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I am trying to detach from my AH, because we are fighting all the time anyway. I have been super quiet the last few days, since a big blow up on the weekend and only talk to him when I have to. He said to me at one point "why don't you just shutup for about 5 years", which hurt me and so I have pulled back majorly. But he is reacting worse instead of better. I want him to know I am distanced because I am working on my codependence and don't want to fight. But I know it will just start another fight if I try to tell him. Anytime I try to talk to him, he interrupts and yells over me. I wonder if he is thinking, she's caniving, plotting, cheating,... because I am so quiet and withdrawn. His behavior indicates he is feeling more insecure and threatened. He has been to counseling and was working on the codependence and his drinking himself, but I think that has lapsed. After his accusing me and being beligerant last night, I told him calmly "you need to leave" and he said, Well, I'm not going to. How do I detach lovingly when I am so mad and hurt? I want to be civil but don't want anything else to start up. I need the peace to work on me and the reflection time.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. Words hurt and I've had to do two things consider the source and stop taking what is said personally. It's easy to say and hard to put into practice. I know without question that whatever pain I am in that my A is there as well. Why kick a guy just because I can?
Health detachment to me, pretty much is summed up by minding my side of the street and allowing my AH to deal with his stuff. I choose my actions to different situations in my life vs allowing the knee jerk reaction of my own old tapes to kick in or out as the case may be. :) I don't have to allow his moods, tantrums or unhealthy behavior to dictate how the rest of my day is going to be. Even if he's having a good day I don't have to react to that, it's my day, my emotions, my choices. I can choose to be happy for him that he's having a good day, however he's free to have a good day as much as I am even if I"m not having my own good day. I don't have to have a bad day just because he's having a bad day.
I also don't have to hide in my own house because he's having a bad day. I can say good morning with a smile on my face and he can choose his own actions/reactions to what I have to say. If he wants a fight I can choose not to participate by saying "You may be right." and walking away to busy myself with something I need to do. Or I have simple told him "I'm sorry you feel that way." I've made a choice for my own sanity not to get sucked into his unhealthy behavior.
I also don't have to be mean or cruel about it, I just don't have to fight back. I have found most people loose interest in a fight when they are fighting by themselves. It's just not as much fun. I have to try not to laugh out loud because how silly someone has to look fighting with themselves, seriously can you imagine HBO putting a fight on tv with one fighter? Who's going to pay to see that?
That's detachment for me. The ability to recognize my own thoughts and feelings, and act according to them vs reacting to my perceived impression of others thoughts and feelings.
Take what you like, Hugs, P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Thursday 4th of August 2011 02:33:18 PM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I struggle with this idea, too. I have managed to do it before...by not reacting, centering myself, and offering kind words, but I can't seem to be consistent. I have had glimmers of partial understanding of what the A is going through and feeling compassion, but then it seems to be replaced with anger and resentment before I know what hit me. I am still struggling. For the most part, I practiced detachment with *anger* and that didn't work well at all.
But like you, I do acknowledge that I need peace and for me and that is why I keep coming back to meetings.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I will keep trying and doing what I'm doing but also focus on not being curt or short. It is just so darn hard because he tends to be so condescending. I feel this animosity no matter what I say or do.
I think the book "Getting them Sober" can give you some good ideas. Of course no one gets to healthy detachment over night. There is a lot of not taking things personally. There is a lot of quandry in there in the beginning, middle and end of getting this skill right. Funny how all of us want to jump to expert. None of us are comfortable being a beginner at anything are we?
Healthy detachment is when you don't care to the point that is is driving you insane and ruining your life.
I suggest going to lots of Alanon meetings and being very active in the program. Through this you will begin to focus on your new friends in the fellowship. You will branch out....socialize, and develop more independence (to combat codependence). You will essentially stop thinking about your AH and what he is thinking and doing all the time because you will be busy doing your own thing. It does not mean that you don't care about him. It just means you care about you more. It means you life life and enjoy the good things it has to offer regardless. You will start to detach when you can focus on what joy you can squeeze out of today instead of the muck of sickness and problems that belong to your husband and that are caused by his drinking. Get out and start "doing!" It is a waste of time to sit around and wonder what your alcoholic husband is thinking and what he will think if you say "xyz" and so on and so forth....By doing all that hyperfocusing on the problem, you make it worse for yourself. When you start focusing on you, what you enjoy, what you can do to make you happy on a daily basis, that is when you start to detach. Whether or not this betters your relationship with your AH or whether it ends the relationship is irrelevant because this recovery is about YOU and not him.
So...Alanon has the keys to let yourself out of this prison of self-bondage. You have to be the one to use them.
P.S. I know this sounds like a load of advice and it kind of is...but it is what I have seen the program do for folks in both alanon and AA from my own experience. It also has been what I experienced in moving past the relationship I had with my ex-A. It took a long time to develop self-interests and start to make myself happy rather than automatically focusing on the relationships I had and expecting them to create all my happiness.
I could relate to so much of what you wrote. My AH is extremely condescending and insulting. It does make it hard because they know your buttons and boy, they're no afraid to push them at just the opportune time. They are masters at this. (IMHO...)
For me, practicing non-reactivity is tied up with my ability to detach. I don't believe that if you are married to an active drinker that you can always detach with compassion. We're not Mother Teresa and she probably couldn't do it either. Allowing for silent moments between you and your AH is something new you are doing and it's powerful. Just don't expect to get validation from him! Do it for you and give yourself a pat on the back.
Insights from working the program that have helped me:
1) Visualizing a rope between us. He says something insulting, ie pulls the rope and ideally I drop it right away. I don't respond, or I respond with something very neutral. (Oh!, or "You may be right", or "let me get back to you on that!") The last thing I want to do is hang myself with that rope again and again like so many times.
2) Visualizing my husband and his own Higher Power. I'm in the middle when I'm reactive, I'm creating a shadow and I don't want to stand in the way of his HP working with him. I also want the last thing he said to echo in his brain, not the last thing I said. I'm commited to this!
3) Paying attention to HALT. When I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired I am at risk and I need to be extra careful.
4) Progress not perfection. I'm human and I will never be perfect. When I slip up, I just get right back on track. I start out each day reminding myself that I will not react to anything that I perceive as mean or irritating. I just won't do it. (To my best ability.) It's getting easier and we're having less of these scuffles. And believe me they were awful for 14 years!
5) I call an Alanon friend or my sponsor and celebrate my victories or talk about what I could do differently next time.
6) When my AH does something thoughtful or neutral (and he does) I thank him and I try very had not to withold. This is what I want more of, right? (My sponsor strongly recommends this.)
7) If I owe amends for something rude I did, and it's something I can own, I make sure I am VERY specific with my apology and what it is specifically for. This is really important bc I think my AH would love it if I would grovel every day!
These are what come to my mind...oh...one more THINK! Before you say or do anything practice taking a breath and giving yourself space to think about a response or action. You can always say, let me get back to you on that. My AH loves to create urgency and then make fun of me when I get flustered. Nice!
Good luck to you and wishing you increasingly more peaceful moments!
The things that have helped me to start detaching are: The book Getting Them Sober, the AA big book, going to MEETINGS in real time and getting a sponsor. When I did these things I was better able to "get" detachment. I have learned that I need to remember: DON'T REACT and REMAIN CALM! Also to say what I mean, mean what I say but don't say it mean. Also to QTIP=quit taking it personally. I took everything personally before alanon. Now I am getting better and better at not doing that.
Meetings, sponsor, alanon literature, Getting Them Sober and those slogans are helping me to detach with love...
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Healthy detachment for me is when I am living my own life and being responsible for my own choices and outcomes and "everybody else" has the opportunity to do the very same thing with out me involved. If I'm still enabling my insanity I'm not detached. I'm attached to some person, place or thing which is a power greater than myself or my God. (((((hugs)))))
Wow - such great advice here - GreenK-- I think we are married to the same man. I am going to get the book "geeting them sober" this weekend, hopefully on my kindle. I am going to make myself be still and not react. And I am going to work on acknowledging the positives in my AH. And I am going to work on not taking it personally if he seems to condescend, or ignore me. The weekends are the hard time because there is just more time together. I want to offer up to him the opportunity to do what I have planned or want to do, and then to be okay with it if he refuses. Today's Courage to Change was so fitting for me. It was about releasing anger and resentment. I find myself resenting my AH and blaming him for the chaos in our lives and now even for the mistakes our kids are making. But I do see now that when he seems to be distant, condescending or rude, it may be his reaction to all my years of being angry and confrontational with him. I have to own that too.
