The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ABF has been locked up for 34 days now. Numerous times he's told me he signed up for AA. He said normally it takes a bit of time to get "approved" to go. Which I understand. He said that last week they didn't call him for it. So, stupid me, looked tonight... you can pull up the detention list and see where each inmate is.... it will list sick, kitchen duty, AA, etc.... I know the day/time because I've seen signs posted during visitation.
So 40 inmates are in AA right now. (good for them ) Guess who is NOT? I don't even know why I looked! Was it the part of me that wants to ask him why he didn't go and wait to hear him lie? Other inmates in his "pod" are there. So his B.S. of "they didn't call us" won't be true. I KNOW I can't control it... but it's sad to see he just hasn't changed.
I'm sad and frustrated now. Sick to my stomach as well.
__________________
~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Please try not to be so hard on yourself for checking. Many of us have played detective (and still reluctantly do from time to time) You are aware that you can't control and that is most of the battle. I try to remind myself now that when it is time for me to know something, I'll find out...but it is hard to practice. "Live and Let Live" also helps me get over those moments.
It's disappointing all right -- but having realistic expectations is part of the process, isn't it? It was really hard for me at first to figure out when to believe my A and when to take his statements with a grain of salt. But personally I wouldn't feel bad about the fact that you checked on your A. When they swear they're trying to go into recovery but somehow they just can't, I think some healthy skepticism is in order. So now, sadly, you know where things stand. Dwelling on it instead of putting the focus on you would be a wrong step, but knowing it is not a wrong step. They give us so many chances to practice healthy detachment, don't they?
-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 4th of August 2011 07:49:20 PM
ELEKTRAWMN. This is a "Don't look...stay out of his business practice". Next practice? Go on about your business...not anyone elses. This does certainly sound like a first step exercise. Call someone in program and talk to them before talking with him if you even choose to. He does what he does...what are you going to do? That's a CG thought and suggestion...and it does work. (((((hugs)))))
Wow Hi there. I read this post to see what other people had to say and again I am sure you guys are speaking to me as well as elektrawmn. To you, elektrawmn, I am with you on the 'looking'. As I have said before, my current partner is a cannabis smoker, not an alcoholic, but the essence is the same. Every day I look to see if he has smoked. Every day I check if his pipe is moved or used. Every day I ring him to hear what his voice is like, or look at his eyes to try to guess if he was stoned today.
Every day I say... why am I doing this to myself????
It makes no difference except I KNOW when I am being lied to. I can imagine when I am being lied to, I can think I have been lied to, but for me I NEED to KNOW I have been lied to.... WHY??? Do I like hurting myself over and over again???? I must because I keep doing it.
I am trying so very hard now to take it a step out of the reaction. I find it hard to stop checking, however I try not to have a reaction to it. I have the knowledge and try not to associate that with any emotion. When I look in his pipe drawer, I see facts not feelings. I am trying to react to him depending on my mood. If I am in a good mood then I will react happily to him, and he has lied to me. If I am in a bad mood I will stay quiet, and he has lied to me.
I am not sure I am explaining myself very well. I basically am trying to stop checking up on him, but doin it in stages. I have tried to look wihtout the emotional attachment and carry on MY day despite the lie.
I can't change it, I didn't cause it..... at this point I want to accept it. I do not succeed often. I still feel hurt but I am working on it.
I hope this helps a bit just to let you know yo uare not out there alone in this.
Take what you like out of this post because I"m a bit different on this.
My A's stuff is posted online through the courts, gotta love the courts if you know what you are looking for. Right, wrong for me is the emotional response I get, do I get angry and resentful then no I don't need to do it. I have to deal with the fallout and I can't stress that enough, it's not on my A at all in that I choose to do it. For me it was the right thing to do because at least I knew what was going on. I made a DEF decision and have followed through and will continue to follow through NOT to say anything. Also when I looked I had no emotional response outside of relief because having a court thing hang over my head for 11 months and NO information, AH was not asking questions and I couldn't even email the lawyer to ask. I was totally shut out.
At least I could look and be prepared mentally for what was going on and not be in the abyss of not knowing. I have no rights to jump him about it and I took that responsibility knowing I couldn't say anything or take my anger out on him. Not saying anything was a tricky one however I have become ok with not saying what I know about every thing. Knowing there was a court date and waiting for an update got easier as well. I didn't need to check everyday as it only changed once or twice a month when a court date would come. Delay, delay,, delay some more 13x it was delayed .. lol. At least his dad got his monies worth out of the lawyer. Good grief.
I have no idea if that makes sense or not, for me it worked, I don't know that I would have made it the last 11 months waiting and wondering. My AH had completely and is still shut down over this. Ironically, he's come to me and said oh the courts post things online .. ok hon, that's good you can follow it. That is my response. I don't engage him further. Now that this part is over he's looking .. LOL .. the great ironies of the world. I have not said anything about the website about looking or even asking about the lawyer.
If my A was telling me he was in AA and he was not, I think that's a good tune for where he is and what his actions are and I have confirmation that he really is as sick as I suspected and it's even more important for me to put the focus back on myself and get healthy.
Again, I'm an odd duck that way and again it worked for me, it's something that not everyone can do or agrees with. For me knowing far outweighs the fact of having a bomb dropped on me. I really believe I'm coming from a motivation of protection for myself and the kids.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I actually agree with you Pushka... I'm better off knowing. Not knowing ANYthing makes me insane! LOL Part of the codependency I guess. But do we just accept the fact that they'll probably lie? We shouldn't engage or react... but does that give them the satisfaction of knowing they got away with it once again?
When he called, I simply said... "You didn't get to go to AA tonight?" He responded that they didn't call him and he didn't know why. So I left it at that... there is a chance he's telling the truth... it IS jail afterall... It wasn't worth the arguement.
He should be getting out Wednesday. We'll see what kind of effort is made. He is still saying he's done with the drinking, that he wants no part of it. Asked me to make sure all the alcohol is out of the house and asked me not to bring any in when he gets home. Again... we'll see. Hopes are up but expectations, not so much.
__________________
~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Trust me when I say as much as we (well me I shouldn't generalize .. lol) want to be judge and jury about what they do and don't get away with, I'm sooooo struggling with this right now. I've had to stop and ask myself what is my A getting in return. He doesn't feel satisfied he's "gotten away" with anything the truth is, it's shame, guilt, not taking personal responsibility, I know what I have shouldered on my own in those feelings. What my A feels or his denial is keeping him from feeling what a horrible load to carry. I didn't walk into alanon I crawled, .. my emotional baggage train was sooooo long and heavy as I pulled it through the doors. I can't imagine what other people do to themselves.
So I don't look at is as if he's happy he got away with something I see it as another load he's carrying in his baggage train, what a heavy load that can be, I hope he finds it in himself (both of our A's) to unload all of that because it's no way to live life. Or I should say it's not the way I want to live mine. I'm working hard on lightening my load, I'm getting older and when I cross over I want the chains of my own making to be as light as possible. :)
I do want to caution that I'm not combing through things to catch my A in a lie. I'm finding out information that affects my family in the long run. It is not going to change the fact we are going to be out 4k by the time this is all said and done. I at least knew when it was coming and for me that gave me comfort. Once I knew my answer/s I have chosen to just allow things to play out in HP's time.
Hugs, P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Friday 5th of August 2011 09:47:00 AM
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Gentle mirror approach here.... Here are three lines from your two posts on this subject...
1. I am better off knowing
2. I'm sad and frustrated now
3. Sick to my stomach as well
When I look at these three statements of yours, you can't have all three be true... If #1 were true, then how can #2 and #3 be?? I am not trying to be anything except a sounding board for you here - many times, in OUR situations, we go looking for information that does not help us in any way, and keeps us both enmeshed in their disease, AND prevents us from getting ourselves healthy. Your item #1 kind of flies in the face of 'detachment', don't you think?
We can rationalize away why we do certain things, and goodness knows I did most of them as well, but I did have to learn, over time, that there were some things that were outside of my control, AND of my business. His recovery is just that - HIS.
Food for thought
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks T.... .when I say "I'm better off knowing"... that's because NOT knowing, wondering would eat me up alive... my anxiety would be through the roof.... More sad and frustrated because I realize he probably never even signed up for AA to begin with. Sick to my stomach because I'm afraid of what will happen when he gets home.
A whole bag of emotions just spilled out at once. I am in more control of MYSELF now.... I didn't push the subject when i talked to him and basically dropped it.
Thanks again for your insight! I DO have to keep reminding myself none of this, MY recovery, or HIS for that matter, will happen overnight.
__________________
~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
When I am "checking" on my A, I am totally in my disease. At least now if I do it, I know I am doing it and I stop doing it. It doesn't lead to any good anyway. When I am keeping my focus on me, I feel better. So that is what I keep trying to do :) HUGS! Take care of you
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
) Guess who is NOT? I don't even know why I looked! Was it the part of me that wants to ask him why he didn't go and wait to hear him lie? Other inmates in his "pod" are there. So his B.S. of "they didn't call us" won't be true. I KNOW I can't control it... but it's sad to see he just hasn't changed.