The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, where do I start? Never done this and never would have thought I needed too. Guess I'll just jump right to it and see what you guys think.
I've been married 14 years to an AH. I knew he drank....a lot....but like most, figured marriage and family would change him. He grew up with a very abusive AF and has harbored much anger because of it (I'm so not justifing his actions with that statement!).
The past few years have gotten progressively worse with our marriage as well as his drinking (of course---that would go hand in hand). Up until the past few years, I have had a job outside of our marriage. But then, we thought it would be best if I started working for our company (hmmmm...I'm realizing a little late this was a control tactic...or at least turned into one).
As things got worse, I kept telling myself that as soon as my son graduated high school I was gone. Between all the broken promises, I had come to realize he was never changing.
Well, due to the economy our company had to close, and I am without a job. My son graduated in June, that was the first time I truly saw my AH's anger first hand. He was arrested on PI and spent the night in jail (wwent after my son's real father with a 2x4 at my son's graduation party) . He remained sober for less than a month-promising all the same promises from the past but then....as history repeats, spent last Wednesday in jail again (threw the remote through the Big Screen this time).
I know that he is not and probably has never been good for mine or my son's sanity, but at this point, I don't know what to do. Some moments I so want him to do the right thing and other times I really think I hate him and question if I ever loved him.
After this last episode, I went to my parents and waited for him to leave out of town with his job before I came back home. He will be gone for approx 2 weeks, but as we are talking on the phone-it's all I can do not to scream and cuss. We have not spoke of the last episode other than him emailing me this:
"yesterday when we were saying good bye,,,you werent even going to tell me that you loved me...That hurt me,,made me feel really alone....I have had the cops called on me 4 times in less than 2 years...no doubt there is something wrong with the way i have been acting..please realize that i never treat you like that if im not drinking..Once again i truely am sorry that I have put you and (son's name) through as much crap as i have...As you know I am not the person you married when I get drunk. Please understand that the sober (AH's name) loves you two so very much"
I didn't respond to this because I didn't know what to say. I still haven't been real forth coming with the "I love you's". So, today I get this:
"Remember last year when i said i didnt understand why you loved me. Well now i understand that you dont, you are making sure of that by not saying you love me when we talk .time after time saying ill call you back ..you dont..you have nothing much to say when we talk..I find myself wanting to talk to you but knowing there is no reason to call you ..i get the hint im the last person you want to talk to..i get it... if i ever had a problem of feeling like i wasnt wanted there,,it would be now ..i quess this seals the deal..as long as im gone in this truck your fine..only talk to me when you have to.....you dont have to deal with me...life is great..clean out our whole house sale it all.....because OUR life as you are showing me,, no longer means anything to you ......im sorry that i wasted so much of yours and (son's name) time".
How do I make him understand that I AM at a crossroad? I can not continue down this destructive path. Even without money or a house or a job, I can not stand to worry day after day which person is walking into my house.
I've heard all of the stuff everyone else has....it's my fault, he just wants to have a few drinks with friends....he can stop whenever he wants....etc etc etc.
How do I get past this point? Any experience, suggestions, advice, comments are greatly appreciated!
Hi Soulsurfing, Welcome to this board, I think you will find hope and solace in the input, understanding, and experiences of others in a situation similar to yours. I am also married to an AH, for 8 years. Like you, I knew he drank, but I thought marriage, children, etc, would change that. I realize now it does not. My husband tells me that "he thanks God for me every day, that I am his rock, and that if I were to ever leave him he could never move on...". The scary thing is...in the future, I don't see myself with him. I see his sickness pushing me to the point where I can no longer take it and where I no longer want our children around it. I admire you for removing yourself from him and not responding to the e-mails. I have told my AH that he is 2 different people: he is an ass when he drinks, and is wonderful when he is sober. I would love to be married to the sober one...but want to distance myself from the drunk one. Have you read anything from Toby Rice Drews? I have gained much confidence and insight from his books. He makes you realize how THEIR disease can also make you sick. I am in the midst of what to do in my marriage. I know what I should do, but it is just when and how I do it. Like I said, I admire you for the steps you have taken. I think the futures of you and your son will be healthier without your AH. I will hope and pray for healing, support and confidence for you. hang in there~
Thanks for the response...It amazes me as I read through posts....and especially yours just now, I am reading my life story. I believe my exact words to my AH were the one's you shared with your pertaining to the ass and not the ass. :)
I do understand what you are saying when you "know what the right thing is"....as do I...and I know I have no co-dep. issues or dependancy issues...I just really did love him at one time. Not so sure now :/
I have not read anything by that author but will be looking as soon as I read a few more posts. Anything to help clarify in my mind why I haven't left yet. My son leaves for college on Aug 22 and the countdown has begun. I feel like that is my "do or die" date as of right now.
Welcome, the best thing I ever did was walk through the doors of alanon into a face to face meeting. It made a huge difference in my life. I was at my wits end and emotional low point. Believe me I can find many reasons that I am within my rights to leave my AH. The truth is I still love my A. I've only just recently begun to remember all of the things I really like about my A. Some days are easier than others. He has all of the same issues that you mentioned, we're in the middle of a dui thing, there's been the arrested for PI, and the beat goes on. My behavior was absolutely just as destructive to our marriage as his was. I just did mine in a whole different way. I didn't get arrested I lived in a prison of my own making by manipulating, controlling and being down right unbearable to live with. It does not excuse my A's behavior in anyway, I'm just not responsible for it.
Coming to alanon made a huge impact on me for a number of reasons. I have started to accept the responsibility that is mine in our relationship. I understand him better as far as, I have remembered the things I fell in love with. Pretty much I just have understood so much better what my issues are vs what are his. It's made things a whole lot nicer in our home. I don't have to be accountable for everything and it's ok for him to be accountable as well. He doesn't need to be accountable 100% either we are two human beings who are married and we each are responsible for whatever we bring into our marriage.
Something alanon suggests is to wait 6 months before making any big decisions and work on yourself instead. Everyone's situation is different it's just a suggestion. Truly, I really didn't think I had any problems outside of the fact my A was making my life miserable. If only, .. fill in the blank, .. if only he would just stop drinking, if only he would just do what I suggested instead of making everything so hard, if only he would just change just enough then he would be good enough. Begging, pleading, rationalizing, bargaining just will not work when it comes to addiction. It's easier to nail jello to a tree. 3 C's I cannot control the addiction, I did not cause the addiction and I absolutely through sheer will of my own will never ever cure anyone else's addiction. I can control my reactions to any given life situation. At least now I have a clear mind and the support tools in place no matter what decision I make and I know I'm making it from a place that is not so filled with anger and resentment. We have young children and for me that's where I need to be because no matter what he is still their dad.
Hugs, it really gets better, and all I can say is keep coming back because the program really does work, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Only you can decide what you should do and what is best for you. No one is walking in your shoes. The Al-Anon program suggest putting off making any major life changing decisions for at least six months. Give the program a try. This is the perfect time and opportunity to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It is suggested to try six meetings to see if the program is for you.
I was given that same suggestion six years ago when I felt much like you do today. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to leave and I wanted to stay. I was being pulled in both directions. The Al-Anon program not only gave me a direction but also gave me the opportunity to change my life for the better. In meetings I was surrounded by other members who had walked in my shoes. Members who understood me as no one else could. Most of all, members who were strangers when I walked in and a caring family when I walked out. Please give the program a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Welcome to MIP, keep coming back, read prior posts, and give yourself what this program can offer.
You can't make him understand. Another recovering alcoholic might but not you. He is on his pity pot and practicing self centeredness to the max so you're not even in the picture even though he's putting you there to blame rather than really take responsiblility for the person he knows and knows that you know causes all of the problems. Better still come join us in the face to face meetings of Al-Anon in your area. Along with coming here that will help you put the pieces closer together so that you can also come to understand as many of us have. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It negatively affects every thing and one it comes into contact with (even 4 police officers) and is progressive. If not arrested by total abstinence it becomes fatal. Insanity arrives before the coroner. This kinda sounds like the insanity stage. By the way all stages are available to all who are touched by it. White pages of your local telephone book under A is where you will find the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number and you will find the meeting places and times were we get together in your area and you might even get a number to a live person to talk to. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Jerry F speaks so much wisdom as usual. And the other posters too. The bottom line is that you do not have to make him understand anything -- and in fact you can't make him understand. His is writing the "change back" emails that are the usual response from an A when anything changes, however healthy the changes are. Whenever any of us change, those around us who are invested in the old ways put a huge amount of "Change back!" pressure on us. The tools of manipulation are so familiar to me from my own experience: "You must not love me," "I don't know why you're doing this but I love you...", "You know I've always tried to be there for you" [except the many times I was drunk and did horrendous things and refused to go into recovery!], etc etc. A man who would spoil his son's graduation party by attacking another man with a 2x4 -- and not even reflect on it afterwards enough to go into recovery -- is not a man who can be making promises about how much his love drives him.
It took me a long time to look at my A's actions, not his words. His words were always just what you would want to hear. They were not followed up by his actions. I realized that his words were meant to keep both of us, him and me, in denial.
But anyway, the bottom line is that you don't have to convince him that you're doing the right thing. And as long as he sees that you won't move ahead until he's convinced, the longer he'll stop you by making it clear that he's unconvinced.
It sounds to me as if, like me, you're on the fence about whether you can actually stand the process of leaving. I was terrified to be on my own. Absolutely terrified. I had all kinds of logical reasons why this wasn't the right time to leave and that wasn't really bad enough to make me leave, but the secret was that I was terrified. He was my addiction and I thought I couldn't make it without him. The good thing was that when I finally did leave, I did it after a lot of calm thought and planning, not in the heat of the moment. To my surprise, I felt fine, and ever since have continued to feel fine. It is such a relief to be out of the line of fire. My own recovery, still a work in progress, has accelerated. It's amazing how much I had frightened myself.
Hi, I am new here and I have been reading so many posts but your's was like I was reading my lfe. I have been with my AGF for 12 years and she is just like that, when she is sober she is always talking about how much she loves me and how she couldn't live without me and then as soon as she gets drunk it's all about how much she hates me and how I make her life miserable and she is always saying how she is going to move out but she never leaves,and by the next morning it's like she doesn't remember a thing she said to me, at first I would argue with her about it but now it's like why bother, I just act like nothing happen either, Is that the right thing to do? Now the weekend is coming up and once again I will have to watch everything I say just to make sure not to cause a fight, which is hell for me after she drinks a few beers, and that is a every day thing. So yes I can relate to the Dr Jekle and Hyde.It truely makes me feel like I'm going crazy.I am going to my first meeting tomorrow as long as I can get away and just reading all the posts here, has really helped me get through the days.Take care of you and god bless!!
It always amazes me how clever the alcoholic mind works some how it becomes poor me and your the problem sheeeeeeesh.. you have a right to tell him how you feel about his drinking and how it affects you then let it go , dont expect it to change anything its just important that you speak up . by your silence he is assuming that what hes doing is okay with you. If your not already please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand . Louise
