The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just feel like I`am getting now where in the program. Like I haven`t changed an a bit. Been reacting to my daughter this week and my grandaughter. Not sure how much more I can take. She is becoming her mother! I`ve been going to lots of meetings but I must be a stubborn bull head because I`am not working this program. I still react. For example. Daughter has another new job this week and had to be ther by 5:00. I knew gd would be here before that if she had to be in work by 5:00. I had dinner all set and by 4:50 I called and as soon as daughter picked up the phone she was screaming at me and hung up on me. What do I do? Call her back and start screaming at her and hang up. I can`t stop reacting. Last week she was absolutely horrid to me. Coincidently I mentioned to my mother that I`am having a hard time with my gd and I told her what she (my daughter) put in this childs head about me. My mother was livid. She said, no wonder why the kid is giving you a hard time. Its not even the truth. My mother called my daughter and yelled at her and called her a bad mother. My daughter called me back with all this evil, about how she will get back at me unless my mother apologizes. I was not to see gd anymore either. I was very upset to say the least. This lasted a couple days until she needed a babysitter. Now I`am back babysitting. She told the child (my gd) its all HER fault that great grandma is mad at her. Always placing the blame on someone else and its this poor child now. My gd is back to treating me fresh again. I tell her that she is acting like her mom and she is not happy with that. But I`am not sure what to do. She sees two therapists and I asked her about talking with them about they way she is feeling lately. She confided in me last night that she is feeling that her mother really does not love her and that all her mother really cares about is her latest boyfriend. As for the therapist, my gd feels that both of them take my daughters side and they make excuses for her. She doesnt trust either one of them. My d has them in the palm of her hand. This morning the child was on the phone with her mother and she was mad that so n so was not picking her up off the bus from camp so she hung up on her. The next thing that happened was the phone rang, the child answered it and the mother didn`t say a word but hung up on the 7 year old to get the last hang up on her. This little girl has all the issums. Its scaring me to death. I know about the 3 ccc`s and that I could be a better example but thats the part thats killing me. I`am NOT any better. I yell, I react and do all the things I should not do. I feel in part to blame for her issums. I`am so angry with myself that I don`t work this program better. Maybe its not for me. Really questioning it all right now. I desperately want to help this child. How can I if I fail her? The system has failed her. She trusts no one.She is soo hard to deal with. All mouth but yet so innocent inside. Her mother was soo envious of the relationship we (gd & I) had that she wanted to make me out to be not good in my gd eyes so she told her a lie. I`ve tried to tell her otherwise but I don`t know if she believes anything anymore. I know this is long.. but the pain in the child goes on and I don`t know what to do. I know I`am virually powerless unless I change and obviously I`am not. She can and has been making my life miserable with the way she treats me. I told her, I will always love her But I may not be able to put up with her much longer if she doesn`t stop. She thinks with her whole heart and soul that when I yell and get mad, that I don`t love her no matter how much I try to explain its her behavior I don`t like, not her. Help!! Any suggestions appreciated.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 4th of August 2011 05:20:27 PM
Samsgram - you are asking for suggestions and help, but citing throughout your post that you are not following your program, and not doing the things to find recovery (along with peace, serenity, and improved relationships with those around you) for YOU.
Choosing recovery, for you, is the best and most effective to get off this roller coaster of emotions you are experiencing. You can only change YOU, and I promise you that if you make a concerted effort to YOUR recovery, things will get better.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Its not that I don`t try to follow it. I really do. I just feel like I must not be doing it, or doing it right. Something I`am doing or NOT doing because I`am not getting it. Can you understand this? I go to soo many meetings. Read the material. Try daily to turn it over but admittingly take it back as many do. Why do I not change? Or am I changing but not enough? I just " feel" like I must not be following it.
Well, if you're anything like me, you are struggling with fully accepting and embracing step one..... Once I FINALLY let go of the misguided concept, that I could control my then AW, or others - and learned that the only person I could really control was myself, things DID seem to get better. So many of our struggles, in my opinion, all come back to step one, and our 'expectations' that go with it.... My sage advice - I read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, about twenty times (minimum). I am as stubborn as they come, and don't change or admit defeat easily.... I had a wise old sponsor who kept me on track, and got my focus more onto me....
"Letting go" is very hard, and I do not profess to be any kind of expert..... If your g/d is not in physical danger, which I surmise from the majority of your posts she is not - maybe you need to let go of the "grip" you think you have, or want to have on her. The reality, and I say this with honesty and kindness - that "grip" was a fallacy in the first place....
We all have to let certain things go, in order to achieve our stated goals of serenity and a peaceful existence.... If nothing else, if you can get a solid program of recovery under your belt, you will be in a significantly better place to deal with any issues that your daughter and/or granddaughter may present to you, but first things first. I get the sense that you are in that never-ending merry-go-round right now, and you are getting dizzy..... Time to step off, and regain your balance.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Maybe you are on to something about letting go of GD.. I can let go of daughter but I don`t know if your a grandparent or not. Maybe you have to be in these shoes. I have been living with her from the day she was born. Had custody of her for a time. I`am with her more than her mother. Her mother has abused her many times. She does not but her clothes. Her clothes are two sizes too small so I end up buying her clothes to wear. My grandaughter begs me not to leave her and crys at times when I have to go home. Now in all honesty, I do NOT think I control this child but I do feel like I would be abandoning her. I do feel like you are right about the merry go round. I just don`t have it in me to bail out .. maybe one day I will be able to but for now. I will have to keep turning it over.
It is sad Sam but you really have no control over this situation. I hear how mad you are and it is justifiable anger, but through working the program (I am assuming Alanon is the same as AA in this regard) we learn that justifiable anger is unhealthy for us too.
There are many negative things going on. It is likely there will be damage caused to your granddaughter from her mother's drinking. It is likely your daughter will put crazy ideas in her head. It is likely your daughter will keep drinking.
You are powerless over all of these things. The best thing you can do to minimize the damage is keep your own side of the street clean and that is by keeping reasonable boundaries, not reacting, responding out of love and not fear...and not allowing these things to make YOU act insane.
Acceptance is the answer. Your daughter's disease is horrid. The repercussions of it are horrid. Once you truly accept it and relinquish the power over trying to control outcomes that you cannot control, you will then start living in the solution and be more in tune for your HP's will for you.
Don't feel bad. This stuff takes lots of practice because most of us were not raised to have faith and to live in a state of gratitude like the program emphasizes.
When I get upset and find that I need more than what is inside me, I reach out to someone on the phone list and work it through together... understanding my boundaries and what I am responsible for on my side of the street. The longer I stay connected to Alanon the more things make sense.
I have to agree with the other responses here. Samsgram, I see you come on here and post about what is going on in the chaos of your life, but I don't see you posting to any other posters here. What I have learned is that inorder for me to "GET" this program, I have to give it back to the group. If I continuously take and take and don't give back, I don't get better. My sponsor is always telling me that I help her because she gets to help me. WHAT? Yes it is so true. When we give it away, when we serve new comers and help out in the meetings, we get it and get better. Finding a sponsor and calling her, calling others from the meetings, writing in a journal reading the book Getting them Sober about 100 times, and then trying to apply the things there have helped me. Also reading the AA big book. That can be found online to read for free if you google it, you can find a PDF version to read. It helped me figure out that it really is a disease that we all have. You are totally in your addiction to your daughter. You are just as addicted to her as she is to alcohol. You are addicted to the chaos. That actuall happens. You need to detach to feel better. Its not easy, but it gets easier. When we are sick, we obsess with the person that we are addicted to. You are right your grand daughter needs protection, but with everyone yelling at everyone, how is that healthy either? This disease can go on for generations. You need to be the change you want to see in this whole thing. Let it begin with you !!!!!!!!!!!! Take care of you. HUGS
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks You, wow that really made me feel badly. I do post when I can identify with a posters post. Most of the posters are speaking of their dh`s or significant other if you notice. Its not intentional. I`am part of the admin. for another support group for women who are ill and I have not been able to post there do to my illness in the past 6 months. When I have a better day or moment or two I just might find some time to post something on my own group. I find little time in a day to read the internet never mind post. I`am dancing as fast as I can to keep up with my life by getting to meetings and living with a chronic illness, in pain 24/7..and taking caring of gd.. Sorry if I`am neglecting anyone..Its never been my intent.
I just wanted to point out that I don't think Tom meant for you to not see your gd. He meant to let go of all the drama that surrounds her and her mother.
I may be wrong, but I've known children in this situation to play people against eachother and embellish or tell things they know will create chaos. It's like they want to see who cares about them more by doing so.
What if instead of people yelling and hanging up etc. if you took control and refused to attend the fight? Obviously the fighting hasn't done anything to change things. The fighting IS the merry-go-round. Round and round, nothing changes.
I recently made plans to fly in to surprise my son at his CD release show (he's in a band). I kept the secret for 3 mo. I imagined how fun it would be to mingle in the crowd until he noticed me. Just before I left I found out that he had known I was coming for several mo. So much for that 800 mile surprise. I knew who told him and I was really hurt that the person spoiled it. BUT, I chose not to say a word to that person. The damage was done and I saw no point in starting a family war.
You can refuse to be sucked in, refuse to attend the fights, refuse to even comment. It's not only good for your serenity, it also brings everyone else's anger down a knotch. Think of how the situation would've gone if you had done nothing, or said to gd "Is that so?"...then let it go.
Remember JADE? Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. I would think it would be better for your gd to see you as the calm island in the storm. She would benefit by watching you and perhaps learn that she doesn't need to react.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention. I was only trying to say that this program of spirituality works when we give back to others and by posting it helps you feel better. I try to apply this to all my affairs and again I humbly apologize if I offended you. Take care, Peace and blessings.
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
We all do the best that we can do. If I fall down I've got to pick myself up, dust myself off and put my focus back into the program and what it means to me. To stop being a door mat you gotta get up off the floor and to stop being a victim you have to accept whatever personal responsibility is there and move forward. Personally I stumble around in the dark, run into a couple of walls, maybe trip over the coffee table, before I find the light switch that's right in front of me, that's just me :)
The biggest two things I've really learned is quit taking it personally and I love the JADE, I need to remember that one big time, Justify Argue Defend or Explain. When I stopped reacting and started owning what I could and couldn't control (which I can only control myself). Things did start to change. Just like the saying goes and I've always thought this was so corny, however it's so totally true, it works if you work it and you are so worth it. :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sam, what you have to share could be even more important that people talking about their alcoholic spouses. They can always make the choice to leave. You cannot divorce your daughter (though I suppose you could disown her)....Anyhow, when you work this program and share what works, your story will have that much more power because your qualifier is your own child and that resonates with people.
Progress not perfection, I still have reactions especially to my exAH in situations that hit my triggers. The difference now is my reactions fit the situation and express my feelings about them ... they are appropriate. Part of that process was learning to recognize when my reactions and other's actions were inappropriate. Awareness of those moments brings new challenges and goals to put my focus on, to find ways in which I can live peacefully in the situation. This is not an easy path but neither is the alternative and there are great rewards on the journey. KISS (keep it simple stupid), JADE (do not justify, argue, defend or explain), WIMP (what is my part) and QTIP (quit taking it personal) all helped me greatly in this area.
Your comment about "stubborn bull head" made me smile. My grandpa was a fisherman and he loved catching those bullheads. I would watch him cleaning the fish and he would comment on how sweet a girl I was to hang out with him while cleaning those stinky fish and get stung while helping. And then he would add you're just a stubborn ole bullhead like me not letting anyone drag you off to do other things. Or something on that order :) Now about being a stubborn bullhead .... when I am going in the wrong direction and fighting the line 100%, it stinks. But when my stubborn bullhead attitude finally gets something it is set and with a little practice becomes second nature. Most qualities have a positive and negative aspect.
Youfoundme's post really got my thoughts going. I used the slogans and program to get the snowball rolling. But when I started to identify with others situations and understand how the steps, slogans and principles of AlAnon could be used to fit so many areas of life it was like a runaway snowball growing every day. Alcoholism, addiction and all the ism's that go along with them create the same chaos in everyone around it. Just the names, faces and details are unique. Some of my most valued ESH has come from fellow members who's stories are not similar to mine at all but their journey and how they use the tools has guided me to serenity.
I hope you are feeling better today. I think the heat has made my condition flare up a bit so i have decided it is a take care of me and my home environment day :) Remember progress not perfection, keep working it.
Just feel like I`am getting now where in the program. Like I haven`t changed an a bit.