There is nothing to stop you throwing in the towel.  I imagine a great many of us who have separated from our alcoholics wish we had done so earlier in the process.  I particularly wish I had not married mine.  And once children come, the stakes get higher and the tragedies worse if the drinker is still drinking.

What I wish someone had told me is that only 5-30% of alcoholics who enter a program of recovery stay sober longterm.  (The numbers are lower for those who don't start.)  And I wish someone had asked me the question, "What would you decide if you knew he weren't going to change?"  Because I staked everything on his changing. 

The reason we need recovery whether or not we are still with them is that alcoholism sucks everyone in the vicinity into insanity.  It is often as hard for us to give them up as it is for them to give up alcohol.  We are addicted to them and to the chaos.  Breaking up, getting back together, fights, promises, ultimatums, despair, more promises, periods of sobriety, delight, lapses, lies, chaos, more ultimatums, one or both people walking out in anger, reconcilations, more ultimatums, periods of sobriety, relapses, lying, suspicion, snooping, denials, revelations, fights, people stomping out...

It took a lot of recovery on my part before I could start putting a halt to my half of the equation.  And when I changed, everything changed.

I hope you can take good care of yourself, learn all you can about alcoholism, and keep coming back.  Hugs.

I can relate to what you are struggling with.  My perspective is changing since I started the program in January.  We had a marital therapist once who suggested that I go to Alanon and I was so ticked off at him!  I actually lied and said I was going just to get him off my back.  I thought "this is so much work!  Why do I have to keep cleaning up the messes?  Why do I have to be the responsible one, yet again???"  I don't remember the therapist suggesting that my AH go to AA which was and is bizarre to me.  I stopped going to therapy soon after, hit my low-point at Christmas and have been going to regular meetings since.

Somewhere in there I got that I have so many bad habits that make me miserable.  I don't know how many I had 14 years ago before I got married but not all of them can be attributed to this relationhship.  I kept fantasizing about leaving (we have 2 kids too which has complicated things greatly for me.)  But, I'm successful in my business, I had friends who told me weekly that I should leave the marriage and I couldn't bring myself to do it.  My opinion is that we get conditioned to it but that's not the only explaination.  I think that the way our brains work, we just can't put the Rubics Cube down.  At least I couldn't--I want to try to talk for myself here.  The longer I tried to make it make sense to him and the more I failed, the more entangled we get.  I have come so close to losing myself and it feels like psychological torture when I look back on it.

Anyway, Alanon has made me look at and develop aspects of myself that have been dormant perhaps since adolescence. My husband hasn't caused the bulk of my pain--my reaction to it has!  This has been a huge insight but it sounded odd to be at first.  I've been doing this reactivity thing to myself my whole life in various ways. 

Thankfully, I am learning to keep the focus on me and I know I will make sane decisions for my future.  I threatened him etc with leaving for years, locked him out, threw away the booze, screamed and beat my chest but I was incapable of doing anything to get out of it because my mind was jsut a mess.  Now I'm feeling calmer and clearer headed than I've felt in ages!  Practicing the principles of the program has brought and order to my brain and my spirit.

If you go to Alanon, go for you!  It's an amazing gift to give yourself and you won't be sorry if you keep coming back.  Believe me, I was one big skeptic!  :)  I thought it was all nonsense! 

Hugs to you on your journey.

I just wanted to thank you all for the sharing. I did attend my first f2f meeting last night. The Afiance came back, and I left the house for the meeting. I was sick to my stomach, had not eaten since noon, was lightheaded and had the worst headache ever, but I went. I was terrified, I HATE talking to new people, especially about myself. But I went in and listened to everything. At the end of it I just broke down and cried. To complete strangers. And it felt ok to do that. I told them about mailing the wedding invitations and coming to my first ever meeting all in the same day. These people were right there for me, holding my hand. They gave me their phone numbers and told me to come back next week. They said this program is for YOU, to help you be a better person and learn how to handle things. Not for the alcoholic in your life. That made sense to me.

Yet, I still felt resentment towards my AF that he is making me have to do this. Like if it werent for him I wouldnt be there. The f2f group told me that is BS, that we choose the same type of people over and over again and we always will unless we learn the steps and learn how to make good choices and handle ourselves and our emotions. They said the steps to al-anon are for everyone, that they apply to everyones lives, not just someone with an alcoholic in their lives. I see that is all true. I just need to get over myself and let my HP take over.

I do love this guy, he's a wonderful person, funny, smart, talented. He has a wonderful family and he would make a great husband and father. Sober. I have 3 months until the wedding to decide what to do.  I am praying for guidance and understanding.

Hi NovSun,

I want to thank you for your postings.  Your experience is familiar to me, and somehow helped me to see some of my past experiences in a different light.  I have had the same fears, anger, situations, and debates with myself.   I married my AH after 5 months of dating (we had been friends for 5 years prior), at a time when he got into and promised to work a program - and quit about a month later.  He stayed away from alcohol for the better part of that next year, and began again after my daughter was born over a year ago.  He just finished an inpatient and outpatient program.  I have found that recovery with the A is challenging as well.  The manipulation, anger, abusive and resentful treatment does not just cease.  It sometimes gets worse before better. 

I know the feeling of "why do I have to do all of the work?" etc.  I actually had done a great deal of work with my issues, a lot of alanon type of work - was feeling healthier than ever for some years, and then ended up with my AH.  While I still brought issues to the table, these last 3 years with him have compounded them.  The atmosphere did nothing to help me continue healing.  However, I think the advice you received in your f2f meeting was great!  It is true, we are challenged to take a look at and work through our emotional and relational patterns.  We must focus on ourselves as much as possible.  Someone in alanon once told me "sure, you can leave him, but you'll probably just find another alcoholic."  This bothered me because I believe there is some truth to it, but only so far - the point is that we are free to grow, learn, and make different choices.  Everyone is.  You are not sentenced to A's for the rest of your life.  More importantly, you are not sentenced to your anger, fears, pain, and resentments forever.  It's up to you, and your higher power. 

I can only imagine the difficulty in looking at the next 3 months.  Try not to project if you can - SO MUCH can change in a day.  Keep going to meetings and reading.  When your heart and mind are working in tandem for your best interest, then you can "make a decision."  You will be ok.  Do what is right for you, or you'll never be able to do what's right for anyone else. 

Many blessings,

KLotus