sober but...sick? - Al-Anon Family Group

rara avis · Senior Member

sober but...sick?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Rara,

I don't know how much of an insight this is however this is my experience.

Just because an addict isn't doing their high of choice doesn't mean they underlying issues are done and over with. Just like us they have to work their program in order for the program to work for them. I'm hearing from your post that there is an issue with taking personal responsibility and in denial over what is going on with the business. I kind of thought that is what AA was for as far as working a program any program. We continue to take inventory and deal with life basically as it comes up.

My A doesn't drink however he doesn't work a program either. It's so sad to me because I have a sober version of the drunk him. Instead of drinking to deal with emotions or disappointments he hides at work (he uses his work as deflection as well). Instead of dealing with his emotions when he's at home he deflects and points fingers. He has the mood swings, anger and so on. I really try not to take it personally. The only thing I can do is put the focus on me. I need to be mentally and emotionally healthy for me to make good decisions and continue to put the things I am unsure about give those to my HP.

It won't work if you don't work it. The nice thing is it does if you do. :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rara Welcome to MIP

I hear you and understand exactLy what is going on You are not alone.

We who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as few others can. Alanon face to face meetings have helped me deal with this exact issue. Meetings, learning new tools focusing on myself, remembering to permit myself to LIVE and Let lIVE SAVED MY SANITY.

We are powerless over people, places and things

l Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Please keep coming back You are not alone

rara avis · Senior Member

Thanks everyone, every bit helps!

I did drive to a meeting, rang the doorbell, but when no-one came I figured it was broken. Then at home I looked up the meeting again and found out it had been in a different church 1 block farther north. I think that had been my HP's way of telling me to go home and eat take out thai food! ;)

Seriously though, you guys are helping my sanity. Blessings

rara avis

lasthope · Veteran Member

Rara Avis your words could be mine exactly. My drug/alcoholic husband is emotionally unavailable whether he's impaired or not. He's either gone or gone.

On another topic post someone said she had reduced her expectations to nil and someone else said that present expectations are future resentments. My H spends what little time he spends with me because he thinks he's supposed to I think, not for friendship or companionship. Even after we have sex, he immediately announces that he's hungry and jumps up to go to the refrigerator. So I feel lonely ALL the time even though I'm married to someone other people view as successful and charming. Our life doesn't have a comfortable rhythym that a healthy family would. My knots in the stomach and anxiety come from that absence I think. The longer we've been married the more I understand why. If honesty is the first casualty of addiction, then rhythm is the second. When a family's core is mental illness, rhythm, relationship and companionship become irrelevant.

Could your husband be a narcissist? My understanding is that the piece that a narcissist is missing is the relationship piece. They just don't care about relationship. Your expectations lead to pain, as mine have for nine years. Alanon is helping clarify it for me. It still hurts but I'm beginning to get the why. One way I'm working to "boundary up" is to expect nothing because expecting normalcy from a human being who has a full blown psychiatric illness is futile.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.