Trust issues...help! - Al-Anon Family Group

Kate1979 · Member

Trust issues...help!

lost2112 · Member

I have been there Kate! I am dealing with the same issues. I called home from work one evening just to check in and see if my fiance needed anything while i was out before coming home from work and he was drunk taking care of our 7 month old baby! Its hard for us to deal with these things when WE are not the ones with the addiction...

GreenK · Veteran Member

It sounds like you are listening to you mama instinct on this one. If your AH is drinking while caring for your small child that's not ok. We would have no problem telling this to someone else in a similar situation. It's so interesting to me how we acclimate to their craziness.

We make so much sense and they don't budge an inch. We keep trying to get them to budge and it wears us down and makes us question ourselves. We get emotionally stirred up, yell and plead and act like the crazy ones, which they like because it takes the heat off of them. Around and around it goes!

I always thought I was a confident, strong woman who made a lot of sense until I married an alcoholic!

Being in the fellowship of regular meetings will bring some sanity to the situation and boost your confidence.

GreenK · Veteran Member

Just another thought...(sharing a lot tonite :)

I believe we do have an addiction after talking with my sponsor about this recently. I'll speak for myself here. I believe that I have an emotional addiction that pre-disposes me to be in relationship with an alcoholic. My husband has the characteristics such as self-centeredness, insecurity, lack of empathy, alcohol dependence etc.

My characteristics are loss of self, low-self esteem, anxiety, and emotional reactivity, to name a few.

My disease is not his disease and we are very different people but I am in need of recovery every bit as much as he is. I am on the fiip-side of the same coin, so-to-speak

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

One trust you can have for certain is that your alcoholic husband isn't you. Stop trying to trust him to fulfill your expectations real or imagined. If he is under the influence that doesn't mean that he has to be drinking. If he is only under the thoughts of drinking he is under the influence. Trust him for what he can come thru with and not for what he can't or will not come thru with. "Expectations are future resentments"...a great Al-Anon awareness.

You're the story reader...he isn't that's just the way it is...for now. If you hold to the idea that he is alcoholic and always under the influence of alcohol (whether he's drinking it or not) you'll come closer to detaching from it. Practice, Practice, Practice. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 5th of August 2011 12:06:05 AM

lasthope · Veteran Member

Thank you to the posters for the advice of thinking of AH as always being impaired whether they're drunk or not. Also thanks for the one about expectations are future resentments. I cal relate to this one especially well. Expecting a rhythm of life with an alcoholic/addict is so stupid yet I've expected it for almost 8 years of marriage. Hmm so that makes me insane. Expecting normalcy while still living with an A/D addict. I agree that child's safety needs come first and foremost. Leaving them with an addict is always putting them in harm's way. It's not a matter of if but when the harm will happen.

Cloudsea · Veteran Member

You are right, yes RIGHT, to trust your instincts on this. An alcoholic cannot be trusted to properly care for a young child -- sadly, even when he is her father. He may love her very much, but his disease keeps him from being able to watch over her in a reliable way.

Your child cannot care for herself, cannot advocate for herself. You are the only one who can protect her. Please put her welfare before any concerns about offending your AH or thinking you are overreacting. You are not. If you can, put yourself in your 4-year-old's place and consider how scary it is that Daddy isn't himself, that she doesn't get a story, that he may not have given her reassurances that you would indeed be back and when.

Do you have family or trusted friends who can help you with babysitting when you have other obligations?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Am I being overly picky -- i dont think so . our children have a right to feel safe and if you think he looked like he was drinking , he probably was . If he cant be trusted to stay sober then find a sitter to take her to. Kids need us to keep them safe we are after all the sober and * sane * ones .

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know this is a hard issue, but yet it is not. We would never consider leaving our babies with a babysitter who was drinking or drunk. Just because this person is a relative makes no difference.

If they decide they want some more alcohol or whatever, there they go with your child, he or she is drink driving. Sadly I have heard this and see it a hundred times.

I remember years ago a member left her child with AH and this tiny kid was out 3 walking in the dark when she got home!

What if they pass out and the child gets curious and gets into something?

It is not a question, it must never be an option to leave a child with an active A. As I have always said, I would not leave my dog with a drunk.

no way.

To me to trust an A is insanity. An active A or a dry drunk is very, very sick. Their thought processes are not even close to sane.

I sure understand it's a hard obstacle, but if you want your children safe, NEVER leave them with an active A. For that matter I never allowed anyone to be drunk in front of my kids! Even if i was there!

hugs!Debilyn

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