The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm taking a break right now, and listening to some Zen music, reflecting on the last week. I am grateful that my recovering AH and I have at least been able to talk and enjoy each other's company.
I see him struggle with being laid off still. It's extremely difficult as well for me, as I've described before, because so many responsibilities fall on me. He says he's feeling good recovery wise, and I just go along with this. Not my business, right? I just don't engage other than to answer questions directly - there are times when he literally wants me to tell him what to do with his day (when stuck in his head or anxious), and reacts to anything I suggest. So, I've stopped.
I'm still trying to work on staying detached. He tends to say he's ok, when he isn't, and then tells me that I _____ (you name it, any behavior he engages in, or anything directed at me he turns around on me as though I am doing it). How do I not feel crazy when I'm being manipulated? Then I think I actually start acting crazily. It doesn't matter what he says to me or how he says it, somehow it becomes my fault.
I know I need to stop the madness for myself. It feels like he went into recovery and decided after 6 weeks that he was in a position to judge and accuse - no more making amends apparently. Any thoughts on this? I find myself trying to behave perfectly so that he can't accuse me of anything - e.g. don't get upset... not good. I just need some re-direction.
Thank you!
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
KLotus - I can so relate to what you are saying. My AH tries to tell me everything that is wrong with me, and then I start believing it. I then really appear crazy and give him good reason to insult me by my actions. I am so proud of you that you can say that his recovery is not your business. Someday I hope I can do the same. My husband is actually using some of the detachment techniques on me, which makes me realize maybe he is doing some work on his own, although he is not going to any meetings. I am having to make my own decisions, not rely on him to make them all and then be accountable for them. It would be great if both our recoveries could coincide to lead us to a really great place wherein we can get along and respect each other. Also, as far as his judging, remember, if he can blame you, and make it all about you, then he doesn't have to work on himself. Blame is always easier. Just know he can have his opinion but you don't have to accept it. As I told my husband, I know I am a good person, I just have to stop using you as my mirror. That is what helps me stay sane.
What my sponsor suggested recently when I went to her because my A-fiance was asking me about what to do about something, was to say "I know you will make the right decision" and that if I left it at that and let him do that, I would feel better. So for what you said here where your AH asks you what to do with his day, you may say "I know you will be able to decide on something soon" and walk away from it.
Get busy with your own recovery and new tools. Do you have a sponsor or a friend from alanon to call? When I talk to someone about things in real time on the phone, I get out of my own head.
Keep coming! HUGS! Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I have found with my AH that when the fingers start pointing (if someone is pointing a finger there are three others pointing back at them) there is deflecting going on and it has nothing to do with me. I remember so vividly standing in the kitchen and this was a huge aha moment for me and he was telling me how crazy I was about something. I actually hadn't said anything at that point .. lol .. I stopped him told him he was entitled to his opinion, however I know my own truth and I will continue to believe what I see not what he tells me. While I may have engaged in crazy behavior in the past, I know I am not crazy.
I find as well the calmer I am even if I'm angry, I have better control over my thought process as well I keep myself on my even keel. It also stops my A because he now recognizes what used to push my buttons no longer works and my reactions are outside the norm of what I used to do. So just that gives him pause long enough to realize we're on a whole other playing field now. I take my power back by choosing not to react.
As much as you are processing your own healing he is as well and he is newly sober of course he's going to try and twist things to work for him. I'm not excusing his behavior, it is a lot for anyone to take in. It's minimizing, blaming, rationalizing I don't know put something in there, as long as he's pointing he doesn't have to look at himself. Guilt and shame are two extraordinary emotions both healthy to a point, I read recently that authentic guilt motivates us to change our behavior. The extra unhealthy guilt we do to ourselves where we just hang on to it and don't move is the damaging stuff.
I love what YFM says about the decision making issue what a great thing to say!! :) I'm going to have to file that one in the memory banks.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yep , go to the page on July 14th in our ODAT ,it has all the info you need , drinking or not this stuff works .. early sobriety is crazy makin time been there .
I can only agree with Abbyal's suggested reading here. She suggested that page to me a while ago and when I finally read it, I got it! :) ITs a great page! Along with July 5, July 25, and April 4... HUGS
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am happy to hear these comments that is does get crazier in early sobriety, as I think things are actually worse now that my AH is working on getting sober and himself. I don't know if it's his drinking that causes the irrational behavior or his being off of it, because I suspect he is drinking when he leaves the house, but can't be sure. But I am seeing a whirlwind of irrational thoughts and behavior, and excessive lashing out. it truy has be thinking I can't do this. I don't have the skills yet to deal with an escalated level of turmoil and it's exhausting me.
