The material presented
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I am a completely sober - never really have had much to drink - person. I started dating a guy I've known since grade school in early February. I knew right away he drank too much. His family even cautioned me about his drinking. I didn't like it and really didn't feel like the relationship would last long.
A month and a half after we were dating (and I was really not sure where it would go - but I DID care a lot about him), he landed in the hospital with DT's and a heart rate of 155 and nearly died 3 times. I stood by his side the entire time. His only word he spoke was my name. We walked through his initial recovery together. We were completely honest with each other going forward and things were good. He will tell you he has NO desire to drink - he credits God for taking that from him. After 20 years of being an Alcoholic to not even crave a drink has GOT to be God. He will tell you that and so would I.
We live two hours apart and, while the distance was incredibly hard for him, for me it kept the boundaries up I felt we needed and gave him the space to work his program (which he does every day). We were getting closer and closer with the foundation of a 30+year friendship to support it. I have some health problems myself and that seemed to really worry him. He worried about losing me and worried he would be "too active" for me.
We went on a vacation together and grew even closer. We were about to celebrate his 130th day of sobriety - it was day 129 and I didn't hear from him. I knew something was up - he finally called to say he just "didn't feel he could continue with my health problems." We had never even argued. We had amazing communication - up until this point. It was like I was suddenly a total nobody to him. He has said he's sorry over and over - but he's "made his decision." I KNOW he love(s/d) me. I know him. I asked him if he talked to his Sponsor about it. He said he had (in fact his Sponsor was the ONLY person he spoke to - our mutal close friends had NO idea - neither did his close personal friends or his family - EVERYONE was stunned because our relationship "appeared" to be working and was so happy and he was healing.) He said his Sponsor told him to "do what feels good to you."
After a ton of crying, pain, confusion on my part - silence on his - he wrote me to say he put his guard up so he wouldn't get closer and ended it. I am completely lost and heartbroken. I miss my friend. I miss my boyfriend. He still is sober - but I fear he has just moved on to a different relationship that is "nearby" because that's what fills his emptiness. I pray for him all the time. I pray for healing for him. I pray he will come to realize I care enough to support him through his illness that won't go away - and I pray he will one day reciprocate in kind.
Is this typical / normal alcoholic in sobriety behavior? Am I kidding myself that he will ever come back? I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I know God is driving this and I know recovering Alcoholics CAN move on and become "normal" people - recovery CAN'T be first - God MUST be first. Recovery - can be second but there must be some sort of balance somewhere to where two people can have a relationship and love each other. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I'm trying to take care of me. I went to a counselor today and will continue to go to my local Al-Anon meetings. I just am lost.
I'm so sorry this is happening. You are doing absolutely the right thing in being spurred on to take even better care of yourself in these difficult circumstances.
Your relationship was thrown into incredible intimacy very fast by his hospitalization. That tends to be nirvana for us co-dependents because we worry so much about losing the person or about if the relationship is working out, etc. To feel needed and cared for so intensely so early in the relationship soothes those fears and makes it seem as if everything is going perfectly -- there are dangers out there, but the emotional world is intimate.
The trouble with those sudden starts is that we don't have time to get to know the other person before the intimacy gets so intense. Even knowing someone for years, as you have done, doesn't mean that you know their inner emotional world. That requires an intimate relationship. But in the time that you might have been slowly getting to know each other, you were necessarily in a much more intense situation. One where you didn't really have the space or opportunity to think, "He said this and that ... does that hold with my values? Does that suggest that he's emotionally mature?"
In my (all too extensive) experience, the first difficulties in the relationship begin to come out around the six-month mark. That's when people stop being ideal versions of themselves and their problems start showing up. That's when you get to know the real person. In a careful relationship, we won't have invested so much by the six-month mark that it will be devastating that they're not who we thought they were at the beginning. We can let go and move on. From everything I've seen, the mark of a healthy person who chooses healthy relationships isn't that they choose fabulous people from the get-go every time. It's that when a person reveals that they're dysfunctional, they move on easily. The co-dependents have a harder time moving on. Give us someone who pushes the right buttons and we'll hang on till doomsday. I've had to be peeled off people so unsuitable you wouldn't give them money under a bridge.
In addition to the sudden intimacy, you have a guy with a history of addiction (very dysfunctional, chaotic thinking), who was in early sobriety (more sober thinking but still all over the map), but who hasn't gotten a handle on sobriety (more chaos). I don't think anyone would say that his emotions and thinking are in a good place to be in a relationship with anyone, or in a good place to behave sanely to a partner.
It looks to me as if the six-month mark has revealed who he is, deep down. And the instruction I most wish I had believed, of all the instructions I disregarded over the years, is "When someone shows you who he is, believe him."
As to whether he's staying sober -- who knows? But it's important not to overestimate the chances. Statistically the odds are against it. So there is the possibility that you have dodged a bullet here.
This sounds like a wonderful chance to take good care of yourself and to find out more about how addiction, co-dependence, and recovery work. You are being so wise, as I see it, to see a counselor and keep up with your meetings -- and a sponsor?
It's so hard to believe that "Feelings Aren't Facts" -- that feeling someone is right for us doesn't always match up with who that person really is. When I do this -- often -- it's more about what I need than who the other person is. And as for where God stands in all this, it's funny how often we decide that God wants for us just what we want. What I really think is that the Higher-Power-of-our-understanding wants us to be healthy and take good care of ourselves. It sounds as if that's where you're headed. Hang in there and keep coming back. Hugs.
Glad you are here and welcome :) It sounds like you are going to alanon meetings which is awesome! I am not sure if you have a sponsor yet, but that is helping me and does a world of good to have someone to call that can help me get out of my own head. Remember the slogan live and let live? That sounds like a good one for this situation. Take your time in healing, you never know, it may play you that you two get back together after some time in recovery or not. Whatever happens is a mystery. But you taking care of you, is a must. I am learning to do this little by little. This board, and my meetings and sponsor are what I am using to get better from my life of chaos. Take care of you! Keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Dear KodakMoment, I can't add anything to what mattie has already posted to you. She said EXACTLY what i would want to say. It is worth reading over and over, in my opinion.
I really do think that, down the road, you may realize that you have dodged a bullet.
Alanon meetings offer the kind of support that you neeed right now. Keep coming back here also!
KM I agree with Otie and Mattie that you dodged a bullet. Now you are free to build a relationship with a normal healthy man rather than with one who has a psychiatric illness. Take the pain that you feel now and multiply it by thousands. That's the pain you would feel knowing that your choice caused your future children to suffer as the children raised in an alcoholic family always do.
BTW somewhere I heard that it's not what someone does for you that makes you love them but what you do for them. Could that explain why so many of us stay in alcoholic "relationships" in spite of the pain and loneliness?
Thank you for your responses. Honestly, I am not at a place right now where I believe I dodged a bullet. The thing is our relationship was absolutely "normal" after he went through his initial detox and started his AA program. HE was normal in the sense that he was kind and loving and we laughed and were completely open with each other. While I'm sure there are things I don't know about him and vice versa, for the most part I know his "dirt."
I'm not ready to give up on a relationship that was actually wonderful (we had our moments but we worked through them - that in itself is an amazing thing in my relationship history!) and honest. I'm looking for answers to what HE might be going through right now. I've read things on newly sober etc. but I just don't know what is really part of his AA program and what is not. Is it possible that his sponsor told him to sever the relationship? If so, why wouldn't he just tell me he needed to focus on his sobriety right now??
I don't have a lot of choice here but to do nothing other than try to take care of myself. I spend a lot of time praying and thinking -- and wishing he'd just miss me so much he'd call or text or SOMETHING. I don't understand how he could just end a 32 year friendship if nothing else.
I don't believe that walking away from a recovering alcoholic is always the answer. If they are working on themselves and truly working their program, seeking wise counsel, and STAYING sober, is there any reason for me NOT to try to be there for him? I'm no picnic either - I have my own baggage that he knows all about. And truly, I think he's just scared right now.
Please give me some advice on what I need to know about his stage of recovery and what he is going through. I've never been in a relationship with any person who has an addiction and I don't think I'm the type to behave co-dependently. I know better. I set boundaries with him during the relationship and he was very respectful of them. Neither of us liked the 2 hours between us but I felt it gave me space to tend to my teenage children (no - we would not ever have to deal with having children together) and him to deal with his recovery during the week.
If every alcoholic was considered a "bullet to dodge" how sad would that be???
