Struggling with detachment and disconnect - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Struggling with detachment and disconnect

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((((((((Pushka))))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry you have to go thru this, and I Truly Understand your "Disconnect" from All around you when strapped with the Stresses of this Disease...

FOR ME!!! When I Feel like I'm inching back to old behaviors and allowing others to take my Serenity, and Sanity, I Journal... Yes I Come here for Support, but I Also, FEEL every emotion... I Type my Journals just because when Im done Writting my hands craps cause it is Usually ALOT...lol... :) BUT, I write down What I am Feeling, Were I think the Feelings are Coming from, I then Have it one Paper to Read and go over as too Not Repeat Old Choices/Patterns... I have even Wrote to My A's and Just never gave it to them, just to free my Mind of it and then Hand it to God!

One of the Slogans that Took me awhile to respect and understand was "Definition of Insanity.... Doing the SAME things OVeR & Over & Expecting DIFFERANT Results".... I use to HATE Hearing that, but the CLoser I looked at it, the more it made sense... If I Keep obsessing over my A's, then I am Not being Gentle on myself, and I Would accually Catch Myself Treating THEM with More Respect then I did Myself! "Cody in me Im Sure"...

Another Tool I Always tried to hold onto was "How Important Is It?" and thats a good one because when I was disconnected to Me, and Connect to their Disease, No Matter how Important it was to me, They was NOT Loosing Any Sleep over my Anxity... it was Not at ALL important to them and they just rolled on thru it, Me... I Obsessed & Obsessed somemore! Me Crazy.... them Still who they are....

It is Tough when You have children living in the disease as well... But that is also what gave me the Help I needed to Put the Focus back on myself, because when I Can't Show up for ME... I Coulnd't Show up for my Son, so I was Punishing him for Their Disease as well... I grew up in an Alcoholic home and I know how it feels to feel like "everything in the world is Your Fault" because Mom & Dad are unhappy and don't have time to deal with my emotions or even know I was in the Room.. Thanks to al-anon I have chose to show up More for Me & My Son and let the Others Take care of themselves...Or Not!

Every Person in this Disease has their own HP, and it took me a LONG time to realize... I'm Not It!!! I have to keep My Focus ON ME & My HP.... It is easier Said then done for Sure... But with Each day I Practice... It Grows as Natural as Puttin my Clothes on in the morning!

You CAN Do it, You are Worth it, & I'm Very Grateful You are Here!!! Keep up the Good work with your Program & Meetings, You will not be disappointed, and YES... Your GF Sounds like a Keeper... She made some Great Points, and because she is Your GF & Cares about you, but is not Living in your Shoes, She may very well see, what is Blocking your View.... Sometimes we have to take that Leap of Faith, and decide... Todays the Day I Going to be Differant! Todays The Day I'm Going to Lift Spirits instead of Allow them to bring me Down! Because with Each New Day, HP Allows us a Fresh Start!!!!

Keeping You in my THoughts & Prayers... Sorry So Long... ( I have never be accused of being "SHORT" Winded)... :P

Please take what you like & Leave the Rest... Much Love & Hugs Coming your way...
Friends in Recovery

Jozie

oldgraduate · Senior Member

Pusha - hang in there and take the advice of Jozie. Journal or mediate on what is causing you to feel that way. And then leave it. It may be that you are still in shock and just need time to absorb it. That's fine. I find I get disconnected when I am focusing on how bad the situation is, or how bad I feel about myself. For me it borders on depression. And it's not healthy for me anyway because then I expect others to make me feel better and get into self-pity. I know there are times when my kids think I'm off or unresponsive too. And it's scary when we feel like we really don't care about something or someone. It's scary for me to think that at some point I might not even care enough about my AH to stay with him. But I think too, that growth in ourselves and the principles helps and maybe that feeling of I don't care is really ' I Won't care about this anymore'. For me anyway, I have to draw a line as to just how much I am going to allow the negative to bring me down. I am a control freak so maybe it's unhealthy but I think "I won't let this control me anymore". I really don't know much yet, I'm a newbie, buy maybe there's a grain of something here that will help. Just know that your HP is in control and you can not feel anything if that is what you need right now.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks you guys, :)

@Jozie, I think I'm in need of a HALT, only my H is standing for hormonal .. ugh .. I hate that. I do sit and journal usually what I do is read co dependents no more and write what I feel. I am feeling a strong need to do that today. :) I'm also one of these people who takes a journal to meetings and write what pops into my mind as I'm listening because usually I go back and review it ( I do it for a very selfish reason, as I will never remember the little kernels of what someone says that I need to hear) the next day. My books (CTC, ODAAT and HFT) were getting filled up because I kept scribbling in them and then I couldn't find what I wrote ... LOL!! I made the gentleman next to me laugh last night as I was scribbling random thoughts. LOL. I'm just full up on the pain meter and need a release. Maybe I need to change my thoughts on this and look at it as a good thing? I mean it's good that I'm not flipping out. It's also good that my pain meter filled up in a year vs 7 years. KWIM? I guess I'm starting to be able to handle less pain and that's a good thing. It's just shocking .. lol. The last time my pain meter filled I went into depression for 18 months that was so not fun. I do not want to go there again. I missed out on a lot and became a hot mess. So I'm improving on that level. I thank you for your words of encouragement and I thank you for sending such a "LONG" message .. ha ha .. you guys and "long posts" Good night I must be writing novels, I better say thanks for reading my long winded blah blah blahs .. LOL!! It's official I talk to much I wish I had the gift for getting to the point in 20 words or less I admire people who can do that .. LOL.

@OG, I value what everyone has to say because sometimes it's just the thing I need to hear in the moment I need to hear it. Sometimes it's not even a post I have started, it certainly gives me a new perspective to see it from and that is always a good thing. It would be way to easy to super glue my butt to the ol' pity pot and get stuck there for a LONG time to come .. lol. Thankfully, I have enough to keep me busy to detract me from the attention and I think my butt is getting to big for the pity pot right now. :) Just because you are new to the program, you have so much to offer don't sell yourself short. :) I do think you are right about the issue of shock, I got a healthy dose of shock Monday and felt very blindsided by what happened outside of the court. I was totally prepared for the course of events inside so that was a good thing. Outside the court and when we got home and this last week, I have been in a lot of shock and dismay. My girlfriend really called it when she said to me that I was expecting (ohhh bad bad pushka) my A to finally accept responsibility and truthfully that may never happen. I guess I expect (ohhh the E word again .. yucky!!) my A to get hit with the full reality of what was going on. He really is still in a large pit of denial.

Thanks again and hugs, It's so good to know there are people who understand. :) P :)

Jules1011 · Member

Pushka

What a great post, just what I needed to hear, I am struggling with detachment at the moment, one moment I feel strong the next I am back to my old ways of thinking. Its a constant battle in my head and boy if anyone could hear whats in my head I would prob be locked up lol. I have been trying to connect with my HP the last few days, I have been praying that he helps me alleviate some of my anxiety and this morning I woke up feeling okay, no anxiety, although throughout the day my 'stinking thinking' have brought me back to my anxiety and I know its because I have went back to my old ways of thinking and feeling disappointment when I didnt get the answers I wanted.

You have given me a lot through your share, and I think no matter what you should always remember that you are a good caring person, who deserves to be happy. My bf has been able to move on this week, I can for a few hours and then something will remind me of the situation thats supposed to be resolved and its back to beating myself up and worrying about what other ppl will think (people pleaser very hard to change). I have decided that for me, I am in charge of whats inside my head, any decisions I make and how I feel at any given moment and it shouldnt matter what other ppl think, say or do, if I follow this and hand it over to HP (completely and not just half the time) then I will receive my answers and most importantly I will start to feel better, without trying to change other peoples ways of thinking, I am powerless.

Hope things start looking up for you, hugs and best wishes.......Jules......

hawaiilover · Senior Member

Hi Pushka:

I can relate with you on the detachment and disconnect issue. The reality is that this disease takes us through mental distress. It is cunning and I hate what it does to us. The good thing is that we have a supernatural program called Alanon. I can't thank Bill W. enough for pioneering this program. It has saved lives worldwide. I like the ideas you received and can only tell you to hang on! You work a strong program and I see that your recovery is also strong. What you have endured in the past 11 months has been very challenging, to say the least.

My brother was recently arrested for DUI. Needless to say, I was shocked! I had no idea he was an alcoholic. It upsets me, yet I let his wife worry about. My AH is driving under the influence EVERYDAY. And, he is driving a car with an expired registration. I am not working and can't pay for it as I have in previous years. Just wanted to share in support.

Hugs to you.

Hawaii

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In some ways putting a shield around ourself after we get hurt is natural and protective. It stops us from being naive and foolish in our emotions, in trusting people we shouldn't, and from gettng hurt in the same way over and over. Now....with that said, it helps to examine how much of your reaction is healthy and protective versus maladaptive..... Pushka, sometimes you might just have to experience some awkward, painful, and negative emotions to grow. Your feelings about your husband and your life are in flux. I believe as you keep on this spiritual journey, you will get closer to instinctually knowing what is right for you. That is part of the promises of AA and I think it holds true for alanon as well.

lasthope · Veteran Member

Pushka thank you for posting this topic. The first time I read it
I didn't quite get it but am beginning to understand because I've
shut down since discovering my husband's strange recent
behavior is that he's smoking dope again. He's close to 60,
so this isn't college age recreational use. He's been a drug
and alcohol addict his entire adult life. He switches from
prescription drugs to alcohol to pot. Sometimes uses all three at once.
For at least a year he's been using scripts and alcohol but not pot.

Pot is worse for me than the others because for one thing he
totally disengages when he uses it. I slipped and raged at him
when I realized what was going on. I know better than to let his
lying, manipulating, and sneaking blindside and hurt me so
badly but it happened and I reacted. I don't know whether
interacting politely and only when necessary is maladaptive or protective.
Right now I need to take care of myself and that means staying away
from my AH.

I haven't learned how to not take it personally.
Being soft and approachable is my nature too Pushka but
being that way with my AH hurts me each and every time.

kandikween · Member

Can you explain disconnect? I feel like ive been dealing with this for a long time but couldnt put my finger on it.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to the surprises of what "really" happened... and who knew what? and when? I was always the last to know what he was really up to.

It sounds like your friend helped you to identify that you have an expectation. Unmet expectations for me ALWAYS lead to resentment.

My first sponsor taught me that whenever I have a resentment... any little teeny, tiny little resentment.... to do the work. Inventory it. How else can I truly know myself and why I react the way I do? It especially helps me to find out what part of me was threatened. Whenever I see that, it immediately brings me back to Higher power. So often in my marriage, my security was threatened. Well, who is responsible for my security?? It's rather insane to place my security in the hands of an alcoholic husband, but, that is what I did, I made him my higher power.

The steps are designed to free me. If you haven't already, my suggestion is to work with your sponsor to get to your part in your suffering. You'll feel much better.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad Lee,

I'm actively looking for a sponsor just hasn't worked out yet. Part of the reason I'm in manic meeting mode is because I'm sooo ready for a sponsor and know this is the next step for me. I just haven't found the "right" person yet. I know they are right in front of me I just have to stop and open my eyes.

Thank you, for the support I truly appreciate it; someone said at a meeting that "expectations are premeditated resentments" WOW .. oh so true!!

Hugs P :)

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