon principles to this situation? What do you guys think? I am in talks with my sponsor about this too, and its too late now, but she said a business agreement/partnership is always the way to go. My business partner doesn't want to sign any kind of agreement right now, I asked her. She said she doesn't think we need one. :(
Any imput?
Thanks,
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Partnerships can be tricky. I agree that going forward, you would want legal counsel to put things in writing so that there is a clear understanding between both parties.
If you want to continue with your partner and want to have an agreement, it is not too late. I hear that she doesn't want one, but you do. Are you asking her firmly? Is she prepared to go it on her own with out you? It sounds like you might be prepared to go out on your own without her. Even the name and the website if agreed to not using is best put into writing, date, sign, notarize. It shows intention.
Similarly, a friend asked me to partner in her business. At first, it seemed like it could be a good idea, that I'd have some mentorship and there would be a lot I could bring to the table. I decided to get my feet wet slowly- and a good thing, too! My first impressions were wrong- she would not be a good mentor, as she was learning the ropes herself. After introducing me to her colleagues, she started being condescending to me in front of them. She did mention in private that she has trouble with jealousy sometimes. I knew that her behaving disrespectfully towards me one more than one occasion was enough for me to know this was a bad situation for me to be in. The reality was not what I thought I was signing up for.
Alanon is teaching me how to define and assert boundaries. Also, that as I become healthier, I tighten my boundaries and do not allow myself to stand in harm's way. I decided what was good for me and what I wanted to do. So, I defined for myself how I want to go forward.
Then I was ready to talk with her. The program is teaching me to be honest, be brief, and be gone. Easier said than done- I rehearsed in my head many times so that it would come out as smoothly as possible. I told her that this is not working for me. I don't know if she truly heard me or accepted it, but I promised myself not to repeat. She looked like a wounded puppy and had questions. It was difficult, but necessary for me to answer them honestly. i could do this because I knew that continuing with her would drag me down emotionally and professionally. She tried to dump her issues on me, manipulating my verbiage, insisting that I'm to take 50% responsibility. I told her that I'm not accepting parceled responsibility for her behavior, that I assume only responsibility for mine.
Thanks for this! Thats part of it too, the condecending me in front of others. It was my photography business to begin with, and I taught her to use her camera etc. Now she tries to take over every event, and I know my part is that I let her, but I don't want her to and I don't feel that if I tell her that she will listen. She hasn't listened in the past, she will take over a conversation and make it very difficult for me to talk.
Right, I need to be honest, short and to the point. Thanks for replying :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Alanon suggest that we put Principles above personalities in all our affairs. Remember Business is business!!! You are owner of this business and you have decided that you would like to to dissolve the partnership and strike out on your own. You need to be sole owner of the business and will dissolve the current arrangement. You need to have a plan as to handling the web site and the company name, It cannot be I will stop using the name if you will
Maybe consulting a lawyer as to how to protect your investment is wise. Business deals are much easier than friendships as there are guidelines. If either person is unhappy in the arrangement---they negotiate and if no compromise is reached the business is dissolved. It is never personal.
Good Luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 7th of August 2011 06:37:10 PM
Rereading, yes, I agree with Hotrod. It is your business. If it were my business, I would get the strength and courage to have the other person completely disengage. Keep it simple. Details aren't necessary, but firmness is. For example, "I'm only going to say this once. This arrangement is not working out for me so, I'll be working my business on my own again. I wish you the best." There doesn't need to be further discussion.
Some areas of the US have a legal referral service set up where consultations can be no more than $50. You may inquire at the nearest law school. Speaking to counsel may help with the support in making this break.
I know it was not smart to not do a legal partnership with her, and so that is probably part of why this is so hard. I do want to keep the business name as my own though, since I came up with the name and started everything including the website. Thanks ladies :) It is so hard I guess because we were friends first and our two sons who are both 8 are best friends.... I should have listened when people said "don't go into business with friends"
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am not a lawyer but it sure sounds like your business is being taken over.
I was thinking that to regester the business name in your name would give you an advantage. Then start a new webpage with your work only, using the business name. Next hire a service that gets you "hits" on the website to put it first in the search engines. Maybe your lawyer would agree and you could proceed without her.
You could HIRE others with a good reputation in the business to help you get runing faster and bring in more business. Then also do more than just weddings? Spend some time doing a mailing that offers special prices and digital files, to your existing customer base. Offer them a "free picture packege" for refering you? This could give you cash flow for the above.
It sounds like this wont get better for you unless you act. You have created your own competition and need to come out strong to minimize your losses.
I am no expert. As such I would be really going out on a limb with possibilities as to what to do or not to do. I do know one thing, you are working a good program trying to implement all the tools you are learning in a deeper, more meaningful way.
One day at a time, one moment at a time. Take the next right action and leave the results up to God.
Thanks all :) I think for now I am waiting a bit before I make this change. it is coming though, and I am getting stronger so its coming soon. Tonight when I saw her at our sons' football practice I had a really hard time being near her and listening to her rant and rave about her life. The healthier I get, the harder it is for me to be around her, and others who TALK at me all the time... I just kept nodding and smiling and remembering I didn't have to say anything "OK" is a sentence...
-- Edited by youfoundme on Monday 8th of August 2011 07:59:02 PM
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
