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I have so much to say and ask I am not sure where to start without rambeling. I have been married for 26 years now and not sure if we will make it to 27. In the early years neither of us drank much but when friends came over DH would get beyond drunk. at that time in life I never considered him an alcoholic as it was so occassional and myself I was almost always the only sober one and with that comes a story.
To make this short I grew up with an alcoholic mother who used to allow me to drink and at 12 I had my first real drunkin episode. I then had very little to drink and understood what was going on with my mom. Mom was a mean drunk and she started drinking at 10am. The abuse was bad but im sure not as bad as some, however I got the worst of it and when my dad stepped in well he got the whole brunt onto him.
The abuse from my mom continued while I was a wife and a mother. I protected my kids as much as I could and they were little so they do not recall any of it, however I thought my DH who is now my AH would of seen what it did to me.
My family and I moved several states away to but a business and again my mom was very mad at me about taking her grandchildren away from her. 2 weeks after we moved I found out why she was so mad....Mom had cancer and no one knew, 4 months later she died. I was sad yes but I still hold a cold disgrace in regards to her.
2 years after mom died and the business went sour out lovely neighbor (and yes i do still love her) introduced DH to wine..... with the depression of the biz and his new found love for wine he didn't know what hit him.
Fast forward to 3 years ago my DH is now buying wine by the case and the large bottles and that still is not lasting the week.... when he would run out my kids would call me to get wine on way home cause without it DH was mean and grumpy. For awhile I did this and one night he disappeared and we had a whole community looking for him and that is when I decided I had to do something I just didn't know what.
We started at the dr. who said he is depressed and got him some meds and at that time the dr said he was at the start of liver damage. For about a week that scared him and he saw a counselor who told him to go to AA. DH found a meeting and went and said it wasn't for him, people were to persnikity is what he said. Since then he said wine is poison to him and he stopped.....but stared with beer something that he always hated. Sure enough beer was even worse for him cause now he was loud embarrassing and treated me like crap when no one was around and I then began to loathe him.
In april I told him he had to stop or I was gone, he stopped for 3 weeks and it started all over again however I didn't stick to my word. I made excuses because his mom was sick and this and that was happening. In June he was out and drunk and on his motorcycle (another broken promise) and when he came home I gave him the suit case and told him to leave by morning and I slept on the couch crying myself to sleep. When I awoke he asked to talk to me so I went into the bedroom and he said...I get it I can't drink at all.....ever. On this paper was a contract to me saying he was done with the alcohol and wanted me. (I heard similar before). It is now August and no alcohol has come into our house, however he has been spending a lot of time with his buddies weather it be swimming or fixing something and then comes home sober.
The hard part is that I looked our bank cards and cc and it shows that perhaps he bought alcohol but not sure by the amount.....its this lack of trust I have it is eating me up! The other day we were talking and I am planning a baby shower and he has a tournament the same day and he says........... Cool I will stay at jim's as he is in the tourney also and I can get drunk and take it out on him and you won't be affected........OMG I am still stunned and no clue what to do as I have no family and have to sick children and am ill myself......
Don't apologize, it's a lot to take on. If you can I highly suggest finding an alanon meeting in your area. I saw myself so much in your post from a year ago. Only we are still dealing with a DUI. I saw the train wreck happening and tried to get my A into the dr. Unfortunately, it didn't work. His dr's did the meds for depression and things really went crazy! It went from bad to worse literally in 4 weeks. He has anxiety issues and does meds for that, now he's off the antidepressants. He made that decision with his dr.
Addictions cannot be bargained, begged, pleaded, contracted or rationalized with, .. it's a beast of it's own with it's own agenda. I had to really get to the 3 C's. I did not cause the addiction, I cannot control the addiction and I will not cure it either. I am totally powerless over my A's addiction.
I still have hope and the hope that has sprung up for me is that I have power over myself and how I choose to react to my AH's addiction. I found it at a f2f meeting and I found out that I was not alone. I have said this in previous posts I did not walk into alanon I crawled with a whole lot of baggage attached to my train. Even in that first night my baggage train started to become lighter. I'm still at the beginning of my program, just having hope has gotten me through so many things this last year.
Please keep coming back, keep sharing because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It starts by you taking care of you and letting go of trying to fix your A. :) Sometimes easier said than done, so worth it. You are soooo worth it. There are so many wonderful people here at MIP with so much wisdom. You are not alone either. :)
My A is not in recovery. Our relationship is better and what I can tell you is without the program I would not be who I am right now and I wouldn't trade that for the world. My kids have benefited as well, (I have two young children as well.) :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Leaping Lizard...I was gonna tell you that you don't have to apologize for being a Newbie but then...too late so let me say that all of us have been newbies at one time or another. We didn't know and didn't know that we didn't know alcoholism and then we find help and with a bit of an open mind as the meeting closing says "...with an open mind we find help." Part of the help was learning about this thing called the 3c's. I didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it and that helps a ton because it is true and I learned how not to fight it anymore. That didn't mean I was fine with it I was just fine not making it the central part of my life and fighting try to control and cure it.
What I did is what all serene members of the AFG (Al-Anon family Groups...in over 131 countries of this planet and over 25000 registered meetings...you're so not alone), did. The white pages of your local telephone book has the hot line number for Al-Anon and call it as soon as you can. If you get a live voice please talk to the member who answers and then if you don't listen for the meeting times and places where you can come to sit with us so that you can listen, learn and practice what we have which changes us for the better. Just come and get by the information table so that you can get as much info about this cunning, powerful and baffling disease and how it affects everything it comes into contact with.
Grateful you found MIP cause this is a great anchor in recovery on a daily basis.
Hi and welcome to MIP and stop apologizing already. We are so glad you are here and it sounds like you have found the right place. I hope you call the number below and find a meeting in your area, that is where the magic happened for me and it got better when I found my sponsor. Thanks for the share and know I could relate to almost all of it. I am sending you love and support.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Welcome Leaping Lizard. When most of us came to Al-Anon, we were pretty broken down but I quickly learned I wasn't alone and neither are you. I hope you can find a face to face meeting. It took me several to really start to get it, but I felt better immediately and I keep going back. Best wishes and peace to you.
Thanks everyone..... I am a newbie yet I have been with an alcoholic all of my life how does this happen?? And I don't understand how he thinks it is ok to drink so long as I am not around??? Anyway, I really appreciate all your kind words and support!! I have difficulty doing things and going places alone so it may be a bit of time to get the courage up to get to a meeting as it took me 15 months just to communicate here and when I was on yesterday I was here for 4 hours before I jumped in.
Hugs one step at a time, if nothing else see about getting some alanon lit it really makes a big difference. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm still fairly new at this too and am so thankful for the positive changes I've been able to make already in my life thanks to Alanon. The face-to-face meetings and books have been wonderful and this board has been very helpful. I also had a hard time going to the meetings, had some anxiety associated with it for sure, but it's been getting better with time and practice and the people have been SO welcoming and gentle and gracious. I hope you will find a lot of comfort and learning too during this tough time.
