Dear Heartbroken

Welcome to MIP.  I am so sorry for the pain that this disese of addicton is causing. 

We are powerless over others so that I found the best way that I could handle a situation was to learn how to respond differently to my family.

I urge you to try alanon face to face meetings.  Here you will find others who are dealing with the same issue and break the isolation, learn new ways of responding to the situation and discover a peace and wisdom that will enrich your life

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

You are not alone

((( heartbroken )))

I am so sorry for your situation. I am also the mom of an addict. My son is 22.
Before entering Alanon I can tell you my life was about as unmanageable, hopeless and chaotic as it could be. I was deep in my own depression ( from PTSD ) as I watched my son sink into addiction and handled things about as badly as one can. He also lived at home... he experimented with opiates and other drugs before he found his drug of choice which was hallucingens. These are called "loner" drugs. My son would run out get high and come home as quick as he could to hide out in his quaters and experience his hallucinations. He OD'd a few times, one of the times we had found the drugs and handed them over to the paramedics who in turn turned them over to the DA and my son was charged with felony possesion. He lost all his friends, girlfriend, jobs pretty much everyone but us.
I did my best my very best to control him.... well we see where that got me..right here
When he didn't get his way he often threatened suicide. Obviously my worst nightmare and eventually he did as he pleased.
When I found this program I learned so much about this disease, how it works, what to expect etc. But mainly I learned how to take care of me no matter what my son was doing. He has been to rehab twice compliments of the legal system and would get a little sober time then back to his old ways. The last time we put a firm boundary down that should he relapse again he would have to leave home and before he could pull out the suicide card. We let him know we were already watching him kill himself a little bit each day and for our own sanity we couldn't watch it anymore.
Well he did relapse, we enforced our boundary ( he was working at this time ) told him he had to leave, and he moved out 3 days later, found a room to rent. he went down hill quickly after that lost yet another job etc. he had drug tests and therapy he needed to pay for and we helped him out at first but he knew his way around the tests so we were just throwing money away and still enabling. So we cut him off completly... he couldn't fulfill his probation requirements without the money we were giving him so he is now serving his sentence in jail. Again he knows coming home isn't an option. He says he is going to work on getting into a sober living home... we will see.
It took a good while workin the program for us to put down our boundaries and actually stick with them but the alternative was he was drowning and we could either go down with him or save ourselves. That is what it literally came down to us or him.
We love our son unconditionally no matter what he does but we learned how to detach with love.... I can love my son and hate his disease.
I don't know what my sons bottom is, obviously i pray it isn't death but for some it is.
My suggestion to you is get yourself to alanon meetings, work the program and get your life back. We become addicted to our addicts. And much of the time we are just as sick as they are. We need our own program to heal ourselves.
I know some of this may sound cold, I don't mean it to be. If love could cure this disease it would be cured, if hate could cure this disease it would be cured. But it can't. And while some of the things you hear may sound selfish, it is not. It is not selfish to take care of yourself mentally and physically.
You cannot cure, help or fix your son. You aren't that powerful, none of is are. So the best we can do is work our recovery and many times our recovery aides in the recovery of others.
If your son wants help he only needs to walk into any AA or NA meeting. There is no one better to help an addict than another addict. In my opinion from the research I have done the Salvation Army has one of the best recovery programs in the world. It is a 2 yr program in which they help them not only with recovery but every aspect of thier lives..jobs, school thier own place to live eventually. They do take paying clients first $2500 is all they charge then those that can give some sort of donation and finally those with no where, no money just off the street. They have helped so many people.
But first thing first Please,Please get yourself to alanon meetings and start your recovery. You will not be sorry. Please go with an open mind and heart. You will be welcomed and have instant support, You are going to need it.
We are a family, we work the same steps as AA/NA just in a different context. You will hear your own story, hear how others handled the situation by changing thier behaviors. You may hear things you don't want to hear or accept thats where the open mind comes in. This is a brutal disease but the longer you wait to find your own recovery the more unmanagable and miserable your life will become.
Addiction is a progressive disease, it only gets worse, without your own recovery it is going to get worse for you too.
So now i am rambling, sorry. I just so relate to where you are right now and before I found my recovery I was standing right in your shoes and I know exactly how you are feeling and want so much for you to know you are not alone. You have found a family that will walk you through the bad times and rejoice with you in the good times.
Please come back and keep us posted
Prayers for you and son
Blessings

 

 

Aloha Heartbroken...You are right you don't know how to help your son and one reason (only one of many) is that the drugs are stronger than you and have a louder voice.  If he is under the influence any message you give him is going to get warped before he sanely hears it.  See if there is a NA hotline number in the whitepages of your local telephone book.  NA = Narcotics Anonymous.  Call that number and have someone call back or talk with you if you get a live person.  Tell them your story and listen.  Ask them if they can send someone over to do a 12th step with your son.  If they can it's best you are not involved or if you are there don't participate other than listening because the enabler doesn't make it come out easier.  See if that works and let us know if it does.

I learned a proper attitude about what is a successful suicide while I've been here.  A successful suicide isn't about ending your life; it's about changing how you are living your life.

The 12th step suggestion is from real experiences.  Give it a try.

(((((hugs)))))