The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been struggling since my AH left 3 days ago. Although I have been pushing for him to be on his own, so he can own his own recovery and get sober w/o using me as a crutch or excuse. This is HELL. I miss him and am scared for him. He has not even let me know where he is and we have 2 kids. The silence is tearing me apart. I keep telling myself that this has to happen...that what we have tried wasn't working and nothing changes if nothing changes. But inside I am terrified and heart broken at the thought of breaking up my family. I feel responsible because I told him to go. Anyone who is NOT in a relationship with an alcoholic would think I was insane for staying this long (8 years), given all the crap I have put up with.
But the Hope For Today reading yesterday struck me deep. I read the Just For Today prayer A LOT...and the reading in Hope For Today said something to the extent of, "If you practice Just For Today for weeks and months and years on end, you are essentially keeping it up a lifetime and accepting unacceptable behavior. Getting through *temporary* difficulties that are short-lived is not the same as continuing to suffer."
Wow!!!!
I think for me, it is denial still...that when I get scared I try to say, "I can handle it" or "Things aren't that bad" but really...they are and I deserve better...and his only hope of getting sober is to do it on his own. I pray for him. Outside our home, he will either get sober or not. Either way, I can restore my sanity and take care of our kids. Right now I keep reminding myself to be gentle on myself. Ugh...I miss him.
Sookie, I admire your strength in your williness to initiate change. Change is so hard for us humans--no matter what the change is. It must be something evolutionary remnants built into our brains (LOL).
I remember deciding to leave a bad 1st. marriage (to the father of my children). He was not an alcoholic, but a narcissist of the worst degree (there are some things as bad or worse than alcoholism). I had spent years trying everything to make it work. I even went to therapy alone for a whole year when he dropped out after two sessions. I ended it because I didn't want to eventually end up in a "mental institution" or have the children (very small) grow up in a toxic household.
Looking back it was the right decision. We haven't had contact for years (I happily remarried later), but from what I hear he hasn't changed on little bit.
My point, however is that, at the time I grieved for "breaking up" the family. It is so sad to let go of the perfect dreams---even if they aren't really true. I got past it, though. I think I became a better mother after I was out from under the daily soul-draining burden.
Just keep yur faith that you really are strong enough to handle what ever comes your way.
Otie's post says so much that is spot on for me. The change issue and the grief, if I had a nickle for how much time I spend fighting myself on something I know is good for me, I would be a rich woman. :) Change is a biggie. LOL .. it is ironic that sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is make a change and yet it's the hardest thing to do. I think it's 6 weeks to create a bad habit and then another 6 years to break it .. lol .. not that long I exaggerate. It takes longer than 6 weeks to break the habit. It's no different in how we react to situations. We have spent a long time acting a specific way and getting the point of this is enough change is not going to happen overnight. I wish .. lol. :)
I've also heard more than once from someone it's not that they really "miss" the person (I'm not saying you don't, this is coming from hind sight) it's the fact they mourned the fact of the broken dreams and how they envisioned their life ending up vs what wound up happening. I don't believe anyone gets married with the idea they will get divorced if it doesn't workout. We all have idealism's that things will workout and life will be wonderful.
I read Hope for Today yesterday and I really loved what it had to say and it was an aha moment for me :)
Keep working your program and keep coming back. As hard as things seem today they really do get better as each day passes. P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
((((Sookie)))) Aloha. I remember those thoughts and feelings and gladly I also remember the lessons I learned in Al-Anon. It's okay to miss her and love her and get free of the unacceptable behaviors all at the same time. Its okay and not natural. Natural before I got into Al-Anon was to survive only with the unacceptable behaviors and to miss being loved. Today we have a chance to put the pieces of the puzzle in the right order, with help and support from others who are not alcoholic and who know how to walk this journey. Keep coming back....((((hugs))))
I love the power of our slogans.... another fave,that may do you well today, to keep your focus on the here and now, is One Day at a Time (can be one day, or hour, or minute - whatever you need). Try to take all that focus and energy on you and your kids today - you all need a break, and some serenity....
He will do what he is gonna do... it might be really positive, it may not be..... you can only change and influence you and your children, so choosing peace, serenity, and having a good day together is all within your grasp....
Take care, and have a great day
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks so much...and a lot of what you all are saying is true. It is grieving the idea that a dream is not a reality. I keep bringing myself back to the facts and that helps.
He finally called so I know he is alive and that helped a bit.
Like you say, one minute at a time is the best I can do right now!
