The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let me start this by saying, that even with this "crisis" I am feeling at the moment, Alanon has been a lifesaver for without it I probably would have been in jail by now. i know this will pass, but going on the umpteenth night of no sleep, it is hard to believe it at this moment. It is 3:45 am, and where I used to fall asleep and wake up, I am now not falling asleep at all.
My son finally turned 18. I let him leave our home a week and a half early for his dispostition and rage were not worth the illusion of control. He went back to his friend's house with the irresponsible mom. Just took what he wanted. Left the room a mess. I can't believe i didn't think it thru before i drove him to his destination. I was just done! Ignoring and bsing about finding a place to put stuff. Includes an old couch he got from a neighbor. I want exAH to help me go deliver all of it onto the driveway, but he is not into it. Son smokes and is high all the time. My ex heard a rumor he is selling pot. Would not surprise me in that he doesn't have a job and seems to have no desire or intent to get one. Scheduled to take driving test for license tomorrow. Friend is scheduled at the same time. i was supposed to take him, at his request 6 weeks ago, but he cancelled me when i reminded him that he was responsible for paying for it. He claimed it was just easier for him to go with friend and mom and would avoid discomfort of me being near her. Hmmm... I wonder what he is afraid of? ;-D
Alanon really has helped me keep serenity up til a few days ago, but I also think i have taken it to extremes at time and have stayed silent when I should have spoken up. I am at a point where I think speaking up will give me serenity, however, I know that sometimes things turn entirely in a different direction.
After seeing numerous disturbing facebook posts from the sister of the friend. the poor kid is verbally abused and ignored by her mom. i did send a pm to her grandma who I have met a couple of times, retired in mexico, and seems fairly rational. It was simple letting her know my son had a home and that I had concerns for her granddaughter. She responded saying she and the dad had spoke to the mom and hopefully things would turn on a positive note. Really, it said nothing. Anyhow, tonite in my insomniac state I wrote another, but more detailed with concerns re my son. Haven't sent it; not sure it won't come back to bite me, but I do think it is good, factual and without blame. My motivation? Partly, hope for intervention of some sort though I know that is unrealistic, but more to reach out to someone who has love invested too.
Anyhow, I feel ready to blast this mom a new one. Is that my sleepless mind talking? What do i want to say? Somethng pretty simple like, " You may think you are a cool mom, but to the rest of society you are an unempathetic and irresponsible parent. Karma is a bitch." I'll just send it in a text. Why? Just to get it out. Honest.
I am pretty know your answers but need to read them. You are all so wonderful and wise.
I really need to get some sleep.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Insomnia sucks! I have started taking melatonin, it makes a huge difference. I can empathize with feeling of extremes you are talking about, I've been trying to use HALT although I want to change it for myself at the moment to Hormonal Angry Lonely Tired, even though the H stands for Hungry.
Good for you on working your program, it's the only thing that works in situations where I know my unhealthy behavior would get the best of me. I can understand totally the impulse of wanting to do something in the heat of the moment and wondering if maybe it's a good idea and not knowing for sure.
How about you just sit on the email? Save it, you've written it out, you know it's there. I don't know if you work outside of your home, however if not take a nap today and try and get some rest. Take care of you, give the message of your email over to your HP (as well as the whole situation with the mother and so on give it all to your HP) and be with your HP. At least give yourself the opportunity to decide if what you have written is really what you mean. Maybe you tweak it, maybe you delete it, maybe you send it. I don't know, whatever you do I encourage you to be in a better mindset before acting. Know your motive, and when you know your motive you won't doubt your decision. :) You may wait a week, an hour I don't know, that's totally up to you.
If you have to work, be easy on yourself. Maybe take a sick day?? I don't know if that's possible or not if it is though, I would say this qualifies as a mental health day. You know your situation best. Whatever you choose to do take care of you first, the email can wait and it's is there (copy past into a word document). You honestly don't have to DO anything right now. Let go and let God do this thing. :)
Hugs and I hope you are able to get some rest, it's soooo important especially during crisis situations. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you for posting, as it reminds me of my conversations with my son this week. I slipped in a few barbs... why? I wanna change him. ugh
Often when I can't sleep, it's because I am resisting. I want control. I am not giving God a thing! I am not in surrender. I don't need sleep meds, I need God!
Sit on all communications until your sponsor gives you the green light. Honesty in the program is NOT blasting anyone to make ourselves feel better. Never. Never. You will eventually have to add her to your list of amends.
Think about this, what you have tried is not working... that is always an indication to me that the universe in NOT in support of what I am doing and I need to STOP and look at myself. When I find my life unmanageable (not sleeping in an indication), I need to phone my sponsor and start hitting a meeting every day.
The mom is obviously feeding her ego, she is soooo needy. People pleasing is self-seeking, and always stems from fear. She may think she is being Loving... we are powerless to change her too. She needs prayers.... (that program recommendation is a b*tch, ain't it?!!!) But, think of what could happen if higher power were to intervene....
My Higher power wants me to be at peace. Wants me to surrender all things to Him. Wants me to sleep. Wants me to remember that as a mother, I was merely the vehicle for my children to get to Earth. My kids are God's.
Take what you like.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Budge up Lou, and let me sit right beside you on that ledge, we have had a crappy night here too, as our lad went on a bender again last evening and didn't come home, we laid awake worrying ourselves silly, and then at 3am the police called as someone had reported to them that our son was seen steaming drunk trying to ride his motorbike, my eyes are heavy and I'm doing daft things, nothing new there then, but this is how I get when I am all chewed up inside, and tired and weary.
But you know just like you said, I feel I am handling this better, although I am hurting I know that there are better ways to deal with this than how I used too, I feel calmer in myself, and I am practicing handing it over to the god of my understanding, because at times I find this whole thing bewildering and I don't know the answer, I like that I can feel this way, like knowing it's ok not to have an immediate solution, our son came home not so long back smug and cocky, he finds this all funny, you won't find me laughing though, and then the lies come, oh thank goodness I am learning not to argue with insanity, I have asked him kindly to go back to where he came, because I needed to calm down before I lost it with him, I managed too, how much better I feel for that, I have had a nice soak in the bath, put some nice clothes on and here I am, I don't feel so much anger anymore it's turned to sadness, I haven't given up hope though, he's still young, he's hitting it hard now, for his own sake I pray for the strength to step aside and let the forces that be take care of him, and if has to be the police force, so be it!
My Higher power wants me to be at peace. Wants me to surrender all things to Him. Wants me to sleep. Wants me to remember that as a mother, I was merely the vehicle for my children to get to Earth. My kids are God's.
Take what you like.
I really like whaat glad lee shared with you.
Lou, I shared with you a little of what it was like when one of our sons was 17. He, too, left our home to live with a friend's family that didn't appear to have any guidance/rules. I, too, went nuts for a while. But then I saw my attempts where futile and I left go
When our son decided that he wanted to live elsewhere, I boxed up all his things and placed them along side the garage wall. I gave him a time limit for picking them up or they'd be picked up by a charity agency. He knew I meant it. He came to get his things. I purposely placed his belongings in the garage because I knew he'd be angry and likely to spew ugly words. I didn't want to hear them.
Come off the ledge, Lou, and take care of yourself. Place him in HP's care. He might have to bump around a bit until he finds his way, like our son did; however, he will have an opportunity to learn the consequences of his actions. Otherwise, we are enabling him and likely to make him an emotional cripple for the rest of his life (like my mother did with my 53-year-old brother). Best he learn now. Easier said than done, I know.
You are stonger than you feel and a wonderful mother.
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Aloha Lou...((((((hugs)))))) let those hold you up for a while. Take another gander at Glad's response especially the part that relates to "Letting go and Letting God". Its your will that is keeping you from sleeping. Cave into God's will and you'll sleep because the whole world, all of us, are doing okay and spinning in proper orbit when you're not here.
First I sympathize and totally relate to your insomina. I started having insomina 10 months ago, I could get to sleep but then be wide awake 2 hours later. I did catch a nap ( maybe 45 min ) during the day. I have no medical insurance so my visits to the Dr about this were infrequent due to money issues. My Dr knowing my son is an addict and my brother was dying was chalking it up to stress which would sound reasonable but as I have chronic anxiety attacks it just did not feel like that. Not until I dropped 10 lbs and other physical issues were appearing did my Dr start testing and I was found to have a progressive, slow moving but fatal lung obstruction. And I wasnt sleeping because my body was starved for oyxgen waking me up tryin to get it. So probably more info than you needed but as a procaution if it persists pls do see a Dr. Lack of sleep distorts our thinking, thought process. Some times makes our decision making questionable at best that is just a proven fact. Sleep depravation also causes irratibility, irrationality etc. Bascially we just aren't ourselves. And for me even though i am getting medical care for my disease as well as insomnia sleep still eludes me ugh! So as for the "bad mother" your son is living with. I am going to try to be tactful but my nature is to be blunt so please don't take offense. Because I am holding a resentment towards someone right now ( a family member actually) that I would LOVE to unload on right now and call her out for the person she really is not the person she is pretending to be. And I have to resist my basic instinct to just let this person have it if I am going to progress in my program and not take a slip backwards. So with that said my question to you is what is your motive in passing on information to this mothers family members despite what you think to be true? Are you hurt that your son decided to go take his driving test with her and not you? Or that he chose to go live in her home? That she enables your son? That despite your need to have your son move from your home ( which I have had to do with my own son ) and some how you feel this other mother is trying to replace you? I think really taking a good long look at your motives before you step into this womans life may prove helpful. I know no matter what you love your son and you may be coming from a place of hurt and looking to maybe hurt someone else. In my situation I know that I was/am extremly hurt and if not for this program would love the short lived satisfaction I would get from hurting this other person. But the operative 2 words in that sentence was " Short Lived". Because I know in the long run when i act out of hurt, fear or anger it only serves to turn around and bite me in the butt. Never fails and definitly one of the character flaws that got me here to alanon. Having my own son who is an addict I can tell you this. Your son loves you as much as his disease will allow and for me thats what I have to take from my son cause it's all he has to give. He is with this "bad mother" cause shes an enabler. A's will always aeek out an enabler. It doesn't me he loves or even likes her. What he knows is he can get away with things with her that he can't with you anymore. Should you do something to make her life miserable it will not just involve her...others will be affected including your son. She could throw him out and then where will he place blame? This is another reason I don't act on the feelings of the person I want to.....eventually it will affect others in the family, sides will have to be taken and my reasoning no matter how justified I feel I may be may not be seen that way by others. I dont have the will to draw anyone else into a matter that is personal for me. So my thought is for you to figure out your motives and look at the long term ramifications of involving yourself in this womans life. Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing. I don't want to sound or come across as judgemental at all. Just wanted to give you maybe another perspective on the long term results of actions you may want to take. just my opinion Hope any of this made sense as last night was one of those where I got no sleep Blessings
You have 2 other kids who are still at home right? As much as it hurts and as hard as it is, turn your focus back to yourself and to them. Your son is on his own path and there is nothing absolutely nothing you can do to change it. The other 2 are there needing you to be sane and raise them. Do what you can. You didn't cause it, can't control it can't cure it...but we can contribute to it. Either in a positive way (by focusing on the other kids in the house who are being effected by their older brother) or a negative way(by trying to get others on "your side")
I used to enable my ex (who was the A) to be a great dad. I enabled him in his sobriety, but how could THAT be bad???? I was enabling GOOD behaviors....yeah....enabling is enabling and it didn't work.
You will get thru this. You will be stronger for going thru it.
18 year olds can be so trying even under the best of circumstances. I can certainly understand your frustration with your son and with the other mother. When my daughter was 18 and pulled something similar, at least I knew that she had a roof over her head and that she was safe. The incident was not easy to overcome, but she is now 20 and our relationship is in a much better place.
I continue to practice, practice, practice turning things over to my HP and letting go.
I do like how you question your motives regarding writing another letter.
I am trying to practice stepping back from frustrating situations and asking myself- what do I want to see as an outcome and is there something I can do to get there- will communication help or are my expectations for someone else to change?
Okay, my friends, I climbed down. Thank you so much for all the kind, wise words. The gift of being able to come to this board with all my crap at 3:30 in the morning, and know I will be understood and loved is beyond words. I will not send the email, nor will I create an interaction with the mom. Now, that is not to say I will necessarily restrain should the opportunity arise, but for now I will keep my focus on me and my kids.
My motivation really was what it normally is. I want someone to intervene and help me. In this situation, I THINK (and we all know how accurate that can be ) the grandparents may be financially supporting. They also have a medical marijuana license and my exAH has known them professionally for a long time and THINKS they may be the unlimited pot connection. As if there could only be one.. I don't want my son enabled, and I don't want him using nor selling pot. Uh huh. Anyhow, boils down once againso to trying to control what I cannot.
Yes, I need to focus on my other two. They are so much easier to parent and deserving of my full attention. Looking back I see what a toughie my oldest has always been, I just didn't have a frame of reference to realize how much at the time. Not that it would have necessarily mattered. He is still young, intelligent, and capable, and he knows I love him. For that I am grateful, and that needs to be enough for now.
I like the idea that my HP wants me to sleep and that it is my will that is keeping me from sleeping. I really do need to drop the rock and let HP in. On a more positive note, I do want to share that despite this crisis, I am putting more time into me. I am exercising on a pretty consistent basis, and giving to me, a completely new habit. This includes buying things for me as I desire and can afford. Things that make me feel good, be it a pair of earrings or a new tv (to replace the one from 1994). It is time.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I am so glad you aren't hanging around on the ledge!
Yep, I know how you feel about wanting someone to intervene. Been there, too! I recall my ex-AH and I got on the phone to all kinds of agencies, trying to get them to bring out son home. He was around 17 1/2 years old at the time; so they wouldn't intervene. We were told by the time the ink on the paperwork was dry, he'd be 18 and they'd be unable to touch him.
Some young men, like our sons, have to learn the hard way. My son, who is now 35, is doing so well. He acknowledges that he didn't use good sense back when he was a teen. It was a long time waiting before I heard those words. I hope your wait isn't nearly as long.
Taking care of you will set an excellent example for him in many ways. Love him, but don't put up with any crapola (sp?).
Take good care and let us know how you are doing, Gail
Place him in HP's hands and take care of you.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
) the grandparents may be financially supporting. They also have a medical marijuana license and my exAH has known them professionally for a long time and THINKS they may be the unlimited pot connection. As if there could only be one.. I don't want my son enabled, and I don't want him using nor selling pot. Uh huh. Anyhow, boils down once againso to trying to control what I cannot.