The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have received a lot of help through reading these posts, by everyone especially when I have been unable to attend F2F meetings. Although luckily for me I have went to 3 meetings this week, my bf has given up his job without consulting me, I told him that if he didnt go to work then he would have to leave, which I know wasnt the correct thing to do. He has now lost his job but through the help of alanon members and the f2f meetings I let go of any decisions that had to be made. Anyway after two days of me running away to alanon meetings (to focus on myself) he told me that he has messed up and asked for a second chance, he has decided to go and get some help? I have given him another chance, although I havent fully let go of the resentment.
I spoke to my sponsor who was a great help and at the beginning of the week I was sure that I wanted him to leave, now Im not so sure, we are going on a family holiday on monday and I havent told my family that he has lost his job.
My mum is in alanon and I seen her tonight and she has noticed that he hasnt been going to work, she was really annoyed at me for putting up with this, but I havent told her the full story as I need to deal with this on my own (am I in denial?). I had to tell my mum that she needs me to detach from me and allow me to follow my own path, as I am her daughter its difficult for her to do this. I need to hear alanon now, I am worrying and fearful of the future and I am struggling to properly let go....does anyone have any suggestions.
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jules
god grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.....keep coming back....:-)
Continue with your sponsor and attending Alanon meetings. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is something that I'm always working on with my Alanon fellowship.
I am a Mom, and tonight my daughter has confided in me about a recent break-up with her boyfriend of many years. Of course, I want the best for my daughter and for her to be happy. I don't know what life choices will bring her the happy life that I wish for her. I worry as many Moms do and, if there would be anything I could do, I would act on it to bring her happiness. My daughter tells me that she needs to figure things out without me and there is nothing I can do to stop her pain and suffering. Tonight, she thanked me for listening. I am so happy that I could listen when she was ready. Sometimes I need instructions on what works- "Mom, I just need you to listen."
Thank you Bud, I know my mum just want whats best for me and what you have explained about your daughter was how I dealt with things, I wanted my mum to listen and not get involved for the moment. I really dont know what the future holds, I am trying my best to live in the day (the moment especially). This is the 2nd time my bf has done this, he is living through his sickness and is in denial about this. I know I am powerless over this overwhelming illness but I will continue focussing on myself and try and get better.
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jules
god grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.....keep coming back....:-)
You're in a tough spot with your boyfriend and your mom, and it seems like you're doing the right thing by working through Alanon and by reaching out here. I have found Alanon and this board to be extremely helpful. It's still painful and hard and takes some time, but there is a lot of hope for things to get better and for you to find more peace and happiness in your life.
This too shall pass! For sure! And it will happen over time. The advice here is often to slow down, keep it simple, and take things one day at a time.
It sounds as if you set a boundary you weren't ready to follow up on? It's good to know not to go for boundaries unless you're really clear and ready to follow through (those are the boundaries that are for us, not to try to control them). Another question to think about would be what your bottom line is. In my case I kept thinking of bottom lines, but when they happened, I'd let them go. "If he passes out, that's my bottom line -- I have to tell him it's over." Then he'd pass out and I'd get panicky. "Well, okay, I can handle that. But if he steals anything, I have to tell him it's over." Then he'd steal something. "Well, I'm not happy but it's too scary to leave. But if he wrecks the car, that's it, it's over." Then he'd wreck the car. "Well, it's too scary to leave. But..."
What happened is that he concluded that my "bottom lines" were empty threats, and I finally had to face the fact that I was too terrified to take care of myself.
Eventually my life was so full of chaos, and I hardly understood how I'd gotten to that point.
I wish I had figured out my real bottom line -- where life started to get chaotic -- and made a plan about what to do then. It sounds as if you are on the road to figuring this out. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Hi and welcome here! I am learning here and through my sponsor that I need to keep my focus on me and healing my life. I can't control whether my A does anything or not. I am sure you know from the beginning of each meeting that it is too much for most of us to live with an A WITHOUT the help and support of a spiritual program like alanon. My sponsor has been amazing at helping me to get out of my own head and live life on life's terms. I hope you keep coming and keep sharing here, as well as at your meetings. I know for me, I used to tell everyone everything about what was going on in my life. I have learned in alanon I don't have to do that. I can talk to my sponsor, I can come on here and I can share at meetings on my progress. As for let go and let god, there is a Beattles song that helped me get it. The song Let it Be. I now sing that when I am in a bad way and it helps me use the slogan let go and let god. "And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be." I have learned here and in my meetings that I cannot do anything about anyone or anything but me. So there is a light that shines on me, a spark of hope inside of me, and I have to let everything and everyone else be. I can't change my A, or the weather, or the outcome of the world. I can change me, my reactions and attitudes. My reactions can now be thought out responses. I am working on these things. Keep coming! HUGS!~ Glad you are here!!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you everyone for your comments. I am trying to keep the focus on myself for the moment but at timmes I slip and its back to the first step. He was supposed to go and get help today but refused saying he doesn't feel ready to explain how he is feeling and needs time to prepare, I think he is procrastinating and yes I did react and once again we are in seperate rooms not talking! Although I don't feel anxious today, I have been asking HP to help me with this. I am so grateful I have a programme and all the wonderful ppl in it, I don't know where I would be without Alanon....thanks again Julie
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jules
god grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.....keep coming back....:-)
Sounds like you are working the program the best you can, that's good because it really gets easier and it makes a huge difference in living with an A.
It's becoming easier to use different slogans to remind myself how I choose to react to a specific situation and what I will do. I use a big THINK and it at least gives me pause to gauge what it is I'm doing. What's my motive? Is it possible for me to step back and how important is it?
Anyway, hugs keep coming back you are so very worth it. P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
